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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Ok so, first off, this seemed like a varitiy of other poems that I have read... Most of the lines said things I've heard many many times before. The lines are very common. Also, the some lines are relly short, others really long, this can be disoreantating to the reader. You used "but" a lot, and used it close together, which doesn't sound good. I see that this is a poem that was written for a reason, and that you had strong emotions about the subject. It is the subject that is the down fall. It is so commom that it is almost imposable to write a poem that is origanal. It also seems like you wrote a lot of sentence's, like you were writing a letter. I think that you could make this better by omitting some of the longer lines, or just shortening them, and also if you changed the wording a pit so it is not like the rest of the poems that are all like this. Add metaphors and similies, use personification and other things... Don't just tell use how you feel, show use, make us see what it is that you are talking about, not just tell us, I know you can do it!
Hope this helps,
~Rain~
It was a very long poem, but i like your style, it is simple and easy to read and understand. I also like the issue you are writing about in this poem. It's kind of sad but inspiring. It's great!
You did a great job of conveying this topic. I liked it a lot. You're a good writer. I can feel the pain that you feel for your friend. I can tell that you are a good friend to her. Keep writing.
Hello there
I liked the first part where you repeat the 'he', what he's doing. It got me into a rhythm. Now, when you switched, I thought, hey, wait a minute! Maybe you want to break out the parts? But I get why you kept it as a whole so you don't really have to. Just be concsious that you are breaking up the rhythm that we've established in the first part.
So, first impression... it looks very long. I know you'Ve got a lot to say but it discouraged me a bit.
But, as I read on, I really liked it
This is really good! I liked the theme and all.
Keep writing!
-Truth-