Dead, But Not Gone

this is really intense.

hershey,

I'm very eager to see where this will go.

I do agree, you should expand the chapters if you want to separate them this way. Parts of it were too conversational for my liking, like the 'Yes, you heard correctly' part. And the family's reactions were a little over the top, I mean, if my cousin fainted I wouldn't be crying.... Or if you just wanted to emphasize that fainting during the Grandfather's funeral was just too stressful for them, you may want to indicate that.

The last part was really good! I'm looking forward to this being continued!

~Dommy

I was in two minds about this. It was interesting, and could make a good story.
But its all a bit confusing. What happened to her parents? Why did her Mum never get the chance to explain? Perhaps you could elaborate on this?
Also, when she faints, theres a bit of an over reaction- her family crying, screaming and yelling just because she fainted? Myabe you should tone this down a bit.
Last thing, when shes seeing her Grandad in hospital, and hes obviously ill, and in distress, why doesn't she want it to stop? I know that she wants to see him because hes dead but seeing a loved one in distress isn't nice. Its extreamly upsetting, and you wish that you didn't have to see them suffering. So maybe cut out the 'all too soon' part, because that sounds like she wants to see her Grandad in pain!
Good story though

Chapter 1

Have you ever gotten a headache?
Probably.
Have you ever gotten an “oh my God this hurts so bad I just want to die” type of headache?
Probably not. But I have, once. I liked this first bit, you got me very interested (:
It was the first time a ghost showed me how they died.
Yes, you heard correctly.
I’ve been able to see ghosts ever since I was nine years old,new sentence at my grandpa’s funeral.make this a part of the next sentence When I walked into the room, I saw his body, cold and lifeless, in the casket. I also saw him standing next to the casket in a hospital gown. He turned, (the ghost, not the body) saw me looking at him, smiled, and walked over. I looked around the room, noticing that no one else could see the ghost. He walked up next to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I agree with Antares, the girl seems very accepting of this, was sort of weird to me >.<
That’s when it happened.
My head felt like it exploded. I seriously thought I was going to die. That’s a little ironic, dying in a funeral home.What's a funeral home? it's probably just me being stupid When I couldn’t handle the pain anymore, I fainted. You make this sound like it was her choice to faint :/ Surely her body just fainted by itself
I immediately appeared in a hospital room, standing next to Grandpa. It felt like a dream, but I knew it was more. It was Grandpa’s memory. I looked at the bed in the middle of the room and saw him laying in it, looking like a skeleton wrapped tightly in skin. I could see every one of his ribs. His breathing was so faint, I could barely hear it. All too soon, it stopped. I think this bit should go somewhere, it seems sort of un-meaningful at the moment :/

Chapter 2

I woke up.
I was on the floor of the funeral home, clutching my head and covered in cold sweat. Everybody was talking at once. My mom was yelling “Back up, give her room to breathe!” My dad whipped out his cell phone and called 911. Aunts were screaming, uncles were stuttering, not knowing what to do, and cousins were crying.I liked this description of all the different relatives, it reminds the reader again of the setting (: I sat up and screamed “PEOPLE, I’M FINE!”
SoBut instead of So perhaps of course no one believed me.
One ambulance ride later this bit made me laugh, I asked my mom if she believed in ghosts.
“That’s what happened?” She seemed relieved. “I was wondering when you would start. My powers kicked in when I was six.”
This was not the answer I expected.
“What????over use of question marks maybe:P” I asked.
She calmly said “Yes, I can see ghosts.”
“Did you see Grandpa today?”
“Are you sure you’re feeling all right?” Mom asked loudly. I was confused, but then I saw my dad walk in. “Yes, Mom, I’m fine. Can I talk to you in my room for a minute?”
As soon as the door was shut, I asked “Dad doesn’t know, does he?”
Her face fell. “No, he doesn’t. I want to tell him, but I just don’t know whenare you sure you didn't mean how here :/.”
Turns out, she never got the chance. I know you go onto explain, but it's not for another few sentences, and that kinda confused me maybe explain what ahppend to her parents?

Chapter 3

So here I am. Kayla Williams, thirteen year old ghost seer.
And I’m an orphan. My parents are dead and gone.
Well, they’re dead.
But not gone.
My parent’s ghosts are still here, haunting me.

Just so you know, it's a general 'rule' that you give two reviews before you submit something. Anyways, on with the review.

Yes, you heard correctly.

I’ve been able to see ghosts ever since I was nine years old, at my grandpa’s funeral. When I walked into the room, I saw his body, cold and lifeless, in the casket. I also saw him standing next to the casket in a hospital gown. He turned, [s](the ghost, not the body)[/s] saw me looking at him, smiled, and walked over. I looked around the room, noticing that no one else [s]could see the ghost[/s] seemed to see him. He walked up next to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

My head felt like it exploded. I [s]seriously[/s] thought I was going to die. That’s a little ironic, dying in a funeral home. When I couldn’t handle the pain anymore, I fainted.

I immediately appeared in a hospital room, standing next to Grandpa. It felt like a dream, but I knew it was more. It was Grandpa’s memory. I looked at the bed in the middle of the room and saw him laying in it, looking like a skeleton wrapped tightly in skin. I could see every one of his ribs. His breathing was so faint, I could barely hear it. All too soon, it stopped.

I was on the floor of the funeral home, clutching my head and covered in cold sweat. Everybody was talking at once. My mom was yelling, “back up, give her room to breathe!” My dad whipped out his cell phone and called 911. Aunts were screaming, uncles were stuttering, not knowing what to do, and cousins were crying. I sat up and screamed, “PEOPLE, I’M FINE!”

So of course no one believed me.

One ambulance ride later, I asked my mom if she believed in ghosts.
“That’s what happened?” She seemed relieved. “I was wondering when you would start. My powers kicked in when I was six.”
This was not the answer I expected.
“What????” I asked.
She calmly said “Yes, I can see ghosts.”
“Did you see Grandpa today?”
“Are you sure you’re feeling all right?” Mom asked loudly. I was confused, but then I saw my dad walk in. “Yes, Mom, I’m fine. Can I talk to you in my room for a minute?”
As soon as the door was shut, I asked “Dad doesn’t know, does he?”
Her face fell. “No, he doesn’t. I want to tell him, but I just don’t know when.”
Turns out, she never got the chance.

So here I am. Kayla Williams, thirteen year old ghost seer.
And I’m an orphan. My parents are dead and gone.
Well, they’re dead.
But not gone.
My parent’s ghosts are still here, haunting me.