II. The haircut
Oliver was a sophomore. He had the worst luck when it came to getting and finding any decent girlfriends. They all were always the worse ones that he could possibly find. He was constantly in a depressed mood. He had just got out of another failed relationship. Oliver had long wavy brown hair that he liked but seemed nobody noticed him. He also had white straight teeth; Olive skin tone and deep brown eyes, but is long brown hair was the only thing he seemed to care most about.
It was a Tuesday morning. The beginning of second semester of school. He was walking in the halls towards his locker. He was approaching a busy intersection of students walking to their lockers and other various places. Right when he turned the corner, a person bumped into him and they bounced a way from each other.
Oliver got a look at her. She had long straight blonde hair and these gorgeous green eyes. Oliver thought she was pretty cute. He started blushing. She just looked at him and said,”Sorry” and went on her way off, smiling with braces showing. He started having a weird. Something about that girl made its imprint into him. The bell rang out and he started jogging to his first period class.
The end of the school day ended with the last ring of the school bell. He came out from his Spanish class and walked amongst the crowds of students he never paid attention. Guys all joking around, wrestling with each other he walked by or bumped into. Groups of girls all talking to each other.
A few people were alone just trying to make it out of the school and on their way home. To his left there was a girl next to him with a big bag hanging form her shoulder. It had a design on it with a white and brown horse running. To his right there were two guys with red gym bags on their shoulders. Oliver could only think they were going to practice. Usually, Oliver would be going to practice but today his mom had wanted to get him a hair cut. His mom didn’t like long hair at all. She had been telling him to get it cut for months but now she was going to do it. Oliver liked having his hair cover his face just a bit. It gave him a sense of privacy. He wasn’t sure how they wanted him to get his hair, but he despised the idea of getting his hair cut again.
He went out to the front of the school and waited for his mom to pick him up. People were still pouring out of the school towards the buses or just to another ride they had waiting out front.
He was there for about ten minutes, seeing a few familiar faces and greeting anyone he knew that walked past. Eventually, people stopped coming out and Oliver was still out front waiting by himself.
Screeching around a street, Oliver’s mom’s familiar white pt cruiser came up into the parking lot at the school. The window went rolling down and the voice of his mother yelled “Get in quick! I’m late!”
Oliver ran to the car and went in.
For the first ten minutes it was silent as his mother was driving quickly towards the haircutters. “What are you guys going to do to my hair?” Oliver questioned.
His mom answered”, what ever you want.”
“Can I just texture it and keep it long?”
“No it has to be short.”
“But I don’t know of any style that’s short.”
“Well that’s your problem. I’m going to drop you off there and then go and do an errand. I’m running so late right now.”
Another ten minutes passed before they reached the hair cutting salon.
Dumped on the side walk in front of the salon, Oliver took in its appearance. It had a dirty sign above the door saying “Sallies professional cuts”. The windows were all tinted and you couldn’t get a glimpse of anything inside. Oliver started feeling stupid. If he kept trying to see through them and there’s people in there watching him. They will think he’s some crazy guy, so he picked up his feet one after the other and made his way through the door.
Once he entered, a little chubby woman said “hey. I’ll be right with you in a few” as she went into a back room. His mind went completely blank. He had never had to go into a hair salon by himself before. That made him feel embarrassed that he didn’t do much without his mom being around to help him. He just stood at the front glass counter waiting for the lady to come back. He started gazing off at some of the pictures of models posing for the posters. He just started thinking how it would be to be a model or something. The first thing that came up was gay. Then thinking if he was a model.
Off in the distance, the woman was saying something. Then she said it even louder knocking him out of his daydream. She said once more “how may I help you, honey”.
Oliver started stuttering and mumbling his words,”uhhh. I need a haircut.”
“Well, of course, you do. What would you like me to do to your hair?”
“Im not exactly sure. My mom wanted me to get it cut short again. ” Oliver said still mumbling his words.
“What? I can barely hear you.”
“I’m not exactly sure. My mom wanted me to get it cut short again. ” He said a little bit louder for her to hear.
“Well, do you trust me to try a hair cut on you? Trust me you will look good.” She said analyzing my hair smiling.
“Um… sure?”
“Ok. I’m going to try a faux hawk on you” The lady said getting excited pulling on him towards one of the station. Oliver attempted to answer, then she just kept on talking “Oh my gosh, you will look so cute with it” She started lifting his hair up and putting the cloak over him and putting the white neck protector on.
She sprayed his hair with water and started cutting away. She just kept cutting and cutting. More and more hair falling to the ground. She would occasionally ask a question and he would answer but he never really kept a conversation going.
Twenty minutes later, all the damage had been dealt. He couldn’t see any of his hair blocking his eyes. The woman was just putting on the finishing touches when his mother walked in. Oliver was facing the door in his little. She came a little closer, until she stopped and put her hand over her mouth.
She was looking me over and said,”Wow son! You look so handsome!”
The hair cutter joined in,” You think so too? He’s just a born cutie.”
AS she was putting the gel in, Oliver started to get anxious.
Once she was done, she rotated his chair towards the mirror and asked,” well, Hun… what do ya think.”
I looked myself over and the first thing that came to mind was gay. Then immediately, his daydream of a model came over him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hiya romantic! I'm back for more. ^^
Nit-Picks:
'Worse' should be worst.
'Got' should be gotten.
There are two things wrong with the last part of this sentence.
1. I'm not sure whether you're trying to say no one noticed his hair or nobody noticed him as a person. Assuming it's the hair, it should be "Oliver had long, wavy brown hair, but nobody seemed to notice."
2. Put commas after 'long' and before 'but'.
Comma after white, 'olive' should not be capitalized, and the semicolon should be a comma.
Right when he turned the corner, a person bumped into him and they bounced a way from each other.
'A way' should just be away.
'Sorry' shouldn't be capitalized and there should be a space between the comma and the quotation mark. Also, I found this very sweet that you showed them as in their early teens, all awkward and growing.
A weird what?
I'm horrible when it comes to cars, but I believe 'pt' should be capitalized... but like I said, I'm not sure. There should be a comma after yelled.
Edited, this should be-
His mom answered, "Whatever you want."
'Sallies profesional cuts' should be 'Sally's Professional Cuts'.
Edited:
Once he entered, a little chubby woman said “Hey, I’ll be right with you in a few,” as she went into a back room.
He's thinking if he was gay?
Edited:
She said once more, “How may I help you, honey?”
Edited:
Oliver started stuttering and mumbling his words, ”Uh... I need a haircut.”
Edited:
“I'm not exactly sure. My mom wanted me to get it cut short again,” Oliver said, still mumbling his words.
You switched POVs when you said 'my'. It should be Oliver's hair or his hair.
'Falling' is switching from past tense to present. It should be fell.
Periods should be right before the end of each quotes.
So I was right! He wants to be a gay model!
Overall:
I liked the beginning, but I think it went a bit downhill. Check your work over before you submit something, and I think this writing would improve immensely. Also, stay away from 'He did this' or 'He did that' beginnings, because repeating something over and over again isn't going to give your writing the pizzazz it needs.
I saw you struggling a bit with the dialogue. If you need any help with that, feel free to ask. I know it's kind of hard to know where this comma or that period goes, but it takes practice. Keep on writing and you'll be a pro in no time.
Anyway, PM me when the next chapter comes up!