chapter 1
It was impossible.She couldn't love him.Could she? Well she absolutely did. Did he love her too? SHe wold ask him later.
Lillian is my name. I am 13 years old as of the stroke of midnight tonight. It is June 15,2009. I love to write and read... I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I am tall and skinny and i have freckles and glasses. My parents died when i was a small child. I always thought my foster mother was my real mother, until right now. This is how it went:
"Lily can you come here for a second?" her mother, Sara, called.
" yea!" lilian yelled
" well i think you're old enogh to know now..."
" What is it mom?"
" well you know how you don't look a thing like me?" lilian didn't answer. She went on " well your mother died when you were a small child."
" WAit you're my mom.
Aren't you?" lily ased
" well not exactly.." Sara repiled al most in tears.
And lily went to her room. She didn't like crying in front of her mother:
Her mother had black hair and black eyes. She was short, yet she was skinny. she was clear skinned and lily had freckles.
Lily went to public school. She had one friend and so many enimies. Her one friend's name was, David Claar. She thinks that he loves her. He may or may not... She definatley liked him.
But what if she knew if he loved her?
But she now would never know... after what happened that night...
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
oooo loving the cliff hanger!!! i like how the story is leading up to something good (or it seems like it will) i hope it does any way, to improve your story i would say add detail you would need a bit more detail, also when describing how the character would look i would say somethign along these lines *i ran my hands through my long blonde hair,thinking about him....* *i starred at my mum or who i thought was my mum, i suddenly realised her black hair standing out and how i towered above her, how everyday i saw her i wished i looked like her* i think it would make it less drowning saying *i have blonde hair blue eyes* i think if you added the story into it, it would come through so much better and more imaginative. besideds that bit i really enjoyed it and would love to see the out come of the story!!!!
Lillian's physical description needs work. You don't state her appearance straight out in the story, unless it has a HUGE significance in the plot. By huge I mean her appearance is driving the story, but by guessing by the title and the fact that its in the Romance Forum, Lillian's looks are not at the center of the story. The three dots after read are unnecessary, put a period there. The way you write about her real family is choppy. You don't go and say "I thought this, but its really this and this is how I found out", you have to weave that point into your story to make it more natural and less forced.
This part needs more description and you must go deeper than the cliched quotes that is in every other ABC Family original movie. You have to feel Lillian's pain. Try fantasizing yourself in that situation, and take note of your all of your senses and put it into your description. It will make you description more relate-able.
Same as the previous critique. You need to go into more detail and rely less on cliches. And get rid of the three dot thing.
Overall, you need to get rid of the cliches, try to flesh out your protagonist, and make your diction sound more real. I'm going to get into diction because I went into the other thing. The diction of this story consists of overused stock phrases, try expanding the vocabulary--the thesaurus is your best friend!, and try to make it sound original. Also, check your spelling and grammar. Be careful, the plot line you are going with has been used many times, so originality is key to the success of this story.
Best of luck
-aestar101
Hello there, Hope!
Here to review.
I definitely (and totally) agree with Ranger Hawk about your grammar, spellings, punctuations in dialogs and everything. However, everyone improves gradually and that's why you're here in this site. And every member's mission here is to publish their stories so that they can improve and also help their fellow YWSer who's also having problems with grammars. Well of course, no one's perfect, even if to say that J.K Rowling wrote Harry Potter and is now a millionaire. But anyways, let's go back to my point of reviewing this story.
Yes, you have lots of misspelled words and grammatical errors and everything. So you should really proofread or reread your story again so you would be aware of those things. And the first thing I've noticed is this:
Okay honestly, this might turn off your readers. I mean, did you ever read a book that has an introductory paragraph like that? Don't rush the pace and let your character describe herself (step by step), not like letting her stand in front of a mirror and tell her readers her physical appearance, because first of all, why is it even so relevant? Do you really need to describe her face and body? Think before you write, because if you didn't, then your readers would get bored on this piece. I tell you, there are hundreds or even thousands of a good introduction in a story. Want to read some? Click here.
Second of all, I know you're struggling well, but don't worry I had been arrested many times by the grammar police because of my... obviously bad grammar. And also, reading the first few lines makes this sound really common or an average story. So just, spice it up! Make it interesting and refreshing too.
I've also nitpicked and corrected (in #FF0000 ">RED)some of the dialogs you have here. It's hidden in the spoiler. :3
Spoiler
" yea!" #FF0000 ">Lilian yelled#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">Don't forget to capitalize the first letter of a proper noun.
" well #FF0000 ">I think you're old #FF0000 ">enough to know now..." #FF0000 ">Also I should be in uppercase.
" What is it#FF0000 ">, mom?"
" well you know how you don't look a thing like me?" #FF0000 ">(The word "thing" here sounds kind of inappropriate, so I think you should change it to something else)#FF0000 ">Lilian didn't answer. She went on#FF0000 ">, " well your mother died when you were a small child."
" Wait, you're my mom.#FF0000 ">" #FF0000 ">It would be better if you've added a speech tag after the dialog here.
"Aren't you?" lily #FF0000 ">asked.
" well not exactly.." Sara #FF0000 ">replied almost in tears.
~
I won't really say much because I know you're in that 'atmosphere' of improving your writing skills. So feel free to visit this forum: forum320.html
And I'm happy that you found this site. And I apologize in advance if ever you see this review harsh, but don't take it personally. All I want is just to help you. :3
So don't lose hope, and seeing that you're a new member here... well, welcome aboard!
Keep writing and peace out,
Yuri
ok thanks for the advice...
Hey there Hoper, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review! It may look scary, but I'm really just trying to help. Honest.
Okay, so my general thoughts on this piece is that it's really clichéd and is lacking a lot of detail and narrative qualities. Take a look at your favorite books; read the first chapter, and find out how they introduce the characters. How do the authors describe the characters?
Basically, you're missing a lot of "meat" in this story. You've got the bare bones here--scanty dialogue, a rushed, average description of characters' appearances, and a sudden plummet into the romance part. You info-dump in some places and withhold information in others.
Another thing I noticed was that you changed from the third person to the first. It's just too confusing, especially in such a short piece with no spaces/symbols to indicate a POV change. For example:
The green words are depicting third person; someone else is telling her tale. The orange words are in first person; she's narrating her own story. It's too confusing to switch between them throughout the story, as you've done. You need to pick one and stick with it.
Another nitpick I have is your grammar/spelling. Please check over your work to the best of your abilities, and try to catch the little things here and there. It really does make it easier for reviewers to read; and, to let you in on a little secret, the cleaner a piece is, the more likely people will take the time to review it. Anyways, I'd like you to take a look at this link about dialogue punctuation; I use it all the time and it does a really good job of explaining the ins and outs of those commas and quotation marks.
Now, as for this last bit here (which I'm choosing to focus on, since this is related to the romance, which is what I gather the main gist of your story's about), it's all too short. You're just telling us "so-and-so likes such-and-such person, but doesn't know whether he likes her back..." and then you allude to a horrible secret that is going to ruin the chances of your heroine ever being with the guy she likes. This is all far too clichéd and, quite frankly, dull. There's nothing that's making me want to read more.
Something you need to focus on is your character--your main heroine, the person that we're going to be reading about for the rest of this story and become the most intimate with. Let us get a chance to know her and to grow attached to her; if we don't care a whit what happens to her, then do you really expect us to read on and find out whether she ends up with someone she likes? Probably not. Here's another link about writing your character.
Okay, so that's all I'm going to say right now - I feel like I'm lecturing and I hate being like that. Please, feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments.