z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

was he awake?

by himu034


It was one of the hotter nights. The first time he visits my room; the power cut had to happen. Fucking perfect.

He suggested we take the mattresses out, on the terrace, and sleep under the sky. “I have never done that”, I said. “I don’t lock my door even though, but I have never slept out. Something feels naked inside me, if I sleep out. Not that the other buildings are tall enough to overlook the terrace, but the sky… makes me naked inside out. Something that’s so vast and undefined, I seem like a child… naked to my soul, I cannot lie to it, the sky watches over me. I wanted to be an astronaut while growing up, can you believe that? I always was fascinated with everything that happens there. Every star that moves, even the clouds…. You must think I am weird or at least wired wrong. But I have always thought, one of those stars was my guardian angel… one at least. But I don’t know who; which one, so I look at all of them. I hope a ray appears out of one of them, and takes me away, away, away from this, all this. Dad’s wish to make his son an Engineer changed the career, but not the dreams… I don’t know why I am telling you all this. Sorry for talking so much. I… just … sorry dude”

All that he said, apart from the slight smile from his lips, was “I don’t mind you baring it all; all your thoughts”.

Why does one sentence, uttered by the same person; means so vastly different, when said to different people. The time he took between the two ‘all’; did something. I don’t know what he meant when he said that… but I suddenly went pale first, and then changed to pink, and then there was suddenly nothing I could concentrate on the whole night.

I could not have slept lesser, if I had pneumonia; than I did that night… 


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Points: 184
Reviews: 3

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Fri Apr 07, 2017 7:20 am
pixelstick wrote a review...



I really like this! It's a pretty interesting concept, and I like the main character's inner monologue, however, there are some problems. First of all, the use of semicolons. You tend to use them as a substitute for commas, instead of as a way to connect two clauses. "The time he took between the two ‘all’; did something." should be "The time he took between the two all, did something." Also, some of the dialogue is a bit clunky, try to use more contractions instead of did not or do not. But other than that, it's great!




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14 Reviews


Points: 738
Reviews: 14

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Wed Apr 05, 2017 1:57 pm
VictoriaAnderson1230 wrote a review...



A minor mistake in this sentence -I don’t lock my door even though, but I have never slept out-

I found it interesting though the "sorry dude" threw me off a bit as it seemed so out of place compared to everything else that was said. Your character seems to be a really deep thinker and a person of high imagination and superstitious beliefs. It works int he favor of sending your reader into a relaxed state. I wish you wrote more this is a really good piece and if it is a little part of a larger story I would love to know.

I noticed some grammatical errors but nothing that can't be changed with a little bit of help. 9/10

Great job and really interesting read :)





Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury