"This is Tigereye Jana" Brinx explained "Shes lost her memory and can't remember anything about well anything so Quints bumped into her and said she could come here to escape a penalty for breaking curfew"
"Oh well then cme in Tigereye" She smiled "Are you hungry?"
"Oh um..." I said realising I was starving
"Don't worry come on dinners almost done" She laugthd "So all you rember is your name"
"Pretty much" I said sitting on the floor with the others "Thank you for this"
"Your polite" Brinx said "But don't worry"
"So um... Whats this about a curfew?" I asked. I sounded like an idiot.
"It's this rule Lord Sinreis placed. Everyone must be inside by the end of sunset or face the concquences...an hour with a Rinez" Quints told me
"Ouch" I said, Rinez's are huge brown dog like creatures with red eyes that glow. They have a visous temper an hour with them chaseing you would be really painfull if not worse "Well I guess I know somethings"
"Good so you know there bad" Quints said "By the way your in Easont"
"East of the river Trix" Brinx said
"Right" I said I had never been east of the river so this was all new
"So Tigereye can I see your sword the handle looks amazing?" Brinx asked me. All I wanted to do was say no but how could I say no.
"Sure" I said taking it out the scabbard the solid silver blade glimmering in the light of the fire "Be carfull it's important to me don't know why"
"Mabye because its solid silver" Quints said he's eyes lighting up "How did you- wait you dont know"
"Sorry Quints" I said felling bad about lieing to them. Really I had earnt it by slaying ten silver eyed dragons in a day and trust me that aint easy "Can you tell me anything else?"
"Yeah you must be brillent with a sword" Brinx said "You have to slay ten silver eyed dragons in a day to get this... and thats only happened ten times in a thousened years"
"Wow" I said I never realise how rare that blade was "So anything else?"
"How about dinners done" Jana said dishing up four bowls of stew "Enjoy"
"Thanks ma" Quints said
"Thank you" Brinx said handing me back my blade "Hey you know you can take that cape off no ones gonna nick it"
"Oh right yeah" I said. Honestly I had been using it to cover my armur since I saw Quintses reaction to it. I took it off and took a bowl "Thank you"
"Um..." Jana said "Are you a warrior?"
"I duno" I said "Sounds like it"
"Wow" Brink said "Your armours amazing"
"Thanks"
"Hey dont you have a helmet?" Quintis asked
"Um no" I said taking a spoonfull hoping they would leave me alone then. They did.
Later that night I laid under the window my head on one of the pillows, my cape wrapped round me. My armour was next to me along with my shoes and sword. As much as I tried I couldn't sleep. Looking outside I saw a falling star and sat up. I closed my eyes and wished as hard as I could.
"Starlight, Starbright, Falling in the sky tonight I wish to know... why Im here, to know what I need to do please grant me this one"I wishpered as everyone else slept soundly. Im not to sure when the rhyme came from but I rembered it from somewhere. I laid back down and closed my eyes again. I had to get to the east side from there I could see the oracle about an answer. I fell asleep and dremet of home.
I was twelve, it was my birthday. I was on the swing in the park with my mum and dad laugthing as he pushed me higher and higher. I could see my mum laugthing too. Then it was one time they took me to Mc Donalds when I was six. My first day of secondary school, then day I came home crying because of the other girls. Suddenly it all dessolved into a thick grey mist. The memory mist!
I suddenly woke up cougthing memory mist had sliped into the house. A thick grey mist that makes you remember. Good or bad. It also hurts like hell. As I discovered. My throat was on fire, my eyes wantead to pop out their sockets, my head felt like someone had slamed a house into it. I looked around best I could for the others but the grey mist was to thick to see through. I chocked as images of my past filled my mind. My mum, dad, school. It all came racing through my mind. Eventuly I fell to the floor and past out.
When I next woke the green sun was rising. Yes sunset and sunrise are green because the sun is green. I was on the floor right next to the fire place. How I had got there I didn't know. I sat up cougthing and looked around. Quints was in the middle of the room cogthing he's heart up. He looked over at me and smiled. Brinx and Jana came out the room on the right where they slept. They were cougthing but not as bad as us. They must have got used to it I thought. Once we finely stoped couthing we all started laugthing. Not sure why, but we did. I looked outside and focused I had to get to the otherside. I missed my mum, my dad, I missed everyone I just wanted to go home. At that point I started crying really bad. Quints came over and looked at me checking if I was hurt.
"Are you ok?" He asked me worried
"I just...I wanna go home"I cried. I sounded five but I didn't care
"Did you remember anything?" Jana quizzed me
"It's all a blur" I sniffed "Sorry I think I know where I have to go"
"Wheres that?" Quintis said
"West of the river, to Siren, to the oracle they can tell me more" I said putting my chestplate on "So thank you so much but I have to go"
"Wait we can't just let you go it's too dangrous" Brinx said
"Look I need to do this" I said "If I can get to the oracle I can get an answer to my past. Thank you but I've caused you enougth trouble as it is"
"Fine" Quints said "Hey Pa can I talk to you for a seconed?"
"Ok" Brinx said and they went into the workshop
That left me and Jana in the room. She began to heat last nights left overs for breakfast. I felt guilty. All they had done was be nice to me and I was lieing to them about pretty much everything. I shiffted with my armour unable to look her in the eye.
"You honestly want to do this?" she asked me "I don't mind you being here its nice to have someone else to talk to"
"I wouldn't mind staying" I said she peerked up. She really wantead me to stay "But I need to go" She looked back at the stew "It's just somewhere I might have a family who may miss me and thats not right... Im sorry I truly am"
"Its ok" She sighed "I guess it was nice to have you here but your right your family will be worried for you"
"So... What are the boys talking about?" I asked changing the subject
"Only Poraz knows" She laugthed. Poraz is the equvlent to god in the game I guess "Well if you have to go at least let us give you something to help you"
"Um..I...Yeah thanks that would be great"
The boys came back in the room and came over to us. Brinx wishpered somthing to Jana. She paused studying me and Quints then nodded before turning back to the fire. I looked at Quints questionly, he smiled at me and got up. I looked at Brinx who avoided my gaze. They weren't telling me something but it's not like I wasn't hinding anything from them. I finished putting my armour and that on, had breakfast and tyed my cape round me.
"Wait!" Jana said "You said I could give you somthing to help you"
"Oh yeah" I said I had totaly fogoting about that "You dont have to"
"Here" She handed me brown drawstring backpack "It's got some supplies and that in it should come in use"
"Thank you" I said
"There is one more thing" Brinx said nervosly "Um.. only if you want Quints wants to come with you"
"I..." I looked at him. The same as last time with a brown cape on and a bag like mine on he's back. He looked like he had waited he's whoe life for this "Sure"
"Great" Quints smiled
"I'll meet you outside" I siad to him "Thank you so much I dont know what to say"
"Just be carful" Brinx said
"And take care of Quints" Jana added
"Yeah sure" I said checking that the money and the note were still under the window which they were. A simple thank you from me. "Goodbye"
"Goodbye Tigereye" They both said. They genurly looked sad to see me go "Please just be carefull"
"I will" I said "Goodbye"
I left them inside and begain to try to form a semi decent plan. I couldn't. All I had was find the quickst route to the oracle and take that route. I tapped fingers on my arm. He was taking forever. I looked over to the mountins on my left, east. I would have to go through them. That was a two day hike at least. Finally Quintis came outside.
"Ready?" I asked him
"Yeah" He answered "Whats the plan?"
"Um... Well were east of the river and we need to cross it so were have cross the mountins" I explained to him
"Calling the mountins dangrous is an understatement" Quints said "Hey I know who can help"
"Yeah, who?"
"Come on" He said walking off "There my friends they want out as much as I do"
"Oh" I said
"Here we are" He said as we reached the bakery "RILEN WAKE UP!" he chucked a stone at the top window then another and another "GET UP FOR ONCE!"
"FOR PORAZ SHAKE WHAT IS IT QUINTS?!" A girl yelled coming to the window and opening it
"How about a chance to go" He said
"What are you talking about?" She asked us sudenly noticing me for the first time "Who's she?"
"This is Tigereye she basicly lost her memory and is going to see the oracle on the east side and said we could come if we want" He said
"Seriously?" She said looking at me "He telling the truth?"
"Yeah" I said "So you coming or not?"
"Give me a few minutes to get ready" She grinned "I'll convince my ma"
"Gonna get the others see you at the rocks in thirty minutes top" Quints said "Come on Tigereye"
We left and went back the way we came, out of the town. We headed towords where I hade woke up the previous night. We stopped when we reaached two kids our age collecting water from the lake. They looked up at us and I had to do a double take. They were twins. It was obvious. The had pale blue skin, deep blue eyes and dark blue hair. They were water elfs. That pretty much means blue smallish people who can when there adults control the water and protect it. The girl had long wavy dark blue hair down her back. She was wearing a purple dress that stopped above her knees, black leggings and purple tied flats. Her brother had short dark blue hair. He was wearing a pair of green trouses, brown boots and a pale orange shirt.
"Hey Ella and Elic" Quints said
"Hey" They both said
"Who's that?" Elic asked putting he's bucket down on the grass
"This is Tigereye and she's the reasan weve got our chance to go" Quints said
"What do you mean?" Ella said looking at me "I don't get it"
He explained everything to them and they agreed to meet us at the rocks in half an hour. The rocks were a group of rocks outside the east side of the town. I sat there and looked at the sun. There wasnt a lot of daylight left, eight hours tops. I wantead orignly to make it at least half way to the mountins before sunset but that was nearly a days hike itself. I wondered if I should tell Quints that it was to late to go when the twins cam bundeling over, each wearing a blue cape and meassager bag.
"Hey!" Ella said
"Hi" I said "It's Ella right?"
"Yeah" She said "And thats Elic"
"Got it" I said "So were waiting on Rian"
"Rilen" Quints corected me "She'll come don't worry"
"Im more worried about the daylight" I said "There aint that much left"
"Im here" A voice said behind them "Lets go"
It was Rilen. She had tanned skin, brown eyes and coal black curly hair tied back in a ponytail. She was dressed in a red top, shorts, black boots, a worn red cape and a cream messager bag hang over her shoulder. She looked at us and grinned her face full of determnation. I must have been crazy travelling to the other side of a game land with people I didn't even know. Wait were they people or data or oh great now Im confused.
"About time" I said
"Oi don't talk to me like that" Rilen snapped at me "Got it kid?"
"Back off" I said "You only come if I say so"
"Why?" She said rasing an eyebrow "Who put you in charge?"
"I did" I said "Look your coming beacause I said you can. It's me whos going your all tag alongs"
"Rilen" Ella warned "Don't reck it for us ok? Just back off and zip it"
"Fine" She grumbled
"Dose she call everyone kid?" I asked Quints quitely
"um...no but don't take it personly it's just her" He answered "So lets go"
"Right" I smiled weakly suddenly my confidence had all most gone "Come on guys"
We walked off towords the mountins. I wasn't sure how long we had till sundown. I didn't know if I would get home ever. I didn't know what the future held but I was going to get to the oracle. I had to at least try. At sunset we reached a clearing and set up camp for the night. I opened up the backpack Jana and Brinx had givin me. Inside was some food, a water canster, rope, matches, a blanket, money and bandages and cleaning cream for wounds. I smiled they really had thought of everything.
"Rilen, Quints get some fire wood" I said taking charge "Ella and Elic see if you can find a lake or somthing you have the best chance of finding it"
"Got it" The twins said
"Sure" Quints said
"If I have to" Rilen mumbled. She had basicly been avoiding me wich was fine by me.
"Don't go to far" I called as they left "And be quick"
Once they were gone I took the old brown map from my bag and study it. It would take us about two days in all to cross the mountis so we should get over them in two or three days. The twins came back first saying how they had heared a waterfall so they followed the sound. Ten minutes away was a lake full of clean water. The other two came back with a mound of fire wood soon we had a fire going. Which was good because the night air was as sharp and cold as a shard of ice. Once we had deisccussed my plan and agreed it was good (Which thanks to Rilen was not easy) we layed down to get some sleep. Quints voluntered to take first watch. Even though I felt kind of safe and exsausted I couldn't sleep. I tried and tried to but I couldn't. So I laid there staring at the clear stary night sky a million thoughts racing through my mind.
"She's not all bad" Quints said "I know your awake Tigereye"
"How?" I aked he had he's back to me watching the fire
"When you were asleep last night your breathing pretty loud" He said "I ment it in the nices way possible oh and nice rhyme"
"Thanks" I said "So what were you saying before?"
"Rilen she's not all bad" Quints said "She's just a bit moody"
"Understatement" I mumbled
"Look Rilen will kill me if she knew I told you this" He said "So promise she wont know"
"I promise Quints she wont know" I said
"Ok look when we were growing up all we wantead was a way to get out" Quints explained "At nine it became clear Rilen was a naturel acrobat a circus offered her a job. Payed, a home, food and she would travel the world. It would have been a dream come true" He paused "Her Father wouldn't hear of it. He forbidded her and well let's say she didn't take it good"
"Oh" I said "So you lot have been freinds for a long time?"
"Yes. Eight years" He answered "We met at the rocks when we were seven. The twins were trying to do water magic, Rilen was getting water and I was looking for conckers"
"Hanging on they were all working and you were looking for toys?" I said
"Yes" He said I couldn't see he's face but I think he was smiling, he sounded happy "Now go to sleep"
"Hang on im in charge"
"Tigereye" He said turning to me. He was smiling "Get some sleep please like you said your in charge so you need to be at full strength"
"Fine" I yawned "Wake someone up in a bit"
"Ok" He said as I closed my eyes and fell asleep instantly "Good night"
I was in a golden palace, like in the story of King Minius. There was a tall old man with silver hair and troubled face. He was dressed in rich looking clothes. All red and gold. On his head was a grand golden crown. He was sat on the throne a man stood oppiste him. I couldn't see him but he's voice sounderd familler.
"She's here" The man said "She took the bait my lord"
"Good" The man who I guessed was a king "She always was stupid"
"She is now traveling with four others to the river" The man told him. Were they talking about me?
"Why would she do that?" He asked
"She's going to see the oracle" The man explained "Should we intercept?"
"No" He smiled wickedly "Let her get close in fact let her get to the river but don't let her cross"
"Yes sir"
"Oh and don't make it easy" The king added
"Yes sir" The man said "Willow will only get so far"
I woke with a start. They had been talking about me. My real name was Willow. How did they know who I was and that I was here? I looked around the clearing there was no one around. Ella was sitting by the fire yawning. It was nearly dawn. I stood up and sat next to her. She hadn't talked much to me.
"Hey" I said "I'll take over"
"It's ok" Ella said "I haven't been at it for long"
"Well I won't go back to sleep for a while" I said "So..."
"I know who you are" She said her voice suddenly serious "So don't fake Willow"
"WHAT?!" I said "How did you-"
"You won't make it" She snarled standing up and drawing a knife from her belt "I wont let you"
"Ella" I said standing up "Calm down"
"You can not remember" She screamed as she lunged at me with the knife. I dodged the knife "YOU CAN NOT REMEMBER!"
"Remember what?" I asked her dodging her as she swished her blade about. How had the others not woke up yet "Ella! Guys help!"
"They can't" She laughed "I gave them a sleeping drug the wont wake for a few hours at the earliest"
"You should do your research carefully" I said reaching into my pouch and taking out a small vile full of a green liquid "If you did you would know that Linrex destroys sleeping drug's" I ran round them all pouring it on there faces screaming "WAKE UP!"
"NO!" She screamed lunging at me I drew my sword. I had no choice "You can't remember"
"What?" I said knocking her back "Can't remember what Ella?"
"You can't" She screamed
"STOP" Elic said raising water out her bottle and coiling it round her like rope "Calm it sis"
"SHE CAN'T" She screamed at me "Stop her"
"What is she talking about?" Quintis asked me coming over
"I don't" I said suddenly weak and tied "What did you-" I collapsed onto the ground
"She failed" The king said from my last dream "We need a new plan"
"Sir" The same man said "The other girl with her has a feisty temper. A fuse could send her out of control"
"I see" The king said
"Should I light the fuse?" The man asked looking around
"What is it?" The king demanded
"I sense someone is watching us" He said
"Your senses are not that sharp" The king said "And yes light the fuse make Willow pay"
"Yes your highness" The man bowed "I shall light the fuse"
I woke up with a start. I was laying on a the ground my blanket over me. The sky was blue. I sat up and saw the others. Ella was tied to a tree, Elic was watching her sadly, Rilen and Quintis were looking at my map. I stood up and went over the mood could not have been more negative and depression.
P.s. I'm a little stuck for ideas so any one got any please I'd apprciate the help thanks.
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Hi there hope235, DrFeelGood back again to review your second chapter.
Okay, so I really enjoyed your first chapter. It was fast paced, entertaining, nicely narrated and had a non-stop entertainer for most of the time. Like I said in my last review, the problem began when dialogues came into picture and here your minor issue of last chapter becomes a major issue of this chapter. I really like your concept, but honestly the idea in itself is a standard fantasy story. If the idea is not unique you really need to dig hard to find innovative ways to narrate the story to keep your readers hooked.
The problem here is, dialogues don't flow naturally. Last time you had a well defined plot to display to your readers, so even though you made some mistakes I was more than willing to forgive and ignore. Here the uneven dialogues from the first line are a major put off for me. There are also many grammar errors which pretzelsing pointed out. He/she has also given links for you to resolve so your issues. I see, you have made some changes but the silly, unchecked spelling mistakes are really hard to ignore.
I'll just give you one important point.
While writing a dialogue, you need to end it with a full stop/comma/question mark/exclamation. You can't leave it as it is. For example:
These are some of the mistakes which you need to correct early one. Honestly, unlike your previous chapter, this was hard to follow. You need to work harder on editing and improve dialogues before proceeding forward. I hope you take a note of this!
Good day!
Since Pretzel has already taken much of what I was going to say, I hope you don't mind if I take a few of her points and explain them. (Also, I am curious: is English your first language? Don't be afraid to say it isn't; many people on YWS have English as their second or third language. Also, what grade are you in? I won't ask for age or anything, but it is nice to know background so I can better explain certain things.)
Going on! There are two things that really stood out to me: a lack of punctuation, and the beginnings of your sentences.
While Pretzel has given you some links, I often find that those sites can be a tad overwhelming. For now, just try to get one thing at a time. I'll help you with dialogue punctuation first:
Remember to use your periods and commas. If dialogue does not have a tag (he said or she said, that kind of thing) then there should be a period inside the quotation marks. If there is a tag, use a comma. The only exceptions are exclamation points and question marks, which are just weird. Also, even when the dialogue is over and you are just writing the tag, there needs to be some kind of period or end mark at the end of that. You were fine with periods elsewhere, but the dialogue is still a sentence, and still requires an end mark.
In other notes, this story definitely has potential. While I've seen cartoons about people inside of game worlds, (and a movie... was it Tron?) I've never read anything similar. There is a lot of space within your style for strong action, and you've already started to expand your tags to include more than just dialogue ownership. I look forward to seeing where you go from here!
I know it's late, but welcome to YWS. Hopefully, I'll see your work around sometime. If you would like, you can tag me, or leave a message on my wall when you put the next chapter online.
I wish you the best!
-Buggie
Heya pretzelsing here and I am going to try to generally review your work as much as possible.
Overall this work does have potential but it is very confusing and grammatically incorrect. First of all, I would recommend running it through a spell-checker before you submit it into YWS.
Here is a free spell checker
Another thing is that you overused ellipsis which is the three dots... I see a lot of writers do this and I think that every writer needs to learn the proper way to do ellipsis
Here is a guide to ellipsis Please just fix that.
Another thing that I found that you have a lot are run-ons: The way to fix them is to add a period and start a new sentence with a capital letter or to put a , and(or other etc.)
Here is a guide to run-ons
By the way,before you post a work on YWS you absolutely HAVE to edit your work by reading it through carefully and finding all errors.
Here is another guide to editing
This guide can help you because it has a checklist to use and just general points and things that you should look for. You, as the writer of this short story should very thoroughly fine-comb this piece.
I know that I am giving you a lot of links but that is just to help you and direct you to resources with more information than I can give on here.
Because your piece was so long, I will take paragraphs at a time. What I have written in bold is what I want to fix or add and what is crossed out should be crossed out.I will only do big blocks of paragraphs,not the dialogue:
I will not keep on going because most of the mistakes are in spelling but as I pointed out,some of them are from run-on sentences. Straightforward, if you want this work to be good, polish,edit,edit,and edit it! Noone likes to read words or sentences that aren't grammatical correct. It's just unprofessional. I think with a lot of hard work this could become a beautiful story.
I hope that this review helps and I encourage you to keep on writing in order to be an experienced writer.
-pretzelsing
Overall, the plot of this story is nice, but I agree with the previous comment about spelling and grammatical errors. I wish you luck editing!
Thanks what you pointed out spelling and grammar not my strong point so it's nice to know.