I don’t remember seeing my dad much growing up. That was just the way it was. We called but he didn’t visit much and we didn’t visit him, either. It was hard when people asked about him, what he was like, because, frankly, I didn’t know. All I knew was that when I was ten he married some women named Nina, we were invited to the wedding but we didn’t go, my mom couldn’t afford the tickets out to LA-where they live. Nina had two kids- Mia who was thirteen and Sean who was seventeen, my age. Then when I was fifteen they had Anna, who is now two.
So it makes absolutely no sense why my mom’s sending me to live with him. Yes, she got re-married and I told her I could give her and Phil-her new husband- time to themselves, but I thought she would just send me to my grandparents, twenty minutes away. Not my dad’s! Worst of all they live in Los Angeles. Apparently Nina is some rich chick and they live in a big house. I don’t know how my mom could send me there she knows I hate people who flaunt their richness and have big houses. Those kinds of people annoy me. I guess, because growing up we lived in a poorer township in Washington and I think that those people shouldn’t risk it, but who am I to criticize? It’s their life, if they want to get themselves in trouble, who am I to stop them?
“Ready to go, Aria?” My mom, Lia, asked me, pushing her brown hair over her shoulder. As she picked up one of my bags.
“Are you sure you don’t even want to go into the terminal and see dad and Nina?” I asked her, as I picked up
my other bags and tried to shake my straight brown hair out of my brown eyes.
“Yes,” she said shortly. Ever since I was four- and they got divorced, because she thought he didn’t care about
her and I anymore since he was working more and more hours even though we didn’t need the money- she hasn’t wanted
to talk to or about my dad or Nina or anything related to my father.
“Ok, I just thought maybe-“
“Aria, don’t! Just get into the car, I will say goodbye to you at the airport. That way we don’t have to worry
about parking,” she said with a little bit of sadness in her eyes, which quickly went away when Phil entered the room. Phil
and her have been married for only a few days but have been dating since, well since I was seven-three years after she
divorced my dad. I think she was with him the first time I saw her smile-when she started hanging out with Phil- after the
divorce-they worked together, until he quit and got a better job, which he is now using the money to go on their
honeymoon and buy a new, nicer house.
“Sorry, Mom,” I said apologizing, as I sat in got in the back seat and straightened my white skirt on-I wanted
to make sure I looked perfect when I saw my dad and his new wife. They were flying out so they could see me and bond
on the plane before I had to meet everyone else in the family.
“Just forget about it,”
“So, are you excited to go visit your dad?” Phil asked me trying to break the silence.
“See him? Yes. See LA? No,” I said as I picked at my split ends.
“Why not LA is filled with big houses and celebrities,” he asked, curious. He and I never really talk so it makes
sense why he wouldn’t know I hate all of the stuff he just said.
“I hate big houses and rich people who flaunt their richness,” I stated, bluntly.
“Oh,”
“Aria, I expect you to treat Nina with respect even though she's wealthier and they live in a bigger house,
promise?” my mom said as she finished loading the car with my bags.
“Promise, just why do I have to spend the WHOLE school year with them the three weeks of summer will be
good enough.”
“Your father wants to see you, he misses you,” she said as she sat in the driver’s seat and pulled out of our
governor driveway.
“Is that why he never bothered to come visit?!” I said, angered.
“Aria! I know you blame your father just try and enjoy this. Meet new boys maybe find a boyfriend. I know you
have been upset ever since you and Zach broke up and-”
“Zach and I weren’t meant to be don’t bring him up!” I yelled. Zach was my boyfriend for two years and I
thought we were in love that was until I saw him kissing Ally Miller at MY birthday party. That was when I ended it.
“Sorry, just try and make friends his step-son is your age, right?”
“Yay!” I said, with noticeable sarcasm.
“Aria! You’re the one who offered to go so stop it! I will miss you and it will be hard for me too not to see you
everyday like I'm used to but you offered to go!” my mom said as she slammed on the breaks so she wouldn’t hit the car
in front of us.
“How much farther?” I asked, a few long moments later.
“A few minutes.”
As we pulled into the airport they dropped me off at Northwest Airlines drop off center and unloaded my stuff.
As soon as all my stuff was unloaded, I gave them both hugs and added as they had tears in their eyes, “If I
come back and you’re pregnant or I have a sibling I will kill someone.” Then walked off, leaving them confused.
When I entered the airport I heard someone calling my name and saw a tall, blond, buff guy with brown eyes.
He was standing beside a pregnant, blond hair, blue eyed lady.
“Hi, dad,” I said as I ran into his embrace it felt so good to be in his arms, like I was safe from anything that
would harm me.
“I have missed you, where’s your mom and her new husband?” he asked as he kissed my forehead.
“They didn’t want to come in and have to worry about parking, sorry,” I said. I knew it wasn’t fully true but I didn’t want to ruin this moment.
“Its ok. Aria, this is Nina,” he said pointing to the pregnant lady.
“Hello, Aria. I would hug you but it’s kind of hard with these little ones,” she said gesturing to her stomach.
“Boy or girl?”
“Both, so we will have a crowded house in a few weeks.”
“I shouldn’t have made you fly out if you are due so soon, I'm sorry,” I said apologetic.
“Its fine, I wouldn’t want to miss it for the world. You're father has told me so many good things about you.
I'm sure you and my son will get along great! As well as you and my daughter and Anna.” she said as she followed my
father who picked up my bags and headed to the baggage checking area.
“Yeah, I'm sure we will. How long is the flight?” I asked as I put my bags on the scale.
“Two hours, real short. Then when we get home I want to show you you’re room. I set it all up. Sorry, but your
rooms beside the nursery and Anna’s room.” Nina said.
“No problem, sorry I came on such short notice,” I said, apologetic.
“Its fine, I can't wait to spend time together,” Dad said, as he led me to security.
After passing through security we went to the terminal and barely made our flight-but we did. Two hours is a
long time on a plane. Especially since it was raining the whole way there and it was VERY bumpy. As the pilot announced
that we were starting to departure, I woke up my father-who had been sleeping the whole time. When we had all my
luggage we headed to the sidewalk and got a taxi who took us to their house which was about fifteen minutes away from
the airport.
When we pulled up to the curbside of their house I was in awe. For a few minutes I forgot that I hated big
houses. It was bigger than the pictures showed. As I got my stuff, Nina led me up to my room so I could put my stuff their
before I met the family.
My room had blue walls and white carpet, a king bed with the tempurpedic mattress and blue flower
bedspread, white furniture set and a music stand with magazines on it.
“Nina, I love it. Thank you,” I said and I truly meant it, maybe spending the whole year here won’t be so bad.
“You are very welcome now, you ready to meet the family?” she asked.
“Yeah,”
When I went down the spiral staircase I saw my dad with my step-siblings and half sister.
“Aria, this is Sean and Mia,” Nina said, gesturing to a five foot nine brown haired guy and a shorter version of
him in a girl.
“Hi,” I said, shyly.
“Hey,” they both said.
After an awkward silence, Nina introduced me to Anna-who was the cutest two year old I have ever seen.
“Why don’t you get settled in and then we will start dinner?” Nina said.
“Ok,” I said as I headed up to my room.
As I was finishing unpacking my clothes I heard a faint scream, so I ran downstairs.
“What's going on?!” I asked a little concerned.
“Aria, Nina is going into labor. I'm gonna take her to the hospital and you and Sean are to watch Anna, ok?”
my father asked frantically, as he grabbed a suitcase which I presumed was the suitcase for Nina.
“Yeah, where is everyone?” I asked as I looked around.
“Sean and Mia are at the neighbors and Anna is taking a nap. I will call you as soon as anything starts
happening,” he said heading out the door to a car with Nina already in it.
“Great,” I muttered, as I headed up to Anna’s room.
When I opened the door she woke up and I carried her downstairs and turned on the TV-after five minutes of
searching for the remote.
“Anna, where is the neighbors number, where’s the phone?” I said as I looked around while she watched Dora.
Finally I found a sheet my dad left me with the phone on it. So I called the neighbors.
“Hello, Smith residents,” a lady answered.
“Hi, um, I'm Aria, Sean and Mia’s step-sister. Umm, Nina went into labor they just left for the hospital, so
umm, could you send Sean and Mia back over?” I asked, mumbling.
“Yes, ma’am,” the lady who I presumed was the maid said.
“Thank you,” I said as I hung up.
Within a few minutes Sean and Mia were at the front door asking questions about Nina.
“Is she ok?” Sean asked as Mia asked, “Can we go to the hospital?”
“My dad will notify us when anything starts happening but in the mean time we are in charge of watching
Anna, and I didn’t know if the nursery was fully ready and if it isn’t we could finish getting it ready for the twins.”
“No, the furniture still needs assembled,” Mia told me.
“Why don’t we all work on that and Anna can just watch?”
“Sure,” Mia said as she ran upstairs.
“Thanks,” Sean told me.
“For what?”
“Keeping Mia’s mind off of our mom. So our mom never told us why you got sent out here. Care to share?” he
asked as he led me upstairs, as I carried Anna.
“I told my mom I would give her and her new husband a little time alone so she ships me out here. Are you
here all the time or do you spend time with your dad as well?” I asked.
“My dad died. In a car crash, when I was three. I really never knew him.” He said mumbling.
“I'm so sorry I shouldn’t have asked that. Change of topic-are any of your friends cute?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t rate them. But Cole is coming over later, he is a-” Sean said but got cut off by Mia.
“Are you guys coming?” she yelled down the stairs.
“Yes!” Sean yelled.
When we got to the nursery we started to help Mia set up the furniture, within a few hours we were done.
Right after we finished my dad called and told me we should head to the hospital, the birthing was beginning.
We were in the waiting room playing Never Have I Ever, when my dad came out and told us we have a new half
sister and brother. I was happy to see the look on his face when he told us the news. After he told us we went and saw
Nina with the twins- Lia and Phil.
“Guys meet your new siblings, Lia and Phil!” Nina said as she gestured to where the babies were sleeping in
the cribs the hospital provided.
“They are so cute! Can I hold them?” Mia asked as Sean and I headed over to where the bed Nina was in was
at.
“I know aren’t they? And sure if you want you can all take turns holding them!” Nina said as she rested her
head on my dad’s head, since he was sitting beside her on the bed.
“You want to hold Lia?” I asked Sean, since Mia was already rocking Phil and singing to him.
“No, you can. I'm not good with little kids. I didn’t hold Anna until she was a month and a half old and I only
did because my mom made me.” he said as he moved so I could go hold Lia.
When I picked her up she woke up and I swore she smile-even though babies don’t really smile. She has the
cutest little brown fuzz on her head and the cutest little blue eyes. Phil and her looked identical! It was a good thing they
weren’t both girls or both guys otherwise I think we would have all had a hard time telling them apart.
“I think she likes you,” Nina said gesturing to Lia.
“Thanks, when do you get to bring them home?” I asked as I rocked Lia.
“The doctor said tomorrow! I'm so mad that we didn’t set up the nursery!”
“Mom, Aria had me and Sean finish setting up the nursery for you!” Mia said, putting Phil back in his crib.
“You have only been here for a few hours and you are already making my life easier! Thank you!” Nina said, as
Sean left the room. No one noticed that Sean left except me.
“I'm going to go get a drink from the drink machine does anyone want anything?” I asked.
“No thanks,” my dad said as he took Lia from me.
When I went out I went to look for Sean, who I found sitting in the waiting room…alone.
“Sean?” I asked as I sat down beside him.
“What?” he said looking up.
“You just left there in a hurry, may I ask what’s wrong?”
“Its nothing, I have to head home actually I told Cole to come over and he will be over in like twenty minutes.”
“Your mom just had twins and you’re leaving?”
“Yes, you wanna come with me?” he asked then added, “I'm gonna leave Mia here since her and my mom are
close,”
“Sure let me go tell them I'm leaving, I will meet you out front in the car.”
After I told everyone I was leaving and gave everyone-especially the twins- a kiss goodbye I went out front and
got in the car with Sean.
“So what’s Cole like?” I asked.
“Tall,” he said as he turned on the car and headed onto the road that led to their house.
“That’s it,”
“Yes,”
I could tell that he was in a bad mood so I shut up. I just assumed him and his mom weren’t close since before
he had said that her and Mia were.
When we pulled into the governor’s driveway that led to the big house there was already a car there, which I
presumed was Coles.
“Hey!” a tall, brown haired blue eyed guy said.
“Hey Cole! This is my step-sister Aria. The one that is staying with us for the year.”
“Hey, I'm Cole,” he said as he got out of his convertible and shook his hair out of his eyes.
“I'm Aria,” I said shyly. He reminded me of Zach. With his American Eagle shirt and jeans.
“Aria, we are gonna play Call of Duty, in the basement, and-”
“Can I play? I used to play at home with Zach, please,” I said giving him a puppy dog look.
“Um,” Sean said when Cole cut him off, “Dude let her play,”
“Yes! Thank you!” I said to Cole, as I smiled.
“Lets head downstairs then,” Sean said.
“Cole, you look familiar.” I said, breaking the silence.
“Because he’s a-” but got cut off by Cole, “You wouldn’t know me, I'm just a regular LA guy.”
“Ok, I'm glad not everyone around here is celebrities. They annoy me, I mean do they really need a shirt worth
a few hundred dollars?” I said, noting the look Sean gave Cole.
edited
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Reread it outloud
Some parts go by so quickly, like for example I was reading and jumped a paragraph and Nina is in labour?
Wow slow down a wee bit, labour doesnt happen like that trust me!
And I dont think woman are alowed on plans who are past their seven month of pregnancy?
A little more description, please. Other than that it was wonderful!!
Hi there!
Okay, so I can see that you break your sentences sometimes... And some sentences that could use coma's.
Okay, so that's an example... I'm not going to point them all out, but they're pretty obvious, and easy to correct.
Okay... These are just the ones I saw. I get that it isn't edited, and let's face it everyone makes typos. But this is more punctuation problem. So I would recommend you read it out loud and every time you make a pause, there should be a coma there... It should help with that.
Now let me go on with the plot. It seems like a good plot. There's not much going on here and it's very cliche... But you're a good writer, so I hope you'll figure something out to make it your own story. I also have to agree with the other two that reviewed on this story... It needs more emotions, especially if it's first person point of view. We, readers want to know more about the MC. Is she mad that her mom is shipping her there for such a long time? If so, please emphasize it, because I'm not quiet sure what the MC was feeling throughout this chapter... I'm curious what this story is going to be about, so please write more, but I would recommend that you at least review your chapters before putting them on, because it is kind of disappointing to see all those mistakes. I'm not saying that it has to be perfect. Because that's our job... But you get what I'm trying to say, right?
Okay, I'm done! Keep writing, and PM me if you have anymore questions, or you just want me to review the rest.
-Other One
Agreed with Nike said.
There is nothing in this piece. You need more emotion, more description, more, well everything. It was one of those peices in which there could be something major, but the reader wouldn't bother with reading it.
Just go back and edit it.
I see a lot of potential in your writing, just keep working.
~WickedWOnder
Hi. I read this in a hurry. You should re-read this and edit big time. Sometimes you just made t go too fast and there are no feelings. MORE DESCRIPTION!!!!!! That's it.
Nike