Sight whirls
legs turn to jelly.
Down the throat of a whale
and into the belly
Black swirls
body goes numb,
don't turn your back on the door
just a rule of thumb.
The moon howls,
dawn is near,
the monsters of the night
fall away in fear.
The stop sign glows,
high beams dim,
either way you go
the future is grim.
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Canary word: Present
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139,537 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Sight whirls
legs turn to jelly.---- don't think you need a .
Down the throat of a whale
and into the belly--- good rhyme put in a .
Black swirls
body goes numb,
don't turn your back on the door
just a rule of thumb.
The moon howls,
dawn is near,
the monsters of the night
fall away in fear.--- it would sound better if you take away "away"
The stop sign glows,
high beams dim,
either way you go
the future is grim.
over all it was preety good but it wasn't mind blowing
keep writing
---Jon---
This poems flows very nicely, i like how you brake up your sentences in each line.
I'm not reallh sure i get what its about, but i have some ideas,
Maybe it's susposed to be like that.
PM and tell me about it. K?
Very good. I like the rhyming poems you tend to come up with.
This one part didn't really fit for me. Obviously you have to find a word that rhymes with numb, and you chose thumb. In the beginning you have short little lines then there comes "don't turn your back on the door". It's a bit longer..obviously, but sort-of breaks the rhythm of the poem, maybe it's just me. Also, not a big deal but you wrote "dont turn you back to the door" did you mean you or your?
Anyway...I like your poem a lot.
Keep Writing!
k, first I'm not being literal when i said the moon howls, and high beams are on a car.
i dont really get the concept of this poem, but i guess you do.
overall, its pretty good.