~Hexamon~
Hexamon wore a wood fairy garb; a brown with green striped tunic. Sleeveless and sleek with a scabbard well fixed behind it. It was a well made armor. The design itself was impeccable. The material, fashioned from the strands of the Onc was very strong and durable. Beautifully woven into tiny braids to reveal the strokes of ingenious craftsmanship. This were what enforcers wore, this were the clothes of Legends and Hexamon was the proudest man in all of the nine regions for he had donned the robe of warriors.
His sword was ixmrit. Made by the high smiths of Ezeal. It was Blacker than ebony, lighter than Alumina and stronger than steel. Its texture was sleek and lustrous and though it was black it glinted where it was in the thorax of the beast he had slain. It was a blade worth dying for. All knew that blades crafted by the high smiths were nothing short of magical. And of all fairies and men, Hexamon was the one who had received this stunning piece of art. He called it The Cleaver.
“Even with this armor, I still manage to get wounded.” he snorted angrily, his face full of sweat as his body began to warm. Slowly, he begun to unwrap his hand around the wound on his side. The torn flesh was alive. Red with fire. Wriggling towards each other. It was magic. The Blood that poured moments ago seemed to have awakened a mind of their own as they snaked back from whence they came. Hexamon’s body was healing as he kept his focus and concentration. Even the ugly wound on his chest appeared to be cauterizing.
The trench had darkened even more now, and there was no trace of light in the sky. The small cavern suddenly felt heavy and dense as if eyes had sprouted from everywhere. The healing had ended and a vibe of relief traversed his body. Hexamon knew something dangerous was there. He ruffled on the almost black, rocky, root infested ground and grabbed The Cleaver. It vibrated with a wave of excitement like how a pet responds to its master’s touch.
Hexamon helped himself up with the sword as he edged away from the mandigus as if it would suddenly spring to life. His back hit the dark green boundary of the trench. It was interwoven with strange vines but brought his wobbly movement to a halt.
“Now it’s time to get out of here” he sighed with his eyes looming the sky which was now shimmering with silver light struggling to permeate the thick undergrowth. Hexamon’s face was troubled and weary with fear. He felt lonely and insecure. He turned right. It was pitch black and oozed with danger. Left. Same.
“Hey! Come on, we can do this”, he said assuredly to himself. Breathing quickly, he calmed himself then rummaged where he stood for a way out. With his eyes fixed at the top, he was poised to climb out. It was the best idea, he thought. His senses told him clearly, the other paths were long dark winding corridors which could be packed with all sort of unnatural things.
Quickly, Hexamon plunged his sword back into the scabbard and without extra caution he began to climb. It was easy, the vines that crept all over the side had made it so. Almost automatic his fear rescinded and he begun to increase pace. The trench was far deeper than he thought, about eighty feet; he soon realised. However the thought of finally leaving the eerie dark chamber warmed him with great pleasure. So he continued.
Then suddenly it came. He hadn't even reached half the height, when it emerged.
Its speed was lightening and its numerous legs stung. It scrambled all over Hexamon, but its roughness was numbed by his armor. Instinctively, Hexamon drew The Cleaver and struggled to stay at the height he had accomplished, swinging aimlessly and uselessly at the dark creature that clawed all around him.
At first it was one, then suddenly it became two, then four. Hexamon quickly surmised it was a swarm of them, but he was too late. A sharp pain marked his calf. His eyes blurred immediately.
Blast! He cried as he tripped and came crushing down the dark tunnel. The impact was great and his arms were bleeding sore. He was injured from scratches he had sustained on his way down. But there was no time to savor pain.
He sprung unto his feet and leapt for his sword which had conveniently landed with its tip, then with a quick rotation, he sliced at the creatures which had suddenly populated the cave. They gave off a shrill noise. That was when he saw what they actually were.
“Spiders!” he hissed curiously, then he sneered, slashing again at another pack which had thrown themselves at him. The creatures looked like spiders but had more limbs, not less than ten. They were as big as well fed pigs. Appeared like spiders on the limbs of centipedes. Black with red stripes. And their movements accompanied a discomforting screech.
There was no time for any sort of reflection or thought, as they poured from everywhere. From holes all over the sides of the tunnel. Their appearance struck malice and their movements were fast and unpredictable. As their number increased, Hexamon brandished the black blade while his feet retreated naturally. Then he broke into a frantic dash. The spiders followed with malicious fervency.
Hexamon broke through the wall of darkness and fear that shrouded the long corridor of blackness with the fearlessness that only boiling blood could muster. The tunnel was serpentine and it was overgrown with wild flowers and snaky vines that shot indiscriminately at Hexamon and the spiders. But he kept at it, striking against any obstacle.
He wondered why he hadn’t trapped himself already in a mass of sticky web. As he kept contemplating, in an instant, he was thrown of balance as one spider shot itself at his back. His body tipped forward and his legs intertwined. He came crushing down. It was tough, all black and slightly bigger than the others.
Still clutching the sword, he turned to thrust it into the spider who instinctively was also descending on the man with jaws wide opened to stun. Hexamon’s blade found its mark first. It went through the spider’s mandible like knife through veggies. It squirted and twisted in discomfort. Then a number of them landed on the corpse that had trapped Hexamon. He suddenly felt blurry again. Then in anguish, the dead creature and all the lively ones suddenly flew off of him as if an invisible hand had washed them off. His eyes flared with fire and The Cleaver glowed red from the middle.
The spiders had increased and were about to envelope him. The walls of the tunnel were painted with them. There was no space or ground. All was covered in black and red. Then Hexamon roared.
“Away with you!” his eyes, fiery with phos as he descended with the force of his sword into the ground. Immediately an unseen wave of force flushed the approaching mass backward. Just the distraction he needed to escape the tunnel for good, he thought as he kept looking behind him. But he couldn't run. His legs had suddenly become numb. His eyes started to dull and his body became heavy with an excruciating pain. His veins stood out on his forehead and his skin darkened. The poison was working.
The startled and stunned colony of spiders quickly regained their momentum and swept forward rapidly, unharmed; their tough shells had withstood the exploding force of the Lone man's sword. Hexamon groaned painfully and gnashed at the climbing pod of toxin that was visibly spreading throughout his body painfully on a dark path of veins.
His eyelids suddenly shut up and he fell limp with The Cleaver still in his hands. Hexamon could hear the ferocious pounding of his heart as reality slipped from him quickly. And the last he saw was the river of spiders that poured on him from every direction and a faint light in the corner of his eye. Probably the moon or his imagination.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
'This is what enforcers wore, the cloth of Legends, and Hexamon' Maybe?
You need a comma after here.
His vision went blurry again.
Even though the Review Day has ended, I'm about to read the third one.
Hey! Sorry it took me so long to get to this. ^^;
First off, anything that starts off with faeries excites me. However, your descriptions are, well, boring. "He did this, he wore that" is extremely off-putting. Having them all in one paragraph makes it worse. Honestly, descriptions should be hidden in the text. Readers are more interested in what's happening than what he's wearing. Especially after an intense scene like the last chapter!
You also have a lot of useless sentences, like "it was magic". That's kind of a no-brainer, honestly. Blood returning to the veins can only be magic. A good rule of thumb is to avoid outright telling things. There's also a lot of useless/confusing words. How do you hiss curiously?
Another few things to avoid: "suddenly". It takes the suddenness out of EVERYTHING, and kinda mucks up the flow. "As if" and "like" when comparing things should be kept to a minimum. They aren't very interesting, and can kill even the greatest metaphors.
I'm sorry if this comes off a bit sharp or mean, I've had a migraine for four days, but I wanted to put my two cents in like you asked. Other than that, listen to Noelle. :3
thanks for the feedback Velvet0Alchemy. i'll keep that in mind.
Anyway, i've posted the next chapter. you can check that out too and tell me what you think.
Hi there!
The transition between chapters here isn't a very smooth one. At the end of the first chapter you left us with a cliffhanger, wondering what amazing thing is about to happen. Once we start reading this chapter however, we get a description of his clothes and weapons. Not exactly what I was expecting after such an intense ending. It isn't until halfway through the third paragraph that we see the answer to the cliffhanger.
Here's the thing with cliffhangers. They're great for building tension and making the readers want to go on. There's also a trick to them. Metaphorically speaking, you can't leave someone hanging over that cliff for too long; they'll eventually lose their grip and fall off. You have to be able to pull them up quickly so you don't lose them. A cliffhanger, from my experience, is addressed within the first paragraph of the next chapter. That's what the readers are looking for: an answer to their burning question. Now, there are cliffhangers that go unanswered for a while, but those are the cliffhangers that are essential to the plot in the long run rather than short term. The cliffhanger from the first chapter is most definitely a short term one. We want the explanation sooner than later.
Let me talk about descriptions while I'm at it. It's nice that you gave us those descriptions in the beginning, explaining what Hexamon is wearing and what kind of weapons he has. It makes him feel more real. Now I can see him rather clearly in my mind. However, this isn't the greatest time to be getting into descriptions. Cliffhanger aside, this is chapter 2 and we're just now learning what this man looks like. I've always been one to struggle with descriptions and where to place them, so I might not be the best person to be giving advice here, but hear me out. Descriptions, especially of characters, are best sprinkled out over time. You could add a comment about his eyes at the beginning of the first chapter, then add a comment about his armor and weapons a few paragraphs later, then mention his hair a few paragraphs later. It doesn't have to be stuffed into one huge paragraph. Yes once you start going you want to describe everything, but it doesn't have to be like that. See if you can find places in the first chapter to sprinkle out those descriptions. I think that would be a lot more effective.
This is something I learned from my creative writing professor. Names for inanimate objects, like how Hexamon calls his sword Cleaver, don't need formal explanations, like the part I underlined. That's what the character calls it, so it would make sense to use it as any normal day name. I can't think of a better way to explain it than writing out an example. This could look a little something like this: "The Cleaver was a blade worth dying for, and Hexamon was the one who had received this stunning piece of art". Do you see how the name is mentioned without a previous explanation, but then is followed by an explanation? It's a more realistic way of explaining things.
I want to focus on your pronouns for a moment. As I'm reading through, I notice that I see Hexamon's name a lot, so much so that I barely register the pronouns. Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but you get my point. He's the only character in this story so far. Why would you need to keep mentioning his name? We're not going to get confused and think you're talking about a different male character. Obviously you're going to have to mention Hexamon's (I keep trying to write Hexagon instead >.>) name, but it doesn't have to be often. Even if you go, say, eight paragraphs without mentioning his name, it's fine. We'll still know that the 'he' you're referring to is Hexamon.
So, I have a question about the healing. Is this the first time that he's been healed like this? I'm a bit confused on that front. From the cliffhanger at the end of chapter 1, I was under the impression that something out of the ordinary was happening. However, when the healing actually happens, Hexamon doesn't seem fazed by it at all. It's almost as if he was expecting it. There's nothing that shows me a definite answer either way. I wish we would've seen more of a reaction from him as this healing is happening. If there is a reaction, then I know this is the first time he's been healed. If there's no reaction, then I know that this isn't the first time he's been healed. I just think there should be a bit more clarity here.
I'm not sure if the 'blast' here is a thought or an action word. There's either been a blast or he's thinking "Blast!" If it's a thought, it should be in italics. That way it will be separate from the narration. If it's not a thought, you can keep it the same.
Le duh Noelle ><This sentence is a bit jumbled. First off, Hexamon just had The Cleaver in his hand, but now it's somewhere where he has to reach for it? Secondly, the first half of the sentence is incomplete. The part that really throws me off is where it says "...which had conveniently landed with its tip," Landed where, exactly? And what about its tip? I'm assuming you mean that it landed in the mud with the tip poking into the ground, but there's no explanation to prove that to me.
Whoa, whoa. Poison? What poison? Where did this come from?
I want to talk about the magic before I finish up here. There's obviously magic, what with the healing and whatever made The Cleaver glow bright red. I always enjoy stories with magic in them, but you haven't really taken the time to explain any of it yet. There are so many questions running through my head about the magic. Is Hexamon doing it? Is this a force of its own? Does he have magic? Does the sword have magic and use it on its own? I would've liked to see a bit of explanation for that. It could even be something little. For example, if Hexamon is the one using the magic, then you could describe how it feels for him to use it. If the magic has a mind of its own, maybe you could have him hoping that it'll step in and feeling a bit let down if it doesn't come right away. I'm not sure which way the magic works so I'm just giving you things to think about for either way.
Okay, I absolutely loved this chapter. The action in it is just wonderful. You've done a good job explaining everything and really getting us to understand what's happening and how Hexamon is reacting to it all. There's a good blend of events and action and thoughts. I could really see it all as I was reading. Action can be hard to write because you know that there has to be that balance. You've done a great job with it and I hope all of your fight scenes are just like this.
The spiders are an interesting touch. I'm glad that we got to see one of the creatures that Hexamon mentioned in the first chapter. Obviously those creatures were different, but these spiders are still creatures of the jungle and they give us a good idea of what kind of creatures he's dealing with. Those things are creepy, but I'm looking forward to seeing more creatures from this jungle. That is, if Hexamon survives
Let me know when you post the next chapter! I'll gladly read it.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks dear for the review. it's really an eye opener.
I'd like to answer a few questions you asked.
Now from the Hexamon~1, He is described as Antien(a lousy one for that matter) and from that Chapter, Antiens were men with magic, so Hexamon had magic. However, he wasn't very good with it. It was stated in the first chapter.
Hexamon had done healing before, but it wasn't on that scale. he was lousy and never truly grasped the method( this is something i was going to explain in further chapters.) so for him to have healed his wounds as that level was something incredible. but i must say i didn't plan it well. thanks for the headsup
Also, the blast! he used was like a curse, out of frustration.
the thing is, i wrote the chapter in such a way that, it would appear as a movie to an attentive reader, so that i didn't have to tell every single thing that was happening.
That's why i didn't talk of the sword leaving his hand, but went straight to speak of how it had landed on it's tip. Because i was thinking, the reader will flow and would automatically know that you wouldn't still be holding your sword if you were falling from such a height and struggling with spiders. However thanks for bringing that up.
Like i was saying right now. I did the same for the poison. Maybe you didn't realize, but hexamon's sight got blurry. Why?.
I intentionally didn't write that a spider had bitten him, but i expected the reader to understand.
eg this place:
you see what i mean. though i didn't say a spider bit him, from the writing i expected it to register.
Anyway, maybe that was a mistake. I'll change it next time.
And don't worry about the magic, i'm going to explain it in further episodes.
ALL the same, Loved your review. Thanks
Hi Noelle, I just posted The latest chapter on Hexamon. Please check it out for me. As usual, your priceless Review would be much appreciated
Very good!
There's not really much I can say. It is good, but there is a few spots with the grammar that you could have changed. Plus, there's one sentence that really got me,"and without extra caution." I don't see how that you can have extra cation... Maybe a better word would be exaggerated? This is just a suggestion.
The other thing that I noticed was that I've seen stuff like this, this fantasy thing a thousand times. I mean it's good and all, but maybe add some.. Original twists to it? It would be extremely good.
Well, this was not really a review, but just a suggestion. I like your work, and I will continue reading if you post more, and I hope you do!
See you in the next chapter!
Thanks. i'll keep all you've said in mind
Okay, so my first thought on this was that Hexamon's armor and sword seem too perfect. Like both of them are really well-made and the work of expert craftsmen and the sword is even described as "a blade worth dying for."
Which, yes: a serious warrior is probably going to have the best of the best equipment, but even so. His gear is so perfect, but then ALSO he has magic to heal his wound all on his own without trouble, and it's just like...to much stuff going for him, if you know what I'm saying. Which makes the danger that comes next not seem actually that dangerous, because we know he's got like three different ways to deal with it right off the bat.
On that note, the following danger was confusing. Partly it was the descriptions, making it hard to understand exactly what's going on. Like this bit:
So is the silver light just sunlight that can't get through the thick foliage, or is it something actually dangerous? Is the "pitch black" the sky getting dark or something else dangerous? And what exactly is "oozing with danger" in this scenario?
Then there's the fact that the scene moves so fast after the danger starts. Like he's in this trench and then these creatures appear and then these spiders appear, or maybe the spiders are the creatures that already appeared but I just didn't get that because the description made it sound like they were different creatures?
It's just like the danger keeps going nonstop, but I don't feel like the danger is actually as dangerous and suspenseful as you mean it to be, and I don't feel like I know Hexamon that well.
Although it is true that I haven't read the first chapter, so that's probably part of the problem. May or may not get to that for you later or tomorrow.
Blue
thanks for the review buddy.
ok first of all, i think you should read the first chapter of Hexamon. you will understand his position and the kind of person he is better.
secondly, i described the creatures as Hexamon thought he saw them.
Hi BlueAfrica, I just posted The latest chapter on Hexamon. Please check it out for me. As usual, your priceless Review would be much appreciated