Young Writers Society

Aye Rose...I need to get back into reviewing and I thought "HEY...WHY NOT REVIEW ONE OF MY FRIENDS TO GET BACK IN THE SWING OF THINGS..." and then I thought "HEY....WHY NOT REVIEW ONE OF MY FAVORITE POEMS THAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN." So yeah here we go:

I remember reading this back in November and regret not reviewing it when you published it. (better late then never) and I just LOVED this poem! I think it was the format mixed with your diction that just mmmmm it totally drew me into reading it. I love some of the words you used like "beaming". When I read that line, it put an image in my head of a flashback between two people before a big fight. It's very applicable across any relationship between any two people. Someone looking back on a fight to the good times. I find myself doing this a lot and this poem BEAUTIFULLY painted a picture in my mind that was very personal. One of my favorite lines in this poem was

sipping sweet drinks and appreciating the rays of daylight

Heya, Deeproses! Casanova here with another review as promised!

Anyway, out of the three I've read this is definitely my favourite. Not because of the skill put into it, not because it's longer or anything like that. This one's easier to relate to, this one is easier to feel, this one has a lot more emotion in it than the other two seemed to have. And I appreciate that.
If there's one thing I did notice, though, was the lack of imagery. You're giving us a thousand things, daylight and drinks and birds. But they just stay there, never becoming more than just another piece of how it was. I think you would appreciate these moments more than that, but that could just be me.
Anyway, overall I feel like this is a strong piece with practically nothing wrong with it besides a style preference. You have the emotion, you have the feelings, you have a picture of how it was. The ending was absolutely perfect for this. And I can see why there's no imagery, but still. I'd love to see what you could do given a thousand different images that you could have used for this.
The best two lines would have to be the last two lines. I've noticed this, your strongest lines are the last, and that's rare. It just seems to build.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

This is Kaos here dropping in for a review!

The first few lines interested me but they didn't really give much impact or define anything. You don't really define what you mean by the harshness or the foulness and it stays vague in a way that's not good. It leaves too much open and is too broad, so use more specific details than what you have here. Your harshness is not the same as my harshness, and your idea of foulness is not the same as mine, so pinpoint and define it. I think the usage of imagery with words-on-lips could add more emotional impact here.

I have to agree with Lumi that the flow in this poem is a strong point, and I commend you on that. The first few lines didn't really work for me, but then on out after "foulness" it started to pick up. One thing that I want to touch on is the imagery in this poem, and I thought it was rather faint though I can see it becoming stronger. I wanted more of an evoking of the feeling of memories and the past to contrast all the happy images and memories in this poem. That's what I want.

I want you to make lines that knock the reader's teeth out in terms of emotional weight behind them. I can really see some more emphasis on that with some punches to make this more bittersweet because the break-up aspect of this poem didn't really affect me. Throw some punches with things like "(but I know that'll never be.)" after the last line and wanting to forget about all of the negativity, if only for a moment. Give us that side of the poem and I think that sensory details with the old memories would be appreciated.

Build us up and rip us apart again. Punch us and then tell us that you love us.

Ayy, your fllow's en pointe.

Harshness and foulness can easily be replaced with things that evoke more visceral responses (think knuckle-biting) without any trouble. If you like them the way they are, just do it as an experiment, see which you like better. Maybe you'll find an image that suits you in the future.

I love the sweetness of the following 'stanza' where it evokes a sort of southern charm for me. Reminds me of sitting on a porch swing with a sweetheart and sweet drinks--just like you said! Hah. But yes. :/ Smiles do seem effortless in those days.

What I want to see/feel/hear is what went wrong. What was the harshness and foulness? Or is that for the reader to interpret? You evoke some beautiful images here, and it makes me wonder if you could evoke some gutwrenchers as well.

All the best. Read, write, share, edit.
Ty