To my love,
Savanah
You have given me the inspiration to do many great things.
I love you dearly
I. Intro
Everyone, young and old, declare that teenagers don’t know what love is. Everyone may even be absolutely right. Then age doesn’t matter when it comes to love. Love is when you fight for something no matter what anybody else says or what happens to get in your way. Even if things seem hopeless, till you’re willing to give up everything in your life and fight to protect and preserve it. We teens don’t know as much as adults or are even sure what to do in life, but my name is Oliver and I love Savanah.
“Oliver Hall," our vice principal Crowley said towards the microphone atop the stage decorated in the school colors of red white and silver. Oliver got up from his seat in the crowd of graduates and walked up the small steps onto the stage. He looked at the vice principal for what he knew could be his last time. The last time he’d ever have to see the vice principal that made high school long and slow. The vice principal that looked like she deserved more to be in a library than a vice principal with her big rimmed glasses and thick red lipstick. He gave a smile to her and nodded. Then made his way towards his chubby principal who was holding out his key out of high school towards Oliver. Oliver shook hands while grabbing hold of the diploma and turned his head out and gave his best smile in the direction of where, hopefully, his parents were to get a nice picture of him. Then he took hold of the diploma and started his way off the stage while dragging tassel on his cap over to the other side. Then he took a seat once more in his red graduation gown.
Oliver was a pretty average teenager, although he was an exceptional athlete. He was the best runner the school had to offer, and was the captain of the cross country, soccer, and track. In every way he was just like any other kid. He enjoyed playing his guitar and had a dog. He liked to hang out with friends, but most of all to spend as much time as he could with his girlfriend, Savanah. Most girls thought of him as the most sexy or sweetest guy ever, due to his looks and actions. Then girls say almost anything to get with whatever guy they want. He heard all the things they have thought or said from friends or just them coming up to him. Oliver never cared about anyone else but his one own love.
A few more faceless names he never heard of were called by the vice principal. Then the one that counted came up. “Savanah Scharzicker” vice principal Crowley called. Oliver’s stomach jumped all at once with excitement from the sound of her voice being called. He saw her taking her steps up to the stage. He admired everything about her. They have been through everything, the good and the bad, the best of times and the worst of times. Oliver felt that he owed his whole life to her and believes that they are going to be together forever. Suddenly Oliver started to flashback all the way back to where they both began…
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay interesting start. That feels like kind of a rapid shift there since we start with what seems like some sort of monologue like situation that is pretty neat and does get your attention quite nicely there but then it also sort of gets abruptly cut off in the midst of that neat message to have another scene which is still an interesting scene with a similar if slightly more muted vibe, but that sharp contrast there is a little bit jarring and I'm not entirely sure what you meant to convey there either.
And the jarring transitions continue there. Now we get into this narrator just narrating about Oliver and what he's like and the description being a little bit on the nose aside, its once again a massive shift in the tone we were having here and I don't really think it works all that well here. You really should take a look at that one. The last scene again shifts so much...and while it sort of lines up with the second paragraph at that point it is a bit too broken up. I think you need to take a second look at exactly what you want to convey in this scene and try to streamline it into one flow rather than this currently quite confusing situation here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey romantic! Wow, I just love that you're posting in the romance section! We really don't see the male sex anywhere near here most of the time... but anyway, good for you! By the way, I love your username.
Nit-Picks:
Make sure the reader knows you're referring to the previous sentence. I had to re-read this to understand what exactly it is you're saying. Add something about the fight for love so the point of this sentence gets across.
Switch your quotation mark and comma around.
'Be' should be me.
Um, do you know many principals that are meant to be a library?
I think you should look over these two sentences. I'm pretty sure it should be more than two, too, so try splitting it up a bit. That way your words will flow more nicely together.
Choppiness! Let's pull some of this together, shall we?
"Oliver was a pretty average teenager, although he was an exceptional athlete. He was the best runner the school had to offer, and was the captain of the cross country, soccer, and track."
That's just one way to clean it up, but do so whichever way you like.
'Other' is repeated twice.
Insert 'and' between 'guitar' and 'had'. I don't believe his guitar is capable of having a dog.
Insert 'He' before 'Liked'.
Please explain this first sentence. Rephrase your second sentence, because I'm not making much sense of it. Also, how does he know what they're thinking? 0.0 He's a mind-reader, isn't he?
'Form' should be 'from' and 'hr' should be 'her'.
Overall:
I think more detail would really benefit your first chapter. Four chapters really isn't enough for me to really visualize Oliver graduating and how he is as a person. I think having a few more paragraphs would be much better, as well. Try describing the emotions of Oliver, like how he's feeling. Is he feeling nervous? Scared? Thrilled? Relieved? I really can't tell. Use detail and you'll have new paragraphs to add in no time.
So is this a personal story? If it is, I'm hoping you'll find it easier to delve more into the characters' personalities and thoughts. I want to know so much more about everything, and revealing just a bit about these characters will have your readers clinging to the story-line, wanting to read your next chapters. Sometimes less is more, so show your readers a little bit about this romance portion of your story. How much does Oliver really love her? How much does she love him? I'm sure you'll be telling the reader more in the next chapter, but for this chapter it would help satiate your reader's desire for the next chapter.
If you have a question, feel free to PM me. Also, PM me when you have the next chapter up!