Winter murder...

Hey there! Just vva here with a friendly review! But before we get into that, I'm so glad to see such a new member already posting on the forum. Welcome, and I hope you like it! Let's get into the review then, now, huh? Yeah!

The bright moon illuminated the road that she walked across, her boots were soaked from the cold snow and her ears and cheeks were a bright pink. The young girl was never too fond of walking in the middle of winter, but in this case she was forced to make an exception.

Alright, alright. This is a fine introduction. It sets up your story nicely and it's pretty good place to start at. I've only got two nitpicks! Number one:

The young girl was never too fond of walking in the middle of winter, but in this case she was forced to make an exception.

There should be a comma after the word 'case'.

Secondly, it's implied here that the reason her ears and cheeks are a bright pink is because it's cold out, you even go on to just tell us that it is winter:

The young girl was never too fond of walking in the middle of winter,

But, once it's mentioned, it's just sort of let go of. In fact, it feels as though the only reason it is winter is to further convenience of her slipping on the ice on the next paragraph, but the fact that it is winter no longer comes up later in the story. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if the word 'Winter' wasn't in the title, but since it is, we're lead to believe that the fact that it is winter will play a major role in the story.

She followed the snow covered road and eventually made it to the parking lot, relief drew upon her face at the thought of being inside and warm.

I liked this. I've felt that relief of being somewhere really cold and feeling relief once entering a warmer spot. It's a nice attention to detail and made me relate more with Alice, made her seem more real.

She could see the hospital in front of the parking lot.

I've got some concerns about this. See, it's never explained why exactly she's going to the hospital. Is it to see someone? Does she work there?

when her feet slipped on hard ice.

Hmm... see, your feet wouldn't slip on ice. You'd slip on ice. That is unless, you cut off your feet and slide 'em down a slippery patch, but I don't think that's what was meant here.

"God, I'm clumsy" she whispered as she started to get up.

I visualize someone saying 'Crap' as they fall down, but I wouldn't see them calling themselves clumsy. It wasn't very necessary. See, if she fell
then it's established that she's clumsy and we don't need to be reminded.

Also! Don't forget your punctuation!

She stood up slowly and proceeded to carefully head to the entrance

I thought this was also clever attention to detail. I appreciated this, it would have been kind of silly if she'd just kept running, and most people tend to slow down after a hit. Well done here!

She jumped at the sound of whatever-had-made-that-sound cry again,

The hyphens used here aren't necessary. They're not incorrect, but they are distracting. Just personal preference. Also, in the future, you might want to watch out and try not to use the same word in a sentence twice!

"i'm over here!" The voice called.

Watch out for capitalization mistakes too! Don't sweat it too much, though, happens to the best of us.

an elderly voice replied, the girl looked at a trash can to see an elderly woman sitting next to it.

Here's another instance where the same word is used in one sentence. Try not to be too obvious, once it's established that a character is old or young, we won't need to be reminded very much. You also don't need a comma after the word replied.

"I was mugged, when they saw I had no money they stabbed me," she croaked back.

This didn't make too much sense to me, you'd think that if they were going to stab her, they'd just finish her off, right?

I'm surprised you haven't passed out from blood loss yet!"

This I also felt was a bit odd. You wouldn't go up to a bleeding old lady and go "Woah! Can't believe you haven't passed out yet!" This doesn't mean that you shouldn't include it in the story, but you're going to include it, it'd make more sense to show us and not tell us. The show, don't tell rule can be helpful in situations like this.

"Alice Murphy," the girl replied. The two began to head to the hospital, the younger guiding the older. The old woman nodded, "I'm sorry," she said.

I like the way the main characters' name is introduced. It feels right, and the moment in which her name is introduced feels like the perfect moment to introduce it. Not too late in the story, but not too soon either. Congrats on that! I also thought she had a really pretty name.

"For this!" The woman yelled as she took a knife from her pocket and stabbed it into Alice's upper chest, a scream escaped from the youngers mouth as she older continued to stab her over and over again.

Now, this, seemed really sudden. It just didn't make very much sense to me. The woman was gushing blood herself, and she was really old, so it probably would have been a lot harder to stab Alice than as described in here. And we've also already forgotten about the hospital. In fact, it didn't really play much of a roll since this could have happened anywhere. I also didn't feel attached enough to Alice, so it felt rather early to kill her off. The only thing I really gathered about her was that she was clumsy. Also, they're in front of a hospital -- didn't anyone see 'em?

"Sorry," the elderly woman whispered as she too sank to her knees, pressing her mouth to the girls throat, gulping down fresh blood.

See, when you don't let your audience really take the time to attach themselves to your character, there aren't many stakes at risk. Losing the main character isn't much of a stake when the character is freshly introduced.

I wanted to know more about Alice. What she was like, what she did in her free time and feel more connected to her. You can kill off a character, but first, it's important to develop one properly.

The woman also didn't seem to have very much motive and there was no ominous factor about her. I might have been able to really enjoy the killing, but it seemed to come out of nowhere. It didn't have the proper build to give me the creeps. Killing doesn't equate to scary.

Overall, I can see that you definitely have the ability to make people relate to characters by mentioning small details that are realistic and make those characters come to life. You capture the small, unnoticed things -- a great ability and your story was fine apart from some logic flaws and pacing concerns so don't stop writing since you've got what it takes. Keep the stories comin' and welcome to YWS!