The One Who Hears All

hoodiegirl wrote:Jeans,
t-shirt, #FF0000 ">Try a phrase that draws you in to the poem some more.
normal appearance,
but hurting inside,
waiting for life to turn around,
but it never seems to want to. #FF0000 ">This has some lack of flow. You should take out the "but". "But" is never great in a poem, in my opinion.

Fall to her knees, #FF0000 ">Try "Falls to her knees"
cries to the one,
the one who will hear. #FF0000 ">Repetitive.

She tries to escape,
but never can.

Until she calls to the One Who Hears All. #FF0000 ">Doesn't really flow...

#FF0000 ">Okay. This was alright, though what you were trying to get across was unclear. Also, the flow was cut off in certain places- maybe try reading the poem aloud, that always helps for me. With some editing, this could be good. Good luck!

Honestly I'm not a good critique at all...
but I am for sure that this piece is amazing...
there could be changes as the others above me have already said....
but above all this is amazing...
keep up the good work....
Oh and welcome to YWS!

Welcome to yws!
Nice to meet you, Hoodie girl.
I agree with careless here.

hoodiegirl wrote:Jeans, a t-shirt
normal appearance,
but hurting inside,
waiting for life to turn around;
it doesn't spare a backwards glance.#0040FF ">Or something to that effect.

Falling to her knees,
she cries to
the one who will hear.

She tries to escape,
but never can.

Until she calls to the One Who Hears All.

I'm not sure what you're trying to get across here. As well as your lack of structure seems distracting.

As Aussie said, show don't tell.
So she wears jean, a t-shirt, she's crying and on her knees. So what?

Give us more, you are just telling us something and the reader is just left like this, having gained nothing and their imagination not taken anywhere.

You want to explore things like metaphors and similes to give more to your reader.

Keep trying,

Kamas

hoodiegirl wrote:Jeans,
t-shirt, #FF0000 ">Why do we care what she's wearing? Maybe try, "You'd never know from the clothes she wears, but she's hurting inside" or something.
normal appearance,
but hurting inside,
waiting for life to turn around,
but it never seems to want to. #FF0000 ">never seems to want to what? I know what you mean, but this is confusing.

Fall to her knees, #FF0000 ">poetry is no excuse for bad grammar. SHE falls to her knees.
cries to the one,
the one who will hear. #FF0000 ">I think only having one "the one" will make this line stronger.

She tries to escape,
but never can. #FF0000 ">How does she try? Show, don't tell.

Until she calls to the One Who Hears All.