Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
1
Demon-Eye Slayer strode through the encampment outside the grand-chieftain's hall, his black cloak trailing behind him. Before him was a grand staging area, filled with tents, huts, blacksmiths and a great many barbarians. The sun was nearing the horizon as dusk approached.
The grand-chieftain is sly, but I think he bought my excuse. If not, this gamble will surely have been wasted.
He spotted a mount tied off to a sawhorse and quickly untied the knot, then climbed atop it. A barbarian approached and called out to Demon-Eye.
"Get offa my horse before I take you off it."
Demon-Eye looked disinterestedly at the barbarian.
"If I hadn't come, this horse would have trampled you to death in three days. Show some gratitude." With that he turned and galloped westward, toward the desert, leaving the barbarian to look on in bewilderment.
I'll only be able to stay out for two days at the most, then he'll get suspicious. I can faintly feel Sharptooth's essence in the direction of the desert, which means the power of his stone must be fading. I have to find him before he arrives at his shelter, and hope he's willing to help me.
The cloaked figure galloped through the encampment at full speed, heading toward the western sands.
2
Adre stood, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his cloak. Feeling sick and holding back the urge to vomit, he gazed with horror at half-eaten corpse before him.
That's it. There's no turning back. The pact is being fulfilled... but for her.
He bit his lip.
Oh my sweet little one. What have I become in your name?
He closed his eyes and sighed heavily, then turned toward the open gate and walked to his mount. He sank his great sword into the scabbard that was slung across the saddle and climbed atop his steed. He knew where the barbarians resided, but not where to look for the grand-chieftain. He suspected the demon knew, but he was just as clueless about his whereabouts.
He spurred the horse and set off toward the eastern gate of Tyfor and the desert beyond.
So I'll press forward and hope to come across information along the way. I'm bound to find another leader like the one back there, and if I can avoid losing my composure again -
Sorry to interrupt, soldier, but you were beginning to bore me.
Adre reigned in his horse and came to a stop.
What? Who are you?
Not a very keen question to ask, Adremalech of Ophem, son of Jergisr Vergas and father of the heartbreakingly deceased Kar -
Don't, you monster! Speak ill of my sweet one and you will know regret like none other!
Oh my, I'm shaking in my boots. By the way, I pray your dim wit has calculated by now who you're speaking with. I'll give you a hint - I'm the owner of your soul.
Hades.
But of course. You're a dense one, Adre, thinking that silly trinket will protect you from me. You could stomp it into pieces and have lost nothing. Samuel Inari, the one you think of as the demon, hasn't told you the whole truth, I'm afraid. Do you want to hear it? I'm sure you'll find it quite disturbing.
Stop toying with me, bastard! Speak!
In a hurry, huh? Alright, I'll give you the condensed version. Surely by now you're aware of the terms of the pact. In return for the strength you need to slay your enemy, the grand chieftain, I take your soul. It's slow at first, but it picks up speed the more you, pardon the expression, partake of the dead.
You mean -
Your new ally does not have full control over his thoughts, emotions or actions. He thinks he's free, but my talons are still deep in his soul, just as they'll be in yours. It's only a matter of time.
Hades, you will pay for what you have done. I know you are allied with the grand-chieftain, and that my daughter was murdered to orchestrate our pact. Soon the grand-chieftain will be no more, and your power in this wo -
Enough of this! Who are you expecting to help you? Samuel, the great Sharptooth Slayer? I'm afraid he's not as resilient as you'd hoped. He'll soon be under my sway once again. Time is on my side, Adre - or should I call you Ironsword Slayer? I think that name will grow on you.
Damn you!
Remember, my teeth are already in you, and the more you struggle, the deeper they sink. Soon you'll be swallowed whole by my will, and then this world is mine.
I'll stop you. I swear it.
You had the chance. You chose power. Now you'll reap your harvest. Safe travels, Adre, I hope to see my new Slayer up close soon.
I'll be the last thing you ever see in this world, bastard.
Adre kicked the sides of his horse and galloped on.
3
Samuel strode across the hardpan surface of the desert ground, his armor producing steady metallic clicks. Nightfall and the bitter winds brought a chill to the air.
Not much further now.
Over the course of his travel from Tyfor to the desert, the power of his stone had waned. His mind swam with thoughts of killing and eating, and sly voice in his head goaded him to surrender to his hunger, to simply let go of his conscious self and let someone else do the thinking for him. It was not the voice of Hades, but rather of his will.
I have to hurry. His influence over me grows by the moment.
What's so bad about that? You were content as a servant, weren't you? You don't have the willpower to sustain this.
Shut up.
You're so hungry, Samuel. You won't last much longer without food.
I've lasted this long.
Yes, but not much longer. You must eat, unless you want Adre to face the grand-chieftain alone.
I said shut up.
The voice laughed heartily.
You know it's true, don't you? You feel your power draining away, feel fatigue and pain. You're not used to them, are you? You can end all your pain. Just give in to the hunger and all your struggling will end. One bite wouldn't -
"SHUT UP!", Samuel shouted.
Sure. But only after you admit that you must eat. You will die soon without food. Save yourself, Samuel.
Fuck you.
Very well. When you lay in agony and finally expire, don't claim ignorance.
Samuel knew the voice was right. He'd gone without food for this long only through sheer willpower. But it was at a breaking point - if he didn't eat soon, he would surely die.
Just a bit farther.
4
Using his clairvoyance, Demon-Eye could now easily focus on Sharptooth as he galloped across the sands. He was close. Just over the next dune.
Demon-Eye reigned in his steed and dismounted onto the hardpan.
He doesn't sense me. Have his senses become that dulled?
He climbed up the dune and as he crested it he spotted a figure. It was tall, broad-shouldered and moving quickly toward the entrance to a subterranean cave. Suddenly the figure halted and looked around.
Having lost the element of surprise, Demon-Eye called out.
"Sharptooth Slayer!" he shouted.
Sharptooth turned and faced him. He paused only momentarily before breaking out into a sprint toward the cave.
"Wait!", Demon-Eye called, striding after him. "I'm not your enemy!"
Sharptooth didn't break stride and soon reached the entrance. He stopped and turned back toward Demon-Eye, who stopped and returned his gaze. At this close range he could see what Sharptooth was wearing over his face.
"Why are you here, Demon-Eye?", he asked. He had to shout to be heard over the wind.
"I have a proposal." Demon-Eye called back.
"You take me for a fool? The last proposal I made with the likes of you turned out quite well for me, wouldn't you say?"
"Enough sarcasm. Hear me out."
"Very well. But I'll know a lie if I hear one. Speak."
"Let me approach."
"I like you fine where you are."
"Damn it Sharptooth, I'm not -
"You're not to use that name with me again. Understand?"
"Samuel, then."
"Speak."
"I am here because I want what you have. Freedom."
Silence fell between them, and Demon-Eye waited.
"You are sincere. Interesting." Sharptooth called. "But the grand-chieftain is not easily fooled. What did you tell him?"
"That I felt your presence and was going to investigate."
"So you told him the truth." Sharptooth laughed. "I don't know whether to call you cunning or foolish."
"I took a risk. Now I see if it paid off."
"Come forward."
Demon-Eye approached. Soon they were face to face.
"Why do you wear that thing, Samuel? It's unbecoming."
"You wouldn't know the shit I've been through because of what's beneath this mask. Your face had to be preserved so you could be the emissary of the grand-chieftain. It must be nice. Interacting with humanity, I mean.
"I care not for humans. They are beneath us. I do not seek to regain my humanity as you do. I simply wish to be free."
"What makes you think I'll help you?"
"You seek to kill the grand-chieftain. I can tell you how."
"I'm going to beat him to death. Is that what you were going to suggest?"
"Idiot. The grand-chieftain is worth ten Slayers. The brute force approach isn't going to work. But there is another way."
"What is it?"
"First you tell me what I want to know."
Sharptooth seemed to consider.
"Follow me," he finally said, then turned and walked down the steep and rocky incline into the cave. Demon-Eye followed after and noted how worn the rocks were where Sharptooth stepped. Sharptooth had been this way many times.
They descended ever lower and darkness soon swallowed them. Demon-Eye took no notice - his eyes adjusted instantly and he was easily able to follow Sharptooth down the incline. They climbed that way for several minutes, then he noticed a blue glow coming from deep within the cave and understood what he was going to see.
They came to a great chamber that was bathed in blue light. The light was being produced by a ring of grand, glowing stones. Demon-Eye looked on in wonder at these as they approached the center of the chamber, and then he noticed a wonderous thing. The ever-present sense of being observed he'd felt ever since he became a Slayer was fading. His link to the grand-chieftain was being severed.
Amazing! These stones must be...
Sharptooth stopped and faced him. Demon-Eye walked past and toward one of the stones.
"Do you know what these are?" he asked as he came to it. He looked closely and ran his hand over the surface.
"They're the instrument of my salvation," replied Sharptooth.
Demon-Eye looked back at him.
"They're purging stones. They're said to be created by the titans in eons past and used in battle against the gods. Supposedly they sapped the gods' strength and gave the titans the upper hand, not that it saved them in the end."
"I'm not interested in that crap. Tell me how to defeat the grand-chieftain."
Then a terrible realization came to Demon-Eye. The link has been broken. The grand-chieftain had lost sight of him. His betrayal was now obvious.
Well I'm in deep now. Might as well go deeper.
"Hark, Samuel, for the words I speak now will ensure your victory over the grand-chieftain."
--
author's notes: i apologize for this chapter being so dialogue heavy. and the internal monologue was a bit overdone, i guess i just really like writing them. the next chapter part is where it pays off with action.
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Hello, love! Aurora here with a review for you.
Nitpicks first.
I'll only be able to stay out for two days at the most, then he'll get suspicious.
You need a but before the then.
I can faintly feel Sharptooth's essence in the direction of the desert, which means the power of his stone must be fading.
Faintly feel? No, I think it's 'I can feel Sharptooth's essence faintly in the direction of the desert.'
That's it. There's no turning back. The pact is being fulfilled... but for her.
The sentence just reads oddly.
Oh my sweet little one. What have I become in your name?
A comma after 'oh'.
Oh my, I'm shaking in my boots.
This is a modern expression in the middle of old fashioned speech.
Fuck you.
So is this.
"I'm not interested in that crap.
And this.
End of nitpicks.
I like what you've done here. Your pacing is good, though your style varies between oldfashioned and modern. I suggest reading up on old fashioned insults and curse word, since that seems to be where you're having the most trouble.
I'd also like to see more description. Describe Samuel's hunger pains. The sands of the desert, what color are they? Bronze? Red?
Keep persisting, love.
Aurora
yeah that's a good idea, looking up some old english. i wanted to give samuel an edge so i had him use harsh, provoking language, but i guess it's confusing to the reader when i use modern language in a different era. thanks for the advice and the review.
Where to start... well it was a very interesting and entertaining read, there were just a few things stopping it from being perfect. The biggest thing that bothered me was that at some points you seem like you're trying to use old English but then quickly snap out of it. I suggest you choose either on or the other. Secondly I saw an off putting amount of pronouns. Lots and lots of he did this, he saw that. I recommend going back and changing some of these sentences or just replacing the pronoun with a name. Another thing that I noticed, this one may be a little harder to fix and maybe you won't even want to, but it doesn't really seem like your characters are well rounded. If I asked you tell me about Sharptooth's personality and find evidence from the story to convince me he had a certain personality, would you be able to? That's a very important part of writing, making sure your character has a personality. Lastly, I just want to say you could be much more descriptive. Mainly the setting was what I was thinking about; you may have a picture of it in your head, but the reader needs to be able to see through your eyes. Finally I leave you saying, that although your story, like ALL stories, may have some flaws, you have great ideas and should defiantly work at improving your story, because it has great potential.
i used a lot of pronouns because i wanted to *avoid* excessive name dropping. is that a mistake? and i realize that i switch in and out of old english, it's something i'll have to work on avoiding. thanks for the review.
this is really good you should think about publishing!
heh, thanks.