Magic Realm
I should have known something was wrong when the message on the screen came up. Who in their right mind would click yes to a message like that. Oh that's right, me. I swear sometimes I'm so stupid I surprise myself. But I still clicked yes, that's all there is to it. Its my fault and mine alone. But what happened after I clicked it was never my intention, ok? Sitting in my room logging on to my favorite game Magic Realm on my computer I thought it was going to be the same as any other Friday. I would stay online till ten, have dinner and go to sleep, God was I wrong. As I waited for it to load a message came up on the screen.
Would you like to live the life of your avatar? Take their place in Magic Realm? Would you like to go to Magic Realm for real? Be the hero for once in your life?
Yes No
I read it twice. What was that about? I figured if it was something bad I could just turn my computer off. So I clicked yes. I regretted it instantly. The screen froze. Suddenly it began to glow a piercing white. The light became bigger and brighter until I was covered in a blinding white light. I screamed as loud as I could as I was pulled into the computer. It all suddenly went black. When I next opened my eyes I wished I hadn't.
It was dusk I could already see a few stars in the clear sky. But there were two moons, a red one and a pale yellow one. I was laying on green grass. I sat up and saw I was at the edge of a forest and there was a village close. There was a lake to my right. I walked over and looked down at my reflection. My head was full of questions. Where was I? What had happened?
My brown hair was tied in a plait round the base of my head, a few strands hanged over my pale face and green eyes which seemed to be lit up. I was dressed in a pair of black leggings to my knees, a black top with sleeves to my elbows and dark brown lace up boots. My shins, left shoulder and chest were covered in plain silver armour black scabbard containing a silver sword. I had an ankle length blue cape on. I looked around once more and shivered, I knew where I was. I was in Magic Realm and I was my avatar Tigereye. The message had actually sent me there. But that was impossible.
I couldn't understand how it had happened. I remembered clicking on the message, the light and black nothingness. Was I dead? Maybe it made more sense then being sucked into a video game. I could feel my heart beating uncontrollably as fear built up inside of me. I screamed shaking. I walked towards the town. Maybe if I could figure out where I was, I could figure out what to do.
As I walked through the town full of wooden buildings I hardly saw anyone.I still never let my guard down. If I knew anything about the game it was that it attacked you when you least expected it. It was begging to worry me. This place normally had a waiting list to log on it was that popular. But there was no one around and definitely no one who looked like a player. As I turned a corner I felt something push me to the ground. I laid there for a moment dazed. I wasn't sure what that had been. I sat up and saw a boy about my age, fifteen crouching on the ground next to me. He had straight blonde hair, olive skin and pale blue eyes. He was dressed in a blue sleeveless top, loose brown trousers to hes knees and brown shoes. Tied round hes waist was thin black ribbon. He looked in a hurry but also scared.
"Sorry" He said standing up "Are you ok?"
"I'm ok" I said standing up shakily "But watch where your going"
"How comes you're outside? Curfews in five minutes" He asked looking around then saw my sword "Are you a knight or something?"
"I cant remember" I said, I thought I better not tell the truth so I decided to say I had amnesia
"I don't know how I got here or why I'm here I woke up at the edge of the forest"
"Oh well come to my house and I'll tell you where you are and that but quick before they catch us" He said
"Who?" I asked caustically. I still couldn't get my head around what was going on.
"Just follow me and I'll explain it all" He said "Come on"
He lead me through a maze of streets until we stopped outside a blacksmiths. He opened the wooden door and gestured for me to enter. I walked inside and had to catch my breath. There were creates of beautifully crafted swords. There was a man sealing one of the crates. He looked up at us and looked back at the boy confused. He was middle aged with ash hair and the same blue eyes as the boy who I guessed was he son. He was wearing a blue shirt, brown trousers and shoes. Over the top was a dirty apron. I shifted uncomfortably as the boy went over and began to talk with him.
"Hi by the way" The boy said once they were done talking obviously about the strange girl who had just burst through the door with amnesia. "I'm Quints"
"I'm-" I paused. Which name did I use? "Tigereye. I remember that"
"Anything else?" Quints asked me
"No not really" I sighed "Um sorry about this"
"
Don't worry" He said "Are you hurt at all?"
"No"
"So
can you help us quick then I promise I'll tell you all I can"
"Sure" I said and began to help stack swords into creates.
Once we had finished Quints and his dad Brinx lead me through a door at the back of he's shop to there house. There was a fire place at the other end of the cramped room. There was a low wooden table close to it covered in cooking ingredients. On the left was a window with tatted cream curtains. There was pillows on the floor and a bed set up next to the door in the corner. On the right wall was a wooden door. Cutting up a carrot was a middle aged women with long straight blond hair tied back, olive skin and grey eyes. She was wearing a faded orange dress and dirty white apron. On her feet were plain brown flats. She looked up at us and looked at me, then to Brinx and then to Quintis. She smiled. I guess she didn't mind the company.
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Hi there hope235, DrFeelGood here to review your story.
Okay, I like the concept. I know this isn't new, nor am I a sucker for fantasy genre. But your breezy narrative style makes it work. "Magic Realm, a computer game pulls me into it's world"
that's quit interesting. You quickly begin your chapter with no useless info-bumps, you straight away kick start your plot and before we know it, we are into your Magical world.
So far it was a breezy, entertaining, been-there-seen-that predictable fun ride. The problem begins right from this point,
A tiny nitpick. 'Sorry' needs either a question mark or exclamation mark there. Also, the dialogue breaks you flow badly and breaks your effortless narration. The second dialogue has many grammar errors. You need to run a grammar check on Windows and correct these typos. These grammar errors, an out of place dialogue makes it hard to read. If I overlook at grammar, your overall flow is pretty good but dialogues lack punch and are not flowing naturally. Will check your second part soon!
Hey, Hope! Never fear, Raven is here!
I am here to deliver a special review just for you on this fine Review Day! So sit back, relax and read. I have to warn you though, I have tendencies to be harsh. So, let's begin.
One of the first things I notice is the title. It seems sort of... generic and over used. With one quick Google search, one can see that there are many games named that-- and it might get the author sued. Just something to think about.
However, on a brighter note, the first sentence really drew me into the story. It brings up some questions in the reader. "What is the message? What did the main character do? Did they click it?" So we want to read on, to find out what happened! Thankfully, all of the questions are within the next two paragraphs. Although, there is always that one thing that urges the reader to move on with the story... and I like that.
The fourth paragraph seems a little rushed though. It doesn't give the reader enough time to take up their surroundings and actually get to know the world. It's just a few sentences of descriptions then we're suddenly looking at the man character. Why not go into a little denial about the forest the character is by? About the houses in the village. Is it big, or small? Was the wood on the huts light or dark? Worn, or new looking? Was the grass around Tigereye trampled, or cleanly cut? Was there even grass? Just little notes like this will help the reader get more accustomed to the computer world.
(Oh I also really like the name Tigereye.)
I do have a bit of a problem with the punctuation. When someone ends a dialogue dialogue bubble, there needs to be some sort of punctuation at the end. Or else it looks really choppy and hard to follow.
So: "I love you." I said to my kitten. "I really, really love you!"
See? At the end I have a period! However, any type (I believe) could be used there.
Okay! So my mom needs me so I need to wrap up this review! I hope you have a wonderful day! Also, keep on writing!
~Rae,
This was great! I really like your idea for the story as well, it's really interesting. You also had a really good hook, too! This is something that I would definitely keep reading. Keep it up.
Thanks
Congratulations on uploading your first story! I’m assuming you’re going to add more to it as your story progresses, but I thought the idea of really becoming your avatar on a game was an interesting concept (I’m never going to be able to look at games in the same way again…)


I loved your first sentence – it was a very effective opening to draw the reader in. I could almost imagine the message coming up on the screen actually – like one of those spam messages you get on websites.
I spotted some errors while I was reading this, but they were mainly spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes (I’ll go into them in more detail in a bit) The only real thing that glared out of the page at me was the fact that Tigereye – who’s just been sucked into a game – isn’t more scared. Sure, she screams as she gets pulled into the computer, but as soon as she ends up in the game she acts in a far more casual way. I’d have thought that she’d totally (and obviously) freak out – wouldn’t you?
Apart from that I couldn’t see anything wrong with what you’ve written so far in terms of content, more in terms of presentation. For example, the bit where the screen starts to glow is very brief and could be expanded for a bit of dramatic build-up.
“As I turned a corner I felt something push me to the ground.” This has no dramatic impact. Tigereye isn’t expecting to be suddenly assaulted and pushed down; she should react a little more than she does. You seemed a little eager to move on at this point.
You do tend to overdescribe what the characters are wearing and what they look like. I wouldn’t have thought it was necessary to describe everything – just the things that stand out (like the apron)
You’ve also used the wrong words in some places. This is easily done and easily sorted. For example:
“Would you like to live the life of you avatar?” It should be “your avatar?”
“amour” should be “armour.” If you’re an American (I’m guessing you are) it should be “armor.”
“pendent” should be “pendant.” Pendent is an adjective, pendant is a noun.
I’m not sure what a “seethe” is. Do you mean a scabbard?
“It was begging to worry me” – I think you meant “beginning.”
“How comes your outside?” – I think you meant “How come you’re outside?”
“hes knees” and “hes waist” – don’t you mean “his”?
“hes's” should be “his.”
“Quints” is also referred to as “Quintis” (last paragraph)
I like the story and where it’s going, and don’t be discouraged by my feedback – I’m quite a picky reviewer, but I’m trying to be helpful. There’s room for some improvement (very few writers get it flawless first time) but it was great fun to read and as I said before, there’s not really anything wrong with the story. It was very imaginative, and I’d love to know what happens next!
Thanks but I'm not American by the way. No worries though.