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when henry was found

by i2aku

impatient hands of summer gone,

turned a wintry grip, icy and bleak;

greens and pinks and wonders galore,

now a wasteland of bone-chilling snow;

oh! thy hands clutch my soul,

deadened nails burning my tired flesh—

is this what nature intended?

shall i lay here, frosty and dying, the caress of thanatos whispering against my cheek?

is my life as meaningless as the icicles on barren branches?

shall i do nothing, and allow nature’s cruel hands to seal my fate?

shaky breaths create a fog around my corpse—

“there! oh, there, by the sycamore tree!”

footsteps, muffled by snow—

“a child! hurry henry, i see no breath.”

calloused hands, pressure on my chest—

“henry! you must be careful.”

it hurts, i cannot breathe—

“henry, do you hear me?”

no, but i can see you—

“henry, breathe please.”

i gave up on that long ago—

“henry, i miss you.”

you only miss my shape—

Is this a review?



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208 Reviews

Points: 4855
Reviews: 208

Sat Jan 29, 2022 3:38 pm
weathervane wrote a review...

hi there, i'll help this out of the green room for you.

to start this review, let's talk about language. the personification of winter is really interesting paired with henry, because winter is obviously the antagonist here. i assume that the character of henry, who i assume is based off of you, is dead. it also seems that it was unexpected, or at least tragic. the dialogue at the end is from people who're mourning them, but the people who are mourning them are only missing them now that they're gone.

with what i've mentioned about language creating this atmosphere, there's also some areas that are dragging it down. most of the actual descriptions are quite medieval in how they are worded, like in "a child! hurry henry, i see no breath" because it ages the poem. i'm a big fan of using "weird" words or odd ways to describe something, especially if it benefits what i'm trying to say with theme, but sometimes it doesn't work well.

maybe say the lines aloud? i think that may help smooth out some wrinkles that i've found with lines that have been extra wordy. it's not for everyone, but usually if something doesn't sound right, you'll probably notice it if you end up saying it.

besides that, let's look at techniques and/or aspects of style here. i see a lot of unique punctuation choices, such as exclamation marks and em dashes. personally, i could go without those, but i see what they portray. the exclamation marks are there for the emotion, to showcase that it is of emphasis to henry/you. the em dashes are there because they show continuality in the lines and that everything is connected.

poetry is based on personal preference, so it doesn't really matter, but i think that ditching the em dashes would help you out big time. i won't pick on their misuse that much because poetry isn't grammar based, but i think that they are incredibly overused. end-stopping would make everything smooth, but it would also benefit the harsh tone of winter and death and possible betrayal by whoever is speaking in the poem.

that'll wrap up my review. i think this is really interesting, and i'd love to see more from you. the whole henry being personified as the author is actually really poetic, and then there's winter somewhat humanized and such. it's really nice to read.

happy writing!
- tweezers

User avatar
647 Reviews

Points: 69
Reviews: 647

Thu Jan 27, 2022 2:17 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...

This was a sad and emotional poem.The person who is dead,who is this person? The child’s father? If so,this makes the poem much more sadder.Who is Henry? Does the name have any significance? Has the narrator really given up on life? Are they freezing to death? Letting everything go? This was a thoughtful poem to read.I hope you have a good and wonderful day and night.

'This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer. 'I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy