Life keeps going on and on
Sunrise, Sunset
Like the way you kicked me around
Pain kept going on and on
Sunrise, Sunset
Skipping Record, Constant Loop
Although you never hit me
I still have bruises where it matters
From the Hell you put me through
You pushed and pushed
You never cared
The torrent of anguish I felt each day
But now
The places it hurt the most
My heart, my soul
I feel nothing
Numb, Cold, Dead
You can't hurt me anymore with your hurricane of lies
You can't push me down I'm already on the ground
You can't say anything you've said it all before
The past six years of agony and despair don't mean anything
You don't care about how I feel -
I don't feel it anymore
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Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hey Huggybear. ^_^ I'm running short on time, so I'm just going to make some quick points.
Is the sunrise/sunset like the way they kicked you around, or the pain going on and on? The way you inserted that here makes it unclear as to exactly what you're referring to with this analogy, and your readers need to know what you mean. Try to rephrase this.
Also. IS there any particular reason why 'keeps' is in present tense for life, but 'kept' is in past tense for the pain going on and on? Either there needs to be a meaning behind that, or it's just an inconsistency. Pick one tense and stick with it.
These are two run-on sentences. I think you need to separate them into lines and add some punctuation:
You can't push me down--
I'm already on the ground.
You can't say anything
that you haven't said before.
I'm so sorry; I'm really pressed for time right now, so I can't go in-depth and show you how this needs to be punctuated. But I do think this poem would be better off with some full stops, some semi-colons, some dashes. It gives the poem a more rounded, professional feel. And as for capitalization, you don't actually have to capitalize each line. Sometimes, it's better not to. If you look around and read some poetry, even some of the poems on the site, you'll see that a lot of times people don't capitalize every line to give the poem an extra effect.
This was a bit too stream-of-consciousness for me, honestly. You didn't have much by the way of imagery or interesting metaphors (except for the Skipping Record, Constant Loop part, which was really cool and made me think) and your word choice wasn't a wide enough variation, I don't think. Stray away from the old "I feel" and "You never cared" cliches, and aim for something more original.
For example,
While this is actually a better choice of wording than most of the rest of the poem, it's so overwhelmingly melodramatic that it doesn't even come across as painful enough. When I see it, I just think: "Oh, wow, that's rather over-the-top and cliched." Because it sounds so much like the everyday -Oh, I'm a teenager and I'm so hurt and misunderstood and WOE IS ME- that I couldn't take it seriously.
Try to inject some more imagery in there, instead of just listing adjectives, like here:
Sure, you can tell us that, but will we take your word for it? Explain it to us, instead:
Fading warmth, dead and flickering--
I'm left with a blank slate.
Now, that's still not wonderful, but see how it's expressing the same thing (empty, cold, lonely, angst) with a more interesting wording? Go for something like that.
I've got to go, but good job and good luck! This has some great potential as long as you clean up the boring word choices and add some sizzle.
~Evi
I do like this, I think it is really good. I agree with the person above though about the repetition.
Honestly, the way you described the situation is amazing. It's unbelievably passionate with sadness and I can even feel the strong sense of anger and frustration with in the words.
The only I'd say is that at the beginning you used repetitivity, but that was the only spot where you used it. Maybe even spread out that idea. "Sunrise, sunset." or "Numb, Cold, Dead" or "You never cared" are in my opinion the three strongest points where repetitivity would work best. Especially, "Numb, Cold, Dead". It adds a lot more emphasis to the overall mood of these lyrics.
The part I loved the most is "Skipping record, constant loop." There are so many ways to interpret that, but when I think of a skipping record, it skips the good parts, but the record is round and can spin forever, so it's that record that replays all the bad things in life. I'd love to know your thinking behind that line though.
I know this isn't good, but I wrote it at like 1 AM ^_^