Alas I can not love you

Hey there!

Repetitions - Line length - Tone
I feel this would've worked for the first 2 or 3 lines but it gets too much after that and it's a struggle to read. Its not particularly pleasant to look at neither. Not only this it also creates a problem with varying sentence structure, which your work lacks. The repetition makes it too long. You'd think it would create rhythm? I'd have to disagree, here it destroys any form of rhythm because there's no alteration in tone and it becomes monotonous.

Language & effect
My biggest problem with your language is it isn't original. I can't find any captivating lines that draw me in and give me something I haven't read. This means it begins to lack effect. I have to admit it's also a little cliche and like Mizzle suggested give us some metaphors and something we can paint in our minds. Go crazy and be colourful. Wrench my heart out or give me a finishing blow, yes?

Fluency, rhythm and rhyme
Your rhyming pattern is a little boring and because it's followed religiously there's no rebellion of language which can define a great poet. Also you've punctuated every ending with a full stop (or "period") and this is an incredibly damaging thing for your poem's fluency. it makes it even more monotonous. So be careful with it. Rebel!

Meaning
Okay I guess it's quite explicit. It appears to be a narration of your emotions, but because there is little emotion portrayed I can't associate with it and therefore I can't interpret a meaning anywhere beyond the idea that a character in a poem is narrating that they can't love someone anymore - documentary style. We need colourful language, imagery, tone and character to decipher a meaning. Give us some!

Start/end
Okay I didn't particularly enjoy the start because it didn't offer me that hook that draws a reader in. You need to put everything into this so the reader can feel what you've got. However, I did enjoy your ending as I felt it gave a little push of impact so well done.

Hope this helps you improve,
Ben

Okay, so I really like Tiff's (^^OverEasy) idea. That much repetition gets annoying, so cut it down like she suggested. She's also right again though--this has all been used. All of it. It's very cliche. But, you could have executed so I didn't think that so much. You could have used metaphors, surroundings, etc. You need to make us feel, feel for this person.
Listen to Tiff. She's a genius. ^^
Tata, now, and have a nice day.
-Mizz

First Impressions
The main problem that I have with the piece is the repetition of the initial line. I realize that you did it on purpose, but in the long run it's just a bit too much. Even if you broke it down into different stanzas, it might work better:

Alas I can not love you,
though your heart holds me tight.
though I dream of you every night.
thought you cut me to the quick
this love thing makes me sick.