About Me
When I was a child my parents both died in a car accident.
I am now 14 years old, I was 3 years old when prior the my parents death, I was put into this orphanage in England. Everyday passed by painfully slowly, and what was left of me was but a shell of my real self. I was dying even though i was alive.
Whenever I became overly distraught I would muster up all my courage and plaster a fake smile on my face... even though it didn't look convincing. There were only a few thoughts that i dearly hung onto, One was the thought that kept me constantly moving forward, there were millions of people all over the world who sat in worst conditions. And the other was the thought that someone... just maybe someone was out there looking for me, maybe it was wishful thinking but what more would you expect of a girl who had her entire identity snatched away from her? As the days neared my birthday I began to loose all hope that i would be rescued by someone who cared, who was i kidding i was stuck here forever.
Not all hope was lost, maybe God was looking over me, like he always had been, all these years supplying me with the much needed strength to go forward. Miss. Borst was my orphanage mother, and she had informed me just that morning that she had found a long lost relative of mine called Alice. Miss. B contacted Alice and told her about me, its quiet comforting to know that she made plans to immediately come get me. Miss. B was also told by Alice that she had been searching for me herself. I am so excited! I can hardly sit still, the excitement is boiling up inside me, and for the first time in a long time im feeling something other than dread. I just finished packing my things not that I have much just a pair of jeans, two tops, undergarments that were given to me by the orphanage, and not to forget my blue pendant shaped like a palace, and a little blue compass that matched it. The pendant belonged to my mother Alicia and the compass belonged to my father Alick and they are the only things I have to remember my parents by.
My name is Aliza Atla it's an odd name but I am proud of it. Everyone in my family have similar names as you might have already noticed. I am weird in all ways to everyone who is normal. I don't walk (I cant seem to be able to) I glide my movements are swift and quick, I have tanned skin that has a faint glow, my eyes are big but beautiful and light brown with a tinge of green, my hair is just below my shoulders, wavy, and dark black, I have very long and thick eye lashes. I have 2 dimples, one dimple on the right side of my face just below my eye, and another one the left side of my face in the middle of my cheek. Oh and as many people often tell me im unnaturally tall for my age and gender.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,807 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...so this is a decent looking start here. I think it did really well especially towards the start but the ending breaks the flow somewhat and doesn't quite close this out as well as it should have.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy....I'm not entirely sure if this is perhaps meant to be the prologue for this piece perhaps were we've got ourselves our main character just kind of introducing themselves to us? Its an interesting start for sure.....we've got ourselves a couple of powerful statements that do immediately catch your eye as a readery.
Okayy...certainly some interesting thoughts being brought to light there. Its hard to say exactly where these thoughts are trying to get to, but we can see a description of what appears to have been a truly tough life there and immediately we find ourselves empathizing with this person to some extent and it makes for a very interesting start here.
Okayy...this is a fun moment. This does seem to cement the fact that this was maybe a prologue as it looks like from the past we're sort of moving towards the present there and this girl who has so far led this very tough life gets a chance to come out of it here and we get to see a glimmer of hope shining through for her. Its a nice little buildup here.
Okayy...the ending is perhaps the one that somewhat goes off on too much of a tangent. Until this point you build up a nice little backstory and then hint at a hope for the future, but then this part dives into this long description of what she looks like and such and I feel like that kind of goes against the flow established so far and creates a somewhat odd ending here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this isn't a bad piece. I think you've done a pretty good job here, but that ending especially needs a little bit of work and this can really be a very intriguing piece here. I certainly am already interesting in finding out more here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Interesting and capturing. You don't delve much into the actual plot line but the background of the character. Starting of knowing how Aliza sees things. I like it
Okay first things first, I believe that this biography? I'm guessing. Has a lot of potential. And that you are a great writer and could become better just by reading your work out loud a few times (like 2 or 3) and you will notice little mistakes that other people (like myself) will notice. Like in your first paragraph you say
You could improve this just by saying "I am now 14 years old, I was three when my parents died and I was put into this orphanage in England. I felt as though day by day I was dying inside, but outside living like nothing else matters." See what I mean? If you put more emotion into your work I believe that you could make your work more interesting. Now as for the second sentence in that paragraph, You could improve this. As easy as one, two, three. Just by saying something along the lines of "Every time I started to feel sorry for myself, I made myself believe that there is always someone out there in a much worse situation than me. Thinking this way helped put a smile on my face for 11 years. But as my 15th birthday began to get closer and closer I started to believe that no one wanted me and that nobody could be feeling worse than I was. When the day came and my fear that I was going to be forever unloved was out in the open I got the best surprise that any orphan could only dream of." See how much better that sounds? Now, your second paragraph (sorry if I am tearing apart your work) You say You should say something like "Miss, Borst, the orphanage administrator, found a long lost relative of mine, her name was Alice. Alice, after being told about me, said that she was coming to get me immediately. That had to of been the most comforting thing in the world to hear at that point in time." Next I would like to make a correction in your next sentence you say But you are talking in past tense which means it should say "I was so excited!" Now just to make it more interesting I would say something not like but "the only thing that the orphanage didn't give me belonged to my parents, a beautiful blue pendant in the shape of a palace. And a little matching blue compass."I think that is it for all the editing I have. Sorry if it is a little long and boring. I didn't mean to tear your work up or anything!