If I could make the world as beautiful as you,
I'd write the whole world over,
Make the skies a bluer blue.
There would be no more hatred,
No visions would be blurred.
No one would die from sickness,
For we would all be cured.
No one would be made fun of,
We'd learn to get along.
And anyone who wanted
Could march to a different song.
We'd learn to feel each other's pain,
Even if it stung.
We'd never have another fight,
No wars or crime or guns.
The world would be so beautiful,
We'd all be happy too.
If only I could make the world
As beautiful as you.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,751 Reviews
I like it here is why, if I made a world I would make it the same as yours. I think you should make the words after the commas in lower case."No one would get made fun of" Change the get to be. Nice good.
it's very beautiful and cute(:
you have a nice theme going.
perharps a better rhyme? it would have a better flow(although the flow here is good).
nice one.
I loved this, not just because its a cute peice of fluff (which it is ehee) but also because you got a good theme going. I have no problem with simplicity, obviously, in fact I would go as far as to say you would lose somthing in the poem if you were to attempt it again making it more complicated. The lack of stanzas doesnt worry me either, it is an acceptable style, with a sense of free form writing.
I think its a lovely poem, well written (exception of some wording, mainly what Swottielottie pointed out.) and with just enough description and imagery to let the individual decide just what would be done.
Well done.
*heart* Le Penguin.
Well, it may be sweet, but I simply found the underlying idea and descriptions too unoriginal. Many of the rhymes were forced or simply fit poorly. Cured and blurred don't work together and attempting to rhyme a plural word with one that's not plural, as you did with guns and stung, never works too well. I could tell you had down a sort of rhythmic flow you were trying to imply, which is always a start, but my suggestion is that you take a look at some reasonable poems and grasp some deeper ideas and concepts you wish to work into your poetry. Maybe experiment with different rhyming schemes (you might wish to divide your future poetry into multiple stanzas) and take a look at what you can do.
That was the only fault I could find. It was sweet, nice and flowed well.
~Charlotte~
This was cute, and I liked it, but it was so simple. The whole poem is telling, and showing is so much better. Your rhyme scheme was really simple, and in places (We'd learn to feel each other's pain,/Even if it stung./We'd never have another fight,/No wars or crime or guns./The world would be so beautiful,/We'd all be happy too.) the rhymes were broken, so it made the flow stop.
It was just too simple for me, but the message behind it was cute. I suggest you read poetry, which always helps. Learn more, so you can grow as a poet. ^_~
Best of luck.
Awww, that's really sweet. You have a really nice, simple poem here and I love the message behind it. If you want to improve it, perhaps try to use some more unique imagery. Also, the structure could be better but your rhyme is really effective and overall, I liked it a lot.