z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Chapter one of 'Imperfect Disturbance'

by hopefull1writter


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter One

Remmy

As I drive to school the sights were the same, dead useless tumble weeds on the side of the road, the dry cracked desert dirt screaming out in pain of thirst, the bright sun cooking the earth making heatwaves rise from the ground in steaming ripples. I take a left turn in my 1976 mustang painted black as night with glimmer in the paint accented with chrome that’s all black and white leather on the inside. I downshift as I find a spot to park and my baby’s growl shuts off as I take the key from the ignition. It’s 95 degrees today in the little town of Alamogordo, New Mexico and i'm roasting. I wish I was in shorts or a dress at least but if I did they would see. As I step out of my car the air is on fire, so I rush to the front of the school where graffiti is on the walls, the red and yellow paint on the school is chipping off and the red bricks are dull. My hand grabs the burning handle to quickly open the door and when it does I shake my hand to rid the sting faster. When I walk into the school the same disgusting smell meets my nose. The smell of raunchy perfume and overpowering cologne meets my nose first. Then it's the old chewing gum, and the condensation on the other peoples skin. Eww. It's 6:30am and classes don't start for another half hour but the hallways are starting to get busy. I walk to the west end of the school to where my locker is. My heels click on the dirty while tiles that are against stained white walls. I turn down the hall where my locker is number 666. My best friend reece, who's the only person who knows the real me saddles up to me with a big grin on her heart shaped face. She’s truly beautiful inside and out, unlike me. Her hazel almond shaped eyes hold excitement in them.

“Omg! Omg! Om-freaking-G! You’ll never guess who just asked me to the dance!” is my greeting and I smile at her, as her long brown hair bounces up and down as she bites her lip to stop herself from just telling me.

“Ummmmm…. Drew?” I say sarcastically. She despises the dude every since he put frogs in her locker in the 8th grade because he had a major crush on her and she declined to go to the valentine's dance with him.

“He wishes. Anyway butthead, It’s peter from the basketball team!” she squeels and I laugh.

“Since when do you have a thing for peter? What happened to that one dude?” I ask.

“ Since today and jack you mean?” I nod my head yes. “Well we're not a thing. Ya know, love ‘em and leave ‘em.”

“Ya I do know.” is my only reply.

“Are you ok today?” She’s asks while eyed my wardrobe for today. She can always tell when something happened.

“Ya . I’m ok. Just one more year and we’ll be free from this hell hole. Well you will since you already got accepted to a college.”

“Hey! Dont jinx it and you're going to get accepted to a good college rem. You just wait and see.” She give me a small smile from her perfect pink colored cupids bow lips. “I gotta run, have to go get my date even more interested in me. If ya know what I mean. Love you!” She says as she sashays off with a pep in her step. Ya I did know what she meant. I look in the mirror in my locker to check my makeup and take a deep breath before I start my day. My daily routine for being at school is so boring. The guy I picked today is pete who is on the baseball team since a little birdy said he’s into me.

I strut up to him and say in my best flirtatious voice while batting my eyes “Hey pete. How's it going?”

“Oh, hey remmy. Looking good today,” He tells me while running his eyes up and down my body that I have to work to get.

Giggling I flip my hair over my shoulder, “Thanks. You're not looking to bad yourself big boy.”

He puffs his chest up and cockily tells me oh so matter of factly “I know right. I bet I would look better if I had you on my arm.” He winks.

“I might take you up on that offer.” Stepping closer to him I run my hand on his soft red shirt from his shoulder down to his waist band and give a small tug. “I really like your shirt, looks good on you but I believe it would look even better off of you.”

“You think so?” He asks with heated eyes.

“Mhm, I do . Are you busy tonight?” I ask him.

“No. Not at all and I’ll have the house all to myself tonight. Why don't you drop by later and we can get to know each other better?” He asks.

“ How about I come over about five dirty?” I say added with a wink.

“That works. I’ll make sure you have a good time.” He says huskily.

“I’ll hold you to that promise.” I say.

It’s annoying that hasn’t taken his eyes off my chest since Ive come up to him. Whatever. I’m used to doing what’s expected of me so I play my assets, a little wink here, push my boobs out there, add a suggestive comment while playing with my hair and biting my lip over their. I have to do this because no one tries to look under the surface. They can’t find out but even if they did no one would believe me. No one but reece anyway. I’m just the stupid little, naive rich girl that’s been with every guy. Well not every guy….. Not the one that haunts my dreams. The one who always in my thoughts. Not the one I ach to call mine again, but I learned a long time ago that their is no such thing as fairy tales and happy endings. The door by pete’s locker opens bringing a cold gust of air that’s makes me shiver as the door closes I see that it’s him. He seems relaxed and carefree until the second his eyes find me then his jaw clenches and he stands straighter with his hands fisted. He hates me, but I can’t blame him since I royally screwed up when he was mine, but I wish he didn’t.

Jay

As I came in the school doors the first person I see is her. Shes standing by some idiot jocks locker who isn't even looking at her face. I don't understand why it pisses me off to see her with other guys but it does, and that pisses me off. She curled her long dark blond hair today. She’s in twilight blue skinny jeans which shows off her rockin legs, black heeled knee high boots and a guns and roses tank top. That's one of her favorite bands of all time. I remember getting into a passionate argument with her about them. Such a beautiful sight that was, her eyes full of excitement, hands flying everywhere to help prove her point.

“How dare you say that jay! Do you even listen to them?” She tells me exasperated.

“No but I don't need to because I listen to real music, which i might add doesn't suck.” I tell her as I lean against her headboard watching her go through her phone while sitting at the edge of the bed in her cut offs and tank top. Not a scrap of makeup is on her but she doesn't need it.

“Oh you're so right because g eazy is totally real music.” She rolls her eyes as she says it. She giggles when she looks up at my expression of mock glare. I start to sit up as I say “You better take that back rem.”

“Never.” she giggles as she puts her phone down and tells me “You’ll never make me.”

“Oh you think so,sweetheart?”

“I know so.” that's the only thing she gets to say before I lunge at her and get her pinned beneath me.

“Say jay’s right!” I tell her and she squeals while trying to throw me off her to get me to stop tickling her.

“Never!” she cries.

“Say it babe.”

“Ok! Ok! Jays right.” She says with a fake pout on her delicious lips. She's so beautiful with her face glowing and hair in a mess.

“Good girl.” I say teasingly. For that she sticks her tongue out at me.

“Don't tempt me.” I tell her. “I'm trying to behave myself since your parents are home.”

A evil glint invades her expression and she says, “I dare you.” She knows just what to say to make me do what she wants and since I never back down from a challenge and i've never been good at behaving; I brings my lips down onto hers and the sweet vanilla chapstick on her plump lips invades my senses as she wraps her legs and arms around me.

She looks good today, but then again she always looks good besides the fact that it's almost like she's trying so hard to look flawless and perfect. She’s leaning against the locker next to the duds locker, which I think his name is peter, pete, patrick; but who cares what his name is, with her ankles crossed while twirling a strand of hair while biting her lip. Her greens eyes glow with amusement but were lacking interest. It's like a bricked up wall was their. She wasn’t always like this. She used to be shy, sweet, innocent but something changed after she dumped me. I don’t know what but it’s like she became a totally different person in the few weeks before school started a couple years ago. But why? Who cares. It’s not my problem; if only I could convince myself of that.

Remmy

‘Bing! Bing! Bing!’ Crap! I’m late and I can’t be late. I’m not ready for another round after school today. Im fast walking through the hallway dodging the idiots that don’t know how to freaking walk. I turn the corner sharp and wham! I run into someone that could be considered a barricade causes me to fall and my notebooks and pens to go everywhere. Great. Just freaking great. Can this day get any worse?

“Hey! Next time pay the hell attention and watch where you're walking you-” My sentence trails off as I look up to see who I ran into. Double crap. Its him.

“ You going to finish that sentence?” he asks in an amused tone with and a dark thick eyebrow cocked and a grin on his beautiful tan face. I don’t make eye contact as I gather my stuff together.

“No… s.. Sorry.” I stutter while gathering up my stuff. I go to get up and a hand shoots out in front of my face and instinctively I flinch away which causes me to drop my stuff again. After a few seconds I look up at him and his grey eyesare narrowed taking in my appearance full of confusion. Shit. His jaw is set in a hard line when I hear him ask, “Why did you recoil away from me? I wasn’t going to hurt you.” he says gruffly.

“ I didn't. You're just seeing things.” Is my panicked reply.

“Yes you d-”

“No I didn’t! Just forget about it!” I yell and quickly get up and duck around him to my class. You have got to be joking me! Of course it’s a class I have with him. I was correct this day just got a whole lot worse. All through english class I barely heard what the teacher was reading to us. Some poem from a famous dead guy from the the 1800’s or some crap. The steady heat from his eyes that were on me the entire period felt like laser beams; which were trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Everything is wrong with me. I never met his gaze and finally after what seems like eternity which was actually forty five minutes the bell rings. I hurriedly grab my things and race out the door to avoid him. As I just barley slip out the door a warm hand with callouses that scrapes my upper arm which causes me shiver; stops me in my tracks. I turn around and hope that it's not him and……. Oh great of course it is.

“Come with me” He says with a sternly.

“No, I have to get to my next class.” I lied. I'm going to lunch but he doesn't know that.

“You don't have a class remmy, your in your lunch just as I am. Now quit arguing with me unless you have some more excuses.” A minute goes by. “No? Ok now follow me.” he states.

It irks me by the way he sounded so smug. I flip my hair over my shoulder and reply with a sassy “Fine, but only because I don't want to get to lunch.”

“This way.” He tells me in a low chuckle that reminds me of dark chocolate. He turns left down the deserted hallway. Where are we going, I wonder but I ask nothing and follow him while admiring the view, and such a delicious view that is. I love how tall he is and how confident he walks. He’s wearing a black t-shirt that shows off his amazingly sculpted arms up to his powerful shoulders that follows down to a stable back and narrow waist. He’s also wearing dark denim jeans that sit low on his hips that leads to firm legs and I devour his tempting butt. Mmmmmm milk does a body good. Wow can I be any more cheesy? I can't believe I just thought that and I snicker because of it.

“What are you laughing about back there?” He asks as he turns to the right which goes to the old stairwell no one uses anymore.

“Oh nothing of importance to you.” I say sweetly to him as I flip my hair over my shoulder. “Anyhoo why are we going to the old stairwell?”

“So we can have some privacy to talk.” is all he says. Oh yay talking. This shall be fun. He holds the door to the stairwell open for me to go through. Why did he do that?

Jay

When I open the door and step back to let remy through I see that her face is scrunched up in confusion. Has no one held the door open for her? When she goes past I follow shutting the door behind us so we're alone.

“How have you been remmy?” I asks as I lean against the wall.

“Fine. Thanks, and um, you? How have you been?”

“I’ve been alright.” She's so cute when she gets all nervous and can't talk right. Wait, why is she nervous?

“Why do you want to talk to me jay? I know it's not because you care about how I’ve been.” Always been so smart and straight to the point.

“Why did you wince from me?” I ask.

“Oh my freaking god! Were on this again? I told you I didn't!” she replies

“Yes you did remy i'm not stupid. The only reason someone would flinch at at hand that went towards them is because they’ve been hit in the past. On top of all that I saw fear in your eyes. So want to try to talk your way out of that one?” I didn't mean to make my tone so harsh but god I wish she wouldn't lie to me. She turns away from me and tosses her stuff on the floor and walks over to lean on the rail with hands fisted in her luscious hair making fists till her knuckles turned white. Her back is tensed and hunched and bobs up and down fast as she takes unsteady breaths. After a minute a she turns back around as a lifeless laugh escapes her lips that look so soft and says, “It doesn't matter why I flinched away if I even did okay jay? Whatever happens to me doesn't matter because I can't change it. No one can. Why do you even care? Never mind, forget I asked I have a good idea why and I don't blame you. Look I know you despise me and don't want to ever see me but we can't avoid that so how about we go back to ignoring each other shall we?” she runs a hand through her hair to try to fix it.

“Why can't you change it remmy? Just go to the police.” I tell her.

“I can't! He has power over just about everyone in the state! So my case would be swept underneath the rug and it would just get worse. I've looked at it from every angle! Nothing jay! There is nothing that can be done except for when I can finally escape this town.” She tells me. So many questions invade my mind and I can tell she doesn't want to say anymore to me since she turns her back to me to pick her stuff up and wants to walk out the door but can't since i'm blocking it so instead she paces like a caged animal. After a minute of trying to figure her out I step out of the way and as she pases me to open the door I say “I don't hate you. Never did remmy.” She freezes for a few seconds then jerkily snaps her head to the side to look at me with pained eyes filled with unshed tears. Aw shit. I don't want her to cry or be any pain. There was once upon a time I would have beat the crap out of someone who made her cry and protect her from being hurt. I still would but I don't have that right any more.

“Don’t. Don't say things that things to give me false hope. Don't whisper sweet little nothings in my ear to try to get me to open up so you can just betray me like everyone has except reece; because that will never happen. So just leave me alone jay and forget I even exist.” She tells me then walks off quickly hunched over herself instead of her usual confident demeanor. Its like shes trying to protect herself, but from what? I'm left standing alone with tons of unsolved questions running through my head and I don't like not being able to solve things. I shall get the answers I want one way or another. Whether she knows it or not she just challenged me and if she remembers anything about me it’s that I never back down from one. This shall be fun.

Remmy

I walk as fast as I can to get away from him. Why did he have to say that? I’m only so strong especially when it comes to him. The tears i've tried to hold back finally spill over the edge and leaves cool streaks down my face. Great now my makeup is ruined. Im finally at my locker blotting at my makeup and reapplying mascara and powder when reece comes up behind me.

“Hey, you ok? You didn’t come to lunch.” He eyes hold worry in them and she nervously wrings her hands.

“Yes. No. Oh I don't know reece.” I take an unsteady breath, “I’ll tell you later tonight. I promise but for now let's get through the last two hours left of school.”

‘Bing!Bing!Bing!’ “I'm going to hold you to that promise. Im ganna go. If you need me before later today just call or text and i’ll be there ok?” She tells me and i believe her because she's never lied to me in the five years i've known her.

“Ok and don't stress on your test you’ll do great.” I tell her with a smile.

“No promises.” she replied as she disappears into the crowd.

My science class flies by which leaves me to my favorite class of the day, shop class. I took this class last year and loved it so i'm taking it again, and unlike most electives this class this one is all year long. I run to my locker to grab my bag and whatnot. I race out to the shops locker room to change into steel toed boots and shop shirt. So much better than those damn heels that pinch my feet and the itchy fabric of my guns and roses tank top. I go to the mirror to pull my hair off my neck up into a french braid to it stays out of my face. When i'm done changing I walk out into the shop which Mr. C runs. A 48 year old man thats a few inches taller than me who has salt and pepper hair. He is the coolest guy i've ever known and unlike other teachers he does not discriminate against girls doing a ‘man's’ job. Reece doesn't understand why I like building parts, working on vehicles, or anything to do with getting dirty. Its relaxes me and there's always a solution to a problemed car and or truck and no matter how difficult or complicated it is it can be fixed. Unlike problems in life.

“Hey Mr. C! How's it going?” I always ask him with a big grin on my lips.

“Hey remmy! It's good to see you like always. Its nice to have at least one nice thing to look at instead of the usual bozos that run around in here.” He tells me with a big grin which makes his kind eyes crinkle at the edges. He always says something to that effect which is nice.

“You better not let your wife here that Mr. C.” I laugh and go to my workbench as other students start filling in. I start my usual routine by plugging in my headphones and blocking out the world by listening to my ‘Shop’ playlist which first starts to play ‘Something bad’ by Miranda Lambert and carrie underwood. I then go to get my toolbox and start to check my tools to make sure they're all there and that none are broke; once that's all good I then go to check my bench by organizing it, wiping it off and giving myself as much room as possible to work. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up so I turn around and the person I least want to see is their. Mrs. Miranda and Carrie must have been trying to tell me something. “What are you doing here jay?”

Jay

I signed up for shop class because I had to switch my classes around and at least this is something i like to do. When I walk out of the locker room in the mandatory shop shirt we have to wear I walk over to the old man who’s shorter than me by at least a foot.

“Sir? My names jay and I just got put in the class.” I say as I put my hand out for him to shake it.

“It's good to meet such a good respectful man like you jay. Not many of you teenagers know what respect is now a days. You can just call me Mr. C.” He replied as he shakes my hand back. “Everyone else has partners except remmy. You can work with her. She the most talented on in here which irks the other blokes in here.” His laugh is deep and gruff and I can't help but laugh along with him. “Anyway she's over there at bench number six.” That's the last he tells me as he walks into his office to answer the ringing phone. Remmy's in here? I never would have believed it from how she acts and dresses. I go over to bench six and stop a few feet away from her and watch as she busts through cleaning and organizing. She's doing some sort of swaying side to side, boppin her head to some song. I chuckle at her dance moves because they are terrible but am otherwise am enjoying the amazing view. She put her hair into some complicated braid it looks like. The shirt is a little big on her so the collar sits low on her shoulders and a thick pale line that sits by her left shoulder blade. When the hell did that happen? I can only see the top of it but it has to go farther down and it must have not got stitches by the way it healed but it was made by a sharp object of some sort since it's a clean straight line. I know I’m no doctor but i’ve had to patch up my buddies before from when they decided to be idiots and didn't want to go to the doctor. She slowly stops what she's doing and turns around. From her pink lips I hear, “what are you doing here jay?”

“I had to switch some classes around and this was the only open class they had so I took it.” is my reply to her. Even in boots and a too big for her shop shirt she's beautiful. “Since when do you like working on vehicles and stuff?” I ask.

“Even though it's non of your business i've always liked it. I just finally started doing it last year. Why are you at my bench anyway? Haven't you heard, I work alone.” She tells me with a tone that says leave me the hell alone, But her big eyes betray her, in them in longing. But there's something else there that I can't quite make out.

“I'm your new partner. Go ask Mr. C if you don't believe me.” I say smugly. “You're going to have to learn to share.”

“Fine. whatever just don't get in my way and we’ll be fine.” she's tries to end it there by putting her earbuds back in and she steals a glance quickly at Mr.C’s office.

“Roger that. So what do you want me to do boss?” This will be fun.

“What are you? Two? Anyway everythings done we just have to wait for Mr. C to get off the phone to tell us what are new project we have to work on is. So perfect timing for you I guess.” She tells me as a matter of fact with her chin tilted high so she can look me in the eyes.

“Actually i'm three but you were close.” I wink at her to see if I can rile her up even more. “Anyway since we're making small talk, what happened to your back? That's a pretty nasty scar.”

She closes up all the sudden. Her eyes lock on the ground as she pulls the collar of her shirt up as she mumbles “nothing” and turns around hunched over with her headphones back in. Great. Nice move asshole, could you you have been any more of a ill-mannered jerk? Yes, yes you could have. Looks like I need to tread carefully with somethings here.

Remmy

This was just great. Why did he transfer to this class? Why has he seen more in one day than most have in years? No one's supposed to see that scar it's too ugly. I can still feel his hot disgusting breath on my ear as he held me down.

“Time for a new punishment sweetheart. Maybe this time you’ll learn to respect me” was the last thing I heard before hot stinging agony that ripped down my back caused my scream to pierce the empty house before I passed out.

No don't go there remmy, don't think about that night. Snap out of it. I swipe away at a tear that rolls down my cheek. Stop it remmy you're being ridiculous. Five minutes goes by before Mr. C comes out and jay nudges my arm to alert me of so and a bolt of electricity happens when his hand touches my arm. Did he feel it to? No of course not i'm just being a stupid girl. I turn in my chair to look at Mr. C as he tells us what are project is.

“Okay lady and gentlemen, I wanted to say that your last projects turned out great and your next project you’ll be doing is building a model vehicle of some sort. This will be your mid term and I know it's a ways away but it's going to need quita a bit of time to work on it. I wouldn't go super fancy on it but if your project is good enough you can enter it in the contest that’s coming up which billionaire Chris london is hosting and the partners who get first place both get a full ride scholarship to any school of their choice. Second and third place will also get prizes but that won't be announced till after the contest.”

You have got to be kidding me! A full ride scholarship to any school? Over a dinky little car toy? I need to win that contest. It's my only chance of getting out of this stupid little town.

“Now, I know this may come to a shock for many of you and me too so do well on these projects. Now start planning with your partners.” That's all he says and he turns to go back into his office.

“Holy mother of god! They have got to be joking!” Jay tells me his face full of shock. Looking like he got blasted by a bomb but I can't blame him.

“I have no idea but if they are serious then we need to do a good job on this project, I need that scholarship.” I look at him and give a small smile. “So what do you say partner? You ready for this?” I stick my hand out to seal the deal.

“I was born ready.” He tells me as he shakes my hand and gives me a dazzling smile. When he slides his hand into mine electricity shoots up my arm. His hold is firm but gentle. He’s strong but knows how to control it. Geez it’s hot in here. I quickly take my hand from his and say “Ok I think we should do a car. In my opinion they're easier to do and I still have the calculations I did on the model race cars we did. Does that sound like a good idea?” I ask him and thank god my voice didn’t give away the affect he has on me.

“Ya. sounds like a plan to me. What are you doing tomorrow night? Do u want to go look for materials then? We can go to rick’s junk yard and get some scrap metal and stuff.” He says

“I should be free tomorrow night. Where do you want to meet?” I ask

“We can meet here if you want then drive over together.” he says.

“Okay that sounds good. Do you want to start working on some basic designs.?” I ask. After that the rest of the class flies by in a whirlwind of sketching, notes,designs, and everything else. Its five minutes before school lets out so I start cleaning up the bench while jay puts stuff up. It's not bad having him as a partner I guess. The small talk is easy when it's not on personal topics and he knows his cars. I like having someone to work with. I just need to keep myself protected. I walk into the locker room and change back into my heels and tank top, I take my hair from its confinement, put some dry shampoo in it and touch up makeup before grabbing my stuff and heading back out to the shop. Jay must have changed to since he’s back into his shirt and the sight of him leaning his back against my bench with his elbows atop it and ankles crossed, well I guess our bench now, sends butterflies to my stomach. The front of him is just as beautiful and scrumptious as the back. His muscles in his arms are showing from how he’s standing and when he stand up to stretch a flash of his lower stomach shows and my mouth drools from seeing his washboard abs and the perfect v of his hips to his low sitting jeans. It should be illegal for someone to look so good but i’m all for breaking laws.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
75 Reviews


Points: 2162
Reviews: 75

Donate
Sun Feb 26, 2017 6:04 pm
SilverBerry wrote a review...



Heyo! Silverberry here for a review! I'm going to review as I read so my personal opinions will be at the bottom! Note that I'm trying to be picky so that I can be helpful.

I wish I was in shorts or a dress at least but if I did they would see.

I noticed that you have a lot of long paragraphs and then some short paragraphs. When you start off a story with a long paragraph it's more likely to make the reader a little bored and/or confused. I'd suggest that you break off paragraphs by ideas, and pay attention to the last sentence. For example, this line says a little about Remmy and hints to the problems she is facing as well as ends her thought process. You next talk about her actions (running into the school and whatnot), so this should be a good place to cut off.

I like the descriptions of the school, for it contrasts Remmy's more wealthy lifestyle.

My best friend reece, who's the only person who knows the real me saddles up to me with a big grin on her heart shaped face. She's truly beautiful inside and out, unlike me.
I'm sorry but I really dislike these lines. I appreciate that you're trying to show Remmy's insecurities, which does add to her character, but you make it a little too blunt which makes it sound a little whiny. I'd suggest adding more specific things that aren't doesn't like about herself or little things that she thinks about constantly instead of just calling herself ugly. If you span it out a little longer, the readers could grow to realize that the front she's putting up isn't real. Basically, the readers could deduce it for themselves that she is insecure.

Okay so there's Peterfrom the basketball team and Pete from the baseball team? This is a little confusing, especially since at the moment both are minor characters. I'd say you should consider changing their names, unless you have a specific reason for this.

"...so I play my assets, a little wink here, push my boobs out there, add a suggestive comment while playing with my hair and bitting my lip over their. I have to do this because no one tries to look under the surface

So here it's shown that basically Remmy can get any guy and is used to working out and knows which of her "assets" to use. This is a huge contrast to the insecure Remy who was calling herself ugly. I understand that she's trying to put up a front, but considering how much effort she puts into herself to make herself flawless, it's confusing to me that she calls herself ugly. I go back to what I said earlier, maybe show this front by (as I said before) having her overthink little hints or constantly think about a certain part of her; make it more specific.

You end Remmy's part well and I think you're good at alternating between points of view and ending your thoughts at a good point. Good job. The thing I'd suggest it making it more clear when you're switching. Maybe make the names in all caps when you're switching?

I noticed that Jay and Remmy are often commenting on each other's beauty, which is cute, especially since you make it evident that Remmy is insecure, but I think it'd be nice if they commented on things that most people don't notice. Right now their relationship seems more like lust than love...maybe have Jay notice something about Remmy like "the way her eyes light up when blablabla". I think you get the point. This would also show how close they used to be and can notice each other's tells and whatnot.

Something else I noticed are some small mistakes when you confuse "their and there" and "your and you're" and "here and hear". They aren't huge mistakes, but it's make it seem more professional if you just went through your story and fixed some small grammatical errors. We all do them, I'm just being picky.

When it comes to dialogue, your characters are witty and I like their interactions, but remember to keep dialogue in its own little sentence instead of having it in the middle of the paragraph, that'll make it easier to read. Also, remember that you should end your dialogue with a comma instead of a period. For example:
"Oh nothing of importance to you." I say sweetly to him as I flip my hair over my shoulder.
since your sentence keeps on going, you should end the dialogue with a comma. This doesn't work for question marks and exclamation marks though. Also (this is REALLY nit-picky), Remmy keeps flipping her hair over her shoulder. It's okay to make her do this a few times to show that she is really mindful of her appearance, but you keep repeating it so I would consider making her do something else like check her nails or something.

Remember to capitalize names.

I would love to know more about Remmy. I think you're really good about showing little details through her clothes and car and music style, but perhaps some explanation on WHY she likes those things. Don't make it blunt, but, for example, why is "something bad" a song she listens to in shop class? Is it upbeat? Slow? Load? Adding more details will characterize her even more without you having to have a lengthy explanation. So far you're good at this, but just a little more would be perfect!

I like you're joke about Miranda and Carrie. So far I like Remmy's sassiness and personal thoughts, and you are good at incorporating them into the story.

"she the most talented on in here which irks the other blokes in here."
[/quote] Okay so first of all, there are quite a few grammar mistakes in this sentence but that's not that important. What I wanted to say was make sure that you aren't making a Mary Sue character. So far it hasn't reached that point, but you're edging towards the line a little. A Mary Sur is a perfect character who is well liked and beautiful yet doesn't believe that about herself. Remmy is starting to fit this description, so I would consider adding something that she is bad at that she has no control over.

Okay I'm done! I'm sorry if I was a little harsh but I'm trying to be as picky and helpful as possible. I actually like where this story is going and want to know more about Remmy. You're characters are fun and you add a good number of foreshadowing and suspense. Overall good job! There are some grammatical errors that you have throughout the story, so I think rereading it will help you find them. For plot, make sure that you aren't making Remmy too perfect, and try to add more small details that will characterize both characters and will show their interest in each other. Good job and keep writing! I hope I was helpful.






Thank you so much! this was very helpful and I need to have harsh and picky reviews. I've made some changes from what you have seen and its even better than it was before.



User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 133
Reviews: 45

Donate
Sun Feb 26, 2017 3:45 pm
Pentavalence wrote a review...



Hi, Penta here with a review.

"As I drive to school the sights were the same, dead useless tumble weeds on the side of the road, the dry cracked desert dirt screaming out in pain of thirst, the bright sun cooking the earth making heatwaves rise from the ground in steaming ripples."

Watch out for that first sentence: although it has good descriptions, the fact that it runs on for so long doesn't keep the reader intrigued as much as they should be. I would rewrite it something like this:

"As I drove to school the sights were the same: dead, useless, tumble weeds on the side of the road, dry cracked desert dirt screaming out in a pained thirst. The bright sun cooked the earth and made heatwaves rise from the ground in steaming ripples."

Also, you used 'as I drive' and then 'were', which is two different tenses.

I normally wouldn't focus so much on just one sentence, but just because it's your first one and the first paragraph is the most important one. Okay, sorry for that creepily in-depth sentence revisal. On to the rest:

I really enjoyed the story, but there were so many grammatical mistakes it made me cringe. Lowercase I's, names in lowercase, missing commas, too many commas, ugh. Call me a grammar freak if you will, but the story just looks a lot better with the right capitalization and stuff.

I absolutely loved Jay's flashback, but you should definitely make the transition a little clearer. Anyway, that's all.

Keep writing!
-Pen






Ok. I totally see what you mean and I've always been so bad at grammar so I thank you for staying with it and telling me what you think it's very helpful.



User avatar
81 Reviews


Points: 2620
Reviews: 81

Donate
Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:20 am
View Likes
skylnn00writes says...



I'm editing as I read here so sorry if this isn't the most helpful review.

"As I drive to school the sights were the same, dead useless tumble weeds on the side of the road, the dry cracked desert dirt screaming out in pain of thirst, the bright sun cooking the earth making heatwaves rise from the ground in steaming ripples."

I'd be careful with this sentence. I see a comma splice after the first clause and then the other clauses are strung together to what seems to me in a grammatically wrong way. I would suggest maybe semicolons instead of commas?

In the next sentence with the description of the car, I would also maybe separate that a little but the description is very thorough and detailed.

I absolutely love the description of the smell of the school when the character walks in. If you couldn't tell, I really like descriptions :D

I would also watch your capitalization. The names of the characters for example aren't always capitalized like Jack or Peter and there are a few spelling errors that mess up the grammar but the sentences in general are good.

In Jay's flashback, I would make the transition a little clearer. I thought it was still from before and it took me a second to realize it had switched back to present. Also, Jay's first flashback.... my heart just literally melted. I'm going to cry omg.

Again, I won't point out every single one but there are quite a few grammatical errors with what seem like typos (which are also present). A good revision of this would definitely help a lot. If you need me to point some of them out just let me know. Also, I'm realizing that there are some run on sentences and some sentence fragments. Be carful with those, I know they can be a little tricky. Don't worry, I do it too sometimes.

This story is so heartbreaking and real, especially about the part where she gets hit. And my heart just broke, but then Jay caring for Rem put it back together and then it broke again because they aren't on good terms and he cares so much for her. This story gives me a lot of emotions. Way too many feels but damn it's good.

I especially loved the last line when it says "I'm all for breaking laws" and the descriptions are on point I mean I can picture this so amazingly. If I could draw, I would be able to draw the characters and what you are describing with barely any trouble. Minus the few critiques from above, this story is amazing and intriguing. Please keep working on it because I really want to see where the chemistry between Rem and Jay goes. They seem like couple goals and I'm so curious to know exactly what happened to Rem and what went wrong in their relationship.






Thank you so much for your review I absolutely loved reading it. I'm terrible at grammar so thanks for barring with me on that. I'm taking everything you said into account so again I thank you. :)



User avatar
81 Reviews


Points: 2620
Reviews: 81

Donate


A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
— Orson Welles