Chapter One // Goodbye, Old Me
The rain turned the dry grass into a river of mud and twigs. Water pours from above. The sky isn't just gray but pinkish due to the sun setting. The wind blows the water into the eyes of the victims of the rain. I stand there staring into nothingness. Many walk by staring at me staring. Wondering why I am sitting unprotected from the water falling from the sky. Little do they know my life gets more impacted every day by choices.
Done.
That word describes me so much right now. I amdone with choice and change that I use to enjoy. Done with the big picture and how little things can change I am done with sitting in the rain, my eyes matching the dripping. My little choices change so much. Similar to how one little flame can burn down an enormous building. Change is good I think repetitively. Change is good. Change is bad. I finally land on that uses to be good, but just like my opinion on the change, it changed.
The rain lightens and I go on another walk away from my current thinking place on a bench. It must have been a while that I've been using that place to think because the spot where I sat was lighter than the rest of the bench. I only look down at my feet, my stupid feet. I can only look down. Just today, not tomorrow, the change starts tomorrow. The choice I already made that is deciding my tomorrow and the rest of my life. I chose this and I want it. Thinking is what messes everything up whether it's over or under, either is the wrong thinking. It's hard being stuck in a mind full of thoughts. Me deciding to leave this here, this feeling is the bigger choice, then what is truly going on.
I am allowed to be upset, I guess. Leaving these feeling here is going to be hard, I am leaving so much. Not only the feelings but the person, the things, the beginning, tomorrow isthe ending. I just want to scream, so I do in the middle of a park trickling with people. For the rain has stopped now this leaving the sky with just the pinks. I am staring again not at only me, but everyone hypnotized by the light shades of red and my screaming.
I finally I stop being a bum on my own life. I walk thinking, Go home. Go home. Go home now. Go home already. I think about going to someone else's house, but instead, I decide don't think. Then my eyes start to water and the leaves on the ground turn into a mush of color. I walk faster and faster. My boots crush leaves as my feet seem to be bionic as they run faster and faster. Head down as I'm crushing leaves with eyes watering. I only get home when the reds turned deeper till it was black and darker parts gets specks of white.
Yes, that's how pathetic I am. Running through the rain crying.
"Home sweet home," I mumble to myself as I sit on the moist lawn. Why am I so upset? This my decision. Not anyone else's thriving dream it's my dream. The thing that seems to make me feels as if an elephant is sitting on my chest. What I thought was the big change when I was younger what I thought was fun was only small. This is substantial change!
My shaken crying body rest as my eyes start to flutter shut till my world went black. My eyes open when I realize I woke up to the sunrise and dew on my body. I walk into the house as the warm heat hits my frozen toes I realize how cold I was. My family is most likely asleep for its too early for anyone sane. I creep up the stairs as I change out of my not so comfortable clothes; I quickly grab pajamas then slide into my warm cozy bed. My eyes slowly close as my mind keeps going but, my body asleep.
My eyes fly open to a strong scent of bacon and a knock on my door. “Breakfast is ready, Iris!" Mom muttered trying to see if I was up. I perk up and scramble myself downstairs, without disappointment the food was made. Aiden, my brother whose pale eyes reflect that he had never been to sleep that night, mine probably matching as he sits dazed. Next thing I know I was scarfing down the bacon as if there was no tomorrow. I plump into the seat to his right and start chowing down on the french toast.
"You ready to go?” asked Aiden, in his pre-teen squeaking voice as bacon sticks out of his mouth.
"I guess..." I drifted getting quieter as I talked realizing my world is about to change. No more bacon and french toastbreakfast from my family.
I heard the squeaky floor board near Tillie's room make a loud noise. She's up. She is never up before noon; the alarm must have been earlier due to this different day. She comes down the stairs with heavy feet. She snatches bacon off Aiden's plate and grabs a French toast off of mine then smacks it on a crisp clean plate straight from the dishwasher. Humming she pours three cups of coffee. She is always singing, thank goodness she is okay sounding or I would be deaf by now. Mom comes down the stairs and grabs two of the mugs sitting one in front of me and one in front of "her" claimed seat.We eat the breakfast in peace and conversation about coming adventuresand the wonderful past. Things are about to change for everyone.
Done .
That word again. I think as the last of my French toast has disappeared. . Thinking of the night before, I go on with usually routine clearing my plate. I sneak away into my room. It doesn't look the same everything packed away in brown cubes. A single suitcase full of my favorite clothes lies on my unmade bed. I lieback down and stare at the bare yet colorful empty wall. The wall that was full of photos of the captured memories. Much full of my friends, who all have already left. Missing them, I glimpse at my phone. Nothing. Their adventures have started and they forget. I pack away my bed covers and tape the small box. Breathing and thinking. Now I think I'm ready. My adventure is a one farther than anyone else's, but I know it's going to be the largest and most spectacular.
"Iris!!Where is my shirt? The one with the lace sleeves I wore on my birthday, that you just love," snares Tillie.
"Maybe it’s in your closet Thalia!" I scream in response.
"First off don't call me Thalia, that's not my name! Are you positive it not in one of those million boxes in my room?"
“It’s not your room!!I checked twice, it’s not in here!" I lie in response as I fold up the shirt and put it in the box marked with sharpie saying clothes across the top.
"It’s about to be" Tillie chuckles.
"Shut up!!" Aiden screams.
"NO!" Tillie and I shout in unison and laugh.
“Twenty Minutes till we need to put Iris' stuff in the truck and leave!" My mom hollers trying to out scream her unique children.
I put all my boxes in a neat pile by our front entrance. Then I sit; just sit on couch of emotions. I just smile, but my insides are dying of nervousness and shaking at the same time of excitement. That feeling that you're floating yet crashing into a wall at 56 miles per hour at the same. The same feeling when you go down a hill in a car, that one.Those twenty minutes passed so quickly. My mom came bursting down the stairs as my feeling sucked back into me.
“Everyone it’s time pack up the truck!" Mom yells with authority.
“Ughfine, “mumbles Tillie trying to seem annoyed, but you can tell she wants to help
“Coming...Just need to finish this in the middle of COD!"Aiden yells.
“What even ... Just coming help your sister!" Mom says confused in response. Aiden comes running down the stairs breathing words under his breath he shouldn't say.
I grab a box and start filling up the back of my family’struck. Each box seems heavier and heavier as my arms get weaker and weaker. We finally put the last box into the overloaded truck.
“Let’s get into the car, you sure you have everything, Iris," my mom says with more caring in her tone.
“Yeah checked twice...." I mutter as my voice starts to become like a frog.
" I am going to miss you so much, you don't even understand," mom said same frog tone. We hug as silent tears roll down our faces.
“You’re just going to exclude me from the last all together family hugbefore Iris leaves I don't think so," Tillie shouts, runs and smothers me and me into a tighter hug.
“Where’s Aiden?" Mom says as Aiden comes out of the house with a suitcase and slowly backs back into the house as he sees the hug.
“Comehere!" I yell with anger laughter and tears in my voice. As Aiden slowly join the hug with a smile but a sluggish body. We all laugh and our frog voices increase.
We finally stopped the long frog hug and hop in the car. As we all recollect our emotions short car ride ends. We park in the area marked ' 20 minutes or less' I grab my suitcase from the back of the truck. We start to head towards the airport each person with one of my bags in their hands all of us. As we all synchronize our walking and breathing to make sure no one goes an emotional rollercoaster just walking.
We finally get into the airport and walk into a line to get my bags processed. “I can't believe you are actually leaving!" mumbled Tillie sparking conversation.
“It’sgoing to be weird without you “continue Aiden with a pathetic look on his face.
“I know, I am going to miss you guys so much! All the changes are stressing me out, but I am really excited about this adventure."
“We are next ..." My mom croaked trying to seem emotionless.
We get through all the classic airport procedures till my family can't continue with me. In my head I want to scream, cry, and yell for my mom to come with me.I know I can't do that because apparently I am an adult and that won't is on the list of things preferred to do. There is also a part that wants to go so bad and just runs onto that plane. As we all reach what we know is our final goodbyes for a while. We all let out a cough trying to make the frogs in our throats jump
“So this is goodbye.... Bye Iris ...I guess I love you," Aiden squeaks and surprisingly hugs me first and does think about being a cool pre-teen anymore. Then he sinks back and tries to hide that he is upset.
“Goodbye, Daughter “My mom smiles.
“Goodbye, Mother," I smile as we hug and cry on each other’s shoulders for a good minute and a half.
The last goodbye I knew was going to be the hardest. Tillie and I are only a year apart and have always been close she is my biggest cheerleader. The one that I knew was going to be the biggest change in my life. I don't even say I word I just hug her.We both sway back and forth on our feet and just cry whilehugging .My emotions all over the pace and some for all reasons after what feels like hours past of hugging we separate.“Bye, Till. Thanks for the top by the way," I laugh.
“ByeIris. Thanks for the room, “smiles Tillie laugh as tears stream down her face.
“Love you guys"
“Love you too,” they all say in response as I walk away knowing these next four years are going to be an adventure.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Hello.
First off, I would suggest giving this a proofreading, and running it through spell check. You have multiple places where words string together (staring at me right at the bottom is "ByeIris"), which spell check would catch. Next up would be proofing to make sure all your tenses are in order. You switch between past and present rather frequently in here, which is jarring to the reader.
This piece is very introspective, which makes it relatable in one sense but fairly dull in another. It doesn't help you drag on what the actual anxiety is beyond the point of curiosity, into almost maddening territory. For the start of a story, you're not giving us enough to really get a sense of what's going on.
It helps there's no context for this— is she going to university? High school? A risky acting school? Decided to take her life? Right now, it could be anything. All I'm reading is that she's depressed, she's decided something important, and she's conflicted. That's not enough to carry a story.
I know that's hard to hear, but that's my impression of the work right now. You've got something that could be really awesome and is obviously relatable from the comments under mine, but for me it lacks tension. It lacks a purpose. One rule of fiction I heard and began using was "don't leave your character alone for too long." It sounds odd, especially because introspection is so much of character voice, but pure introspection ends up as something that gets repetitive.
Introspection has a time and place, and you might be able to get a stronger hook if you provide the context I mentioned is lacking. If we know what she was thinking of, what she was worried about, then this would ground all her worries. Right now she's worried for an unidentified reason, making me think 'why should I care?' This isn't a question readers like asking.
Overall, this needs something more solid to it. I can understand the feelings in here, and I can see how it's relatable, but without that solidity of context and true tension, it falls flat.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hey there!
I found this a rather great read, especially in how I could relate to the character in their constant hesitance and unexplained sadness that I myself have felt when confronted with the idea of a drastic change!
Therefore, I decided to review it, in spite of this being my first one here, on the Young Writers' Society!
The fashion I am adopting is one where I quote the specific section of your writing which I am dealing with, while perhaps including thoughts about your story as a whole as I go!
So, here goes! :3
I found the way you set up the scene here fantastic! The morose, thoughtful tone here is accentuated by your use of short sentences especially too, I believe!
The wordplay of 'Many walk by staring at me staring', is one such thing that stands out, and how rather than use a conjunction where you very well could have (seeing as the following sentence is related in substance with this one) you ending the sentence before beginning the next really gives us an insight into how the protagonist's thought process is right now, which I must say is quite well done!
At this point I am sure you are aware of there being certain discrepancies in grammar, something apparently throughout the story, but really these could be easily fixed if one as capable as you decided to give this piece another read and edit them out, so I won't be picking each of those out! :p
I shall, though, comment on the minute things that I find myself drawn towards, although you may very well be conscious of them, so do bear with me! :3
In 'the sky isn't just gray but pinkish due to the sun setting', I was really astounded by the beautiful imagery, could vividly see it, and considered myself using this if possible where appropriate in a future writing of mine! Yet, I do think that a 'too' after pinkish would be better to give the imagery I believe you wanted to give out to the reader!
Might I add, I got a tiny bit confused by how at one point you told the protagonist was standing, but followed this by how the people walking wonder why she is 'sitting unprotected'. While this was aptly put, I think the contradiction is a bit tricky, except if you wanted to imply our character sat down immediately after, and it is something that I missed out! :p
Lastly, I PERSONALLY believe the final sentence here could be reworded. It is rather unclear, and somewhat doesn't seem to fit in with the prior sentences - while what you meant to imply isn't lost on me I just feel there are better to ways to structure the sentence - except of course this is in the way it is since you were wanting to follow up the idea behind 'unprotected' (that you could catch sickness), with how in contrast, choices affect your life more, than I completely understand!(but the thinking going into figuring that out, yeah... xD)
How you abruptly put 'Done' there, was excellent! The follow up is very much the same too, and with 'my eyes matching the dripping', you effortlessly let us know that the protagonist is crying, rather than directly 'telling' us so! :3
I really feel like, to get the profound feeling of 'think repetitively across', if you just put 'Change is good' once more after the initial one, before following up with the 'Change is bad', the effect here would be even more astounding though! This is my personal leaning, and the decision verily lies with you here!
I think that with more focus on 'showing' these sentences could most certainly be more profound! Maybe rewording, and using more fancy vocabulary such as *musing* for 'current thinking place' could work out as well! The second sentence's beginning could certainly be better, for instance!
Me deciding to quote the whole thing here was to just emphasize how spectacular the use of short sentences to portray the disgruntled and morose mood of the character here is, and has been superbly well done! It is a teeny bit incoherent where the last sentence is concerned maybe, but it just goes to mimic the fragmented thoughts the protagonist themselves must have been having, so yeah!
The next paragraph was appropriate as well, with the same ambiguity as I believe is a trend throughout the piece, with how you used 'trickling' with people being fantastic! The play on 'staring', and how everyone is 'hypnotized' by the shades of red, as well as the screaming, is creatively done too!
In this paragraph, the command you have over imagery where colour and metaphor comes into the picture, is again shown by how you say 'my eyes start to water and the leaves on the ground turn into a mush of color'. How the earlier 'pinks' is substituted with the 'reds' that turn black and the like was fabulous where imagery goes as well!
Since by now I am quite 'low' on time, I shall 'shortly' comment on the overall character development. :p
Across the breakfast, packing, frog hug and airport scene, you have masterfully established the characters of each of the individuals in the story.
Aiden as the pre-teen kid who tries to act cool, and not as concerned, but who clearly does care for his older sister.
The mother is a classic relatively 'bossy' one, who displays the usual 'mom characteristics' whom you COULD possibly have given more material as a character - if considering this as a first chapter and later in the story she doesn't make another appearance, apart from in flashbacks which perhaps add even more substance to other, then it is okay I reckon! :3
(if this is the only story piece on this then some distinct quality or practices to make her EVEN more memorable would be nice, as special as the 'out-screaming' and commanding children moments were, though obviously this is just my own personal opinion and you could very well disregard it! :p )
Tillie is the most memorable character here, probably since she's the most important one to Iris here, and it is their quirky comical sisterly interactions that make both characters that much more likeable and endearing to us! :3
To sum up, in reiteration, this was a delightful read, and the literary techniques you used were just glorious, as is your brimming talent for imagery! The writing is a bit unclear at a few places, but obviously it is nothing a tiny bit of rewording can't turn that much more brilliant! Finally, how you weave your characters together is magnificent in its own right too, and is what completes your relatable story!
Hope to see more writing from you, and the continuance of this story if you are willing to do so!
Best wishes and good luck! :3
Regards,
-TheSheikh'sSpear
this is great
you have a lot of talent, this was an excellent work of fiction.