There once lived a girl you'd never see in a magazine, a girl who you might find on any bus on any street in any city. She wore her ordinary hair chopped off at the usual length, and her eyes didn’t sparkle or shine in any particular way. She didn’t light up a room or turn sunshine into rain, she was simple and ordinary and rather plain. She fell In love with a boy who was just as simple as her, but in her eyes he must’ve created the whole wide world. His tall lanky stature turned into the body of a greek god and he could make any stone hearted gal faint with the slightest nod. He must have been tricked, or drunken, or bribed to fall in love with this girl because it was quite a surprise. She promised to herself after she had already made many mistakes, that she wasn’t going to ruin this relationship not in any which way. She loved him, she loved him with all her heart, she was convinced that without him she would fall apart. To this very day she keeps a wish under her breath, a promise she has pinky sworn to herself. To marry that boy that lit up the night sky, and to have and to hold until she would die.
This is a poem, right? I know YWS messing up the spacing and everything, but there aren't any capitals or anything. I like it, it was beautiful. But you just need to figure out the spacing and maybe more periods and commas.
I agree with Renn, it needs to be in poetry form if it's a poem! It is pretty though. You just kinda need to figure out what you wanna do with this and kinda adjust it accordingly, make it more poem like, turn it into a story...there's so many options. I saw one thing:
This:
that she wasn’t going to ruin this relationship not in any which way.
Should have a coma:
that she wasn’t going to ruin this relationship, not in any which way.
Anyways so this is pretty good just figure out what you wanna do with it!
I feel like I should be a lot more affected by this than I am. It's a good (if not well-worn) topic, but with the unique twist that they really are just ordinary people except to each other. I like that. You've got to make something like that shine.
I get the feeling that this is poetry. And if it IS poetry, people should know that right off the bat. It would be a lot more... not 'deep' necessarily, but more touching if it were in stanzas or at least in separate lines. I makes it easier to read, as I tended to lose my spot and it took away from the enjoyment.
The only grammar critique I have is that the "in" for "In love" should be a lower case 'i.' That's it.
I did enjoy this, and would like to see its finished product!
- Renn