Young Writers Society

Legacy here for a review.

You have "a souls scar" and it should be a soul's scar. (sorry just a nitpick I know).

You also use Oxford's comma sometimes and then not other times when there still needs to be one (in my opinion, although they are becoming less common in some cases).

"Everyone has hopes, dreams and fears." Oxford comma after dreams.

"Everyone holds the secret - Mother, Father, Sister & Brother." Oxford comma after sister.

The last line of the second to last stanza looks a little long compared to the rest of your lines. An easy fix is to just move it to the next line so that you don't have to reword it.

Your ending was a let down honestly. It doesn't really close anything up. It all just hangs as if it is unfinished.

Also, just in general, your poem was preachy and you didn't really use any figurative language to make us believe what you are saying. As of right now, the whole poem is generic, but it is an easy-ish fix by adding in figurative language such as similes, metaphors, imagery, etc.

Overall, your poem is decent, but it can be made a lot better if you take it back to the publishing center. Legacy.

Hello.

In a word, this is preachy.

Writing about messages gets tricky, because the temptation is to write all about the message and really hammer the point home. The problem with doing this is you end up saying the same things as everyone else, because there are only so many ways to say this broad, overreaching message.

There's also the lack of flow in this piece. Each idea is on a single line, each one ending with a period. This makes everything stop at the end of every line, when a line is already a stop. You can take a look at these two[/i] articles on punctuation in poetry to get a better sense of how you can use it a little more purposely, and [url=https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=152&t=101476#p1319147]these articles for more on how to use poetic devices.

I'm wondering why the piece is under spiritual, when there really doesn't seem to be much spiritual about it. If this pice was trying to address religions, make that more overt in the poem so the genre is a bit more obvious— and that might also allow this piece to be less general.

I would still really try to drill down on the exact situation and exact issue that you're looking for, here. Discussing "the world is terrible" isn't exactly productive, and this would be much more persuasive if you were speaking to a smaller audience, with more direct examples. This article is for debating, but the general principles of persuasion are the same regardless of the method.

Overall, this needs a lot more focus and a lot more poetic qualities. It could be really powerful, but right now I've heard it all before and am looking for something different.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Flow: Pretty much fine. A couple of places like in the second stanza's last three lines the line length is a bit off. I think this can be fixed in the first of these three by having "one way or other" (I know that doesn't quite make sense but imo if it sounds better and gets the meaning across, it's worth it in a poem). The second you could change "cherishes" to something one syllable. The last might work if you separated it into two short lines, which would give "Mother, Father, Sister and Brother" more impact (also I think you should use "and" rather than "&").

The way the "Some" stanzas get longer and longer builds up a good climax, which is enjoyable.

The last line is a bit jarring cos I just don't really know what you mean. I mean I can roughly figure it out, but it just doesn't sit right. I'm guessing I'm being asked to choose whether I'll be someone who helps or one of the others who won't, but that's not totally clear.

Message: This is a lovey, simple message. I don't think it's too simple - the fun of the stanza forms is enough to make it sound happy and hopeful, which adds an extra dimension to make it interesting. You maybe want to bring the example of Turkey and Kurds nearer the end to give it more impact though. I would then have spent a while feeling optimistic, but then been grounded with the gravity of that particular situation. You could add in others as well to get across a feeling of how important and relevant your message is. That would be what I was left with, and that would leave me thinking about it longer.

Don't think there's much else to say so hope this helps,
Biscuits

Not a review but wow, this is so great! I love the rhyme scheme and beat, as well as the message throughout the poem!