the cold crisp air around us
as we snuggle under a blanket,
we keep close holding each other tightly,
trying to keep our hearts beating as one.
I look at you and tenderly kiss your lips.
the feeling of heaven washes though me.
I feel so close to it, it won't float away.
The warmth of love fills my empty soul.
We feed on our love
its what makes us want
to live the next day.
our love is strong.
Nothing can take you away
until that one day
where she walked in
and your gone with her.
after everything i gave you
everything you took
you broke my heart
and took my life
now i'm laying
in the coffin
looking up at you
from under the ground.
everyone around me
is crying hard
but you are the one
that has no heart.
you are the only one
that doesn't morn my death
you are the only one
who has my heart
no one else matter
but you to me
i was just a batter
that got a three.
how i ran around
playing your game.
seeing who you are now
just makes me wonder.
Did you really love me at all
was it really love?
did you really care
or was i just a coverup?
I was the prom queen.
you were the quarterback
i was happy.
now i'm dead.
you took everything from me
and didn't give it back
i wish i wasn't so stupid
why did i go back?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hand me a bucket! I'm sorry but if you want to progress as a writer, then you have to get rid of this shit. I read it and I could just tell a fifteen year old girl wrote it. Its too sickly and droopy. I mean come on prom queen, quarterback? This thing screams cliche! Do not give in yet though. This poem let you down but you have got talent. Write what speaks to you and what gives you that "it" feeling. To become successful give us something new and different. Try your absolute hardest to be creative and you will succeed. I'm not there yet, I'm far from it but try. For god sakes this girl in the poem has been fucked around by this guy at least do her some justice by writing her into a good poem. PM me when you have something better.
good luck you can do it!
m
So, hello there Hidden.
To tell you the truth, I read the first stanza and stopped there for a moment. I simply skimmed the rest.
I groaned inwardly and decided to simply tell you that this kind of poem does not do well.
Isn't that just a generic mouthful (with bad capitalization, I may add. 'I' not 'i')
Prom queen + Quarterback + something going wrong
Don't you think you could of stretched your imagination just a little bit? Maybe putting more thought into your poetry may make it slightly more successful.
Good luck,
Kamas