I Write Sins Not Tragedies (Panic at the disco)
Oh, well imagine
As I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor
And I can't help but to hear
No, I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words
Me: Who are you?
What a beautiful wedding
Me: Thank you the designers put in lots of work.
What a beautiful wedding, says a bridesmaid to a waiter
And, yes, but what a shame
What a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore
Me: Excuse me?
I chime in with a
Haven't you ever heard of closing a goddamn door?
Me: Actually the door was already closed and no one really invited you so please leave.
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality
Me: These kinds of things don't normally happen at a wedding, now please leave.
I chime in
Haven't you ever heard of closing a goddamn door?
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of
Me: Who even invited these people frank? Are they your cousins or what?
Hello (Adele)
Hello
Me: Hi who is this?
it's me
Me: For the last time Adele, stop calling me I know you're sad we broke up, but-
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
Me: I saw you yesterday.
To go over everything
Me: Look I told you there's nothing to go over, I'm just not ready for a relationship.
They say that time's supposed to heal ya
But I ain't done much healing
Me: I'm sorry to hear that, but you will eventually move on. We can still be friends
Hello, can you hear me?
Me: Hold on I think the connection is bad one sec, where are you?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
Me: Look I know you miss the good days, but I like us better as friends.
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet
Me: You're just being overdramatic.
Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
Me: first of all why are you suddenly shouting? and yea you really have.
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Me: You didn't do anything and maybe if you called my cell instead of my home phone you-
Hello from the outside
Me: Are you at my house?
At least I can say that I've tried
Me: Yes we tried and look were it got us.
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
Me: I told you it's not your fault.
But it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore
Me: Now you are just being an ass
*hangs up phone*
Look What You Made Me Do (Taylor Swift)
I don't like your little games
Don't like your tilted stage
The role you made me play
Of the fool, no, I don't like you
Me: Wow first off, what games? Second, who do you think you are coming in here? I barely know you.
I don't like your perfect crime
How you laugh when you lie
You said the gun was mine
Me: What crime? I have never owned a gun in my life.
Isn't cool, no, I don't like you (oh!)
Me: Well I'm starting to REALLY dislike you
But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
Me: Wait what? Are you a zombie now?
I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined
Me: Death note?
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!
Me: Oh so now your Santa?
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me
Me: I didn't make you do anything and this conversation is over.
Black cat (Mayday parade)
Close up camera one
The hero sings in this scene
Me: We already filmed that part, what about the luke dude and that chick, what happens with them?
The boy that gets the girl gets to go home where they get married
Me: alright, action!!
But stop the tape,
Me: cut!! What now?
The sunset still looks fake to me
Me: That's because we have to edit in the rest
The hero looks like he can't breathe
The damsel just left everything
Me: Okay well if you think they need to take a break then we can.
You're like a black cat with a black backpack full of fireworks
And you're gonna burn the city down right now
Whoa whoa
Me: Are you saying I’m being difficult? Also, we are not tearing down the set again.
Friends (Marshmello & Anne-Marie)
Me: Hey Anne look, I know we have been friends for a really long time, but I love you and I think we should be together.
You say you love me, I say you crazy
We're nothing more than friends
Me: That's the things we know so much about each other and we just click and if we dated I think-
You're not my lover, more like a brother
I known you since we were like ten, yeah
Me: Anne, please.
Don't mess it up, talking that shit
Only gonna push me away, that's it!
Me: I can't help these feelings, just give me a chance.
When you say you love me, that make me crazy
Here we go again
Me: *Cries*
Don't go look at me with that look in your eye
You really ain't going away without a fight
Me: your right I’m not.
You can't be reasoned with, I'm done being polite
I've told you one, two, three, four, five, six thousand times
Me: look all those guys you date are assholes, I could treat you so much better.
Haven't I made it obvious?
Haven't I made it clear?
Want me to spell it out for you?
F-R-I-EN-D-S
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hiya, heyguysitnicole! Pan dropping in to fry up a quick review.
First, I think this is a really neat concept - it's not something I've seen on YWS before and I really applaud your originality. I feel like the effect is slightly hampered by the fact that you go through multiple songs; I'd prefer that each song (together with the comedic interruptions) was presented as a standalone piece. I think that would stop them from blurring together so much.
I'm not going to focus much on grammar as it's a relatively minor issue, but there were a handful of hiccups throughout. I noticed that you used 'your' rather than 'you're' at one point, and you have a tendency to miss out capital letters and commas. I get that this is a comedy piece and that corrupting graphology can really help with humour, but keep it consistent. If the entire thing was written in internet-style prose, I wouldn't mind. However, as it's mostly in Standard English, conform towards that. A halfway house just makes for a bumpy reading experience.
So, onto my main thoughts about the piece. My favourite part was definitely the bit with 'Hello', as I liked how you took what is a one-sided conversation and inserted a lot of mundane, quite funny responses between the lyrics - it comes off like she's really trying to sing but you just keep butting in. I love the bit where you say 'are you at my house?'
The other songs I didn't think were quite as successful for me. It mostly just felt like you were making aimless comments in response to the lyrics, not really toying with our expectations or making notable jokes out of them. There were some highlights - I like 'so now you're Santa?' - but there didn't seem to be a great deal of variation in the quips overall, so I got a little restless reading through it.
I'm not a comedy writer. I think it's possibly the hardest genre to pull off, because you really cannot fall prey to clichés. When you see the joke coming, it almost always falls flat. That's why I admire you for tackling it. I think the main thing to take away from this is that the concept and idea is really good. What you need to work on is making the interruptions feel less like random comments and more like actual jokes, things that nobody else would think of.
Which is easier said than done, but stick at it. Everything takes a few drafts to find its feet.
I hope this helped! If there's anything I was unclear about or if you want some more feedback on something, please let me know!
Keep writing!
~Pan
Woah, is this a collection of song lyrics? And you respond to them! Niiiice. I haven't seen this before (but i haven't seen much since I'm relatively new, but whatever.)
Is Frank a person? Because if he is, you need to capitalize his name. There are other tidbits I think you can correct on your own, like the fact that you're missing commas, capitalization, or periods, or proper punctuation.
I'm glad you sourced the songs you were writing from, because if you didn't, people in the comment section could get triggered about copyright. And maybe the copyright holders might too - Who knows.
Because this piece isn't entirely original, I won't be discussing the content but how you played it out.
The plot seems to be dominated by song lyrics coming and going, and the conversation between you and the songwriter seems to drift from place to place. It might just be me, but I can't put my finger on a definable conflict other than simple disagreement between the two "characters".
I reread this sentence a few times, but I can't pinpoint the meaning of this. Maybe you could rewrite it for clarity.
Overall, I think this piece was cute and enjoyable to read. With a few adjustments, this style of yours and your unique voice could go somewhere.
Thanks for putting Marshmello's Friends in here, it's a fave of mine!!-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any unhelpful comments.)