Published December 18, 2011
The wine of love
It’s so intoxicatingly sweet
It leaves me breathless and numb
Wraps me in its warm folds
And lulls me to an endless valley
The endless valley
Where all consciousness flees the mind
Where the horizon cannot be seen
Only the murmur of my loves kisses
And the whisper of the sugar coated words
The sugar coated words
Sticky sweet syrup, circling me… cornering
Too soft, and irrational to be true
More sugar coated words
Thick gooey lies covering my heart
Covering my heart
I cannot hide my open soul
It is hers to take
I have drunk the wine of love
Been to the endless valley
Witnessed the sugar coated words
And am now left with a broken heart… with only those words ringing clear in my ears
“Beware of the wine of love”
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Hey Hudzy! Here is your review as promised! I am really pressed for time as we speak because I am going to eat dinner and then see the new Sherlock Holmes movie woot woot! Anyways I really liked this poem, I loved how it is a poem about an abstraction based off of a metaphor with wine. I find thats how we usually make sense of abstractions through relating it to something in reality. Anywho! I absolutely adore the imagery and description your put in here. Although I do have a few quick nit picks:
So the first stanza, it is great but there are a few quick things that I would change:
The wine of love,
so intoxicatingly sweet.
It leaves me breathless and numb,
wrapping me in its warm folds,
lulling me to an endless valley.
So firstly I added in some more punctuation, a lot of poets don't use grammar in their writing which is alright because it is
poetry but i really encourage everyone to use it in their poetry because it can be a little difficult to read without it. Furthermore the way you had written it before was more like a story story, which is good but not so fantastic for poetry, so I changed a few words to give it a more poetic essence.
"The sugar coated words
Sticky sweet syrup, circling me… cornering
Too soft, and irrational to be true
More sugar coated words
Thick gooey lies covering my heart"
This is without a doubt my favorite line of the entire poem because of the amazing imagery and amazing metaphor and amazing description and amazing everything. I love this line sooooo much just so good!
So all and all this is a great and I really loved it, apart from the grammar and a very minor error this is nothing short of amazing! Keep up the good work my friend
TuckEr EllsworTh
thank you but actually the whole point was for it to be perfect first, then become unbearably sweet, and then by that time its too late and snap... that's the end.
Hello there, Hudz! Rose here to review!
First off, this is a cute piece. Love is always nice to write about.
I adore certain parts of this, namely the last line. The combination of the verb 'lull' and the detail about the 'endless valley' captured the feeling of being in love very nicely, in my eyes. The line sounds fresh and not like anything I've read in a while, which is always nice.
Aside from technical problems such as punctuation and capitalization (I've put the errors I discovered in the first stanza in bold and corrected them), I only see one main problem with this, and that's the feeling of it.
When I was reading this, I felt like it was cloyingly oversweet. I found myself getting a little bit swamped in sugary sentiments. I'm not saying that the way you wrote about your feelings wasn't good; I'm simply saying that there's a little bit too much of it. I can suggest two ways to fix this.
The first way is to cut down the size of the poem. That way, the sweetness of this won't become overbearing because there will be less of it to read. The second way is to eliminate some of the descriptive words you used that were sweet and replace them with other interesting, less sweet ones. You don't have to eliminate all of them, just a few. That way, your poem will keep its sweet feeling without going overboard.
Remember, this is just my opinion. Feel free to disregard my suggestions if you don't agree with them. At the end of the day, your opinion is what truly matters.
Always keep writing!
-Rose
Your poem views love in a negative light but it also brings up many of the aspects people seem to feel/know in love. I cannot think of anything I don't like about this poem other than the sad, truth of false or material love. You have laid bare the possibility of love from the title onwards. This is a fantastic poem. That's all there is to say.