Published December 21, 2007
When the lights started to go on sooner than they normally did, Jade knew that it was time. She grabbed her coat and headed outside. The wind met her and blew with such force it seemed to be forcing her back; see ignored it and headed for the dock. When she reached it, she waited. She did not have to wait long because before she knew it a hand was on her shoulder.
“Your late.” She said trying not to put any emotion into her voice. She could barley keep from shaking that hand off, its cold clamminess bit into her through her jacket, she suppressed a shiver.
“ahh, my princess,” he took her chin and pulled it toward his face, “you were just early.” He smiled. It was one of the smiles, the one he always gave her; an evil one.
“I came here, Ok, let’s just get this over with.” She pulled her self free of his hand.
“excited are we?” his voice held a tint of British accent, as well as laughter.
“far from it, the sooner we are done, the sooner I get rid of your.” She stared right into his eyes; he looked away first.
“ahh, I liked you better when you were scared of me; guess I can’t win it all can I?” he turned and walked down the dock to a boat, Jade followed. As the motor started she took one last look back at the life she once knew. He had promised to bring her back, but when? Or even worst, what if he had lied. She looked as long as she could before to boat took her away, never to return.
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WOW OH come on what happens next! I want more! I would rate it 10 stars out of 5!
OMG, that's my name! Jade that is.
I like your imagery a lot a lot.
However your grammar needs work. You capitalize the first word in every sentence, even if it's in quotations. And, also it wouldn't hurt to run it through a spell checker to get those pesky misspelled words out of the way.
Also there's a matter of contractions, I saw a few times where you put, "your" instead of "you're" Very common mistake, although very much a pet peeve with us writers.
And I noticed you repeat the word "she" a lot. Like, She walked to the dock. She stood at the end. She waited for him. She saw him approaching. It gets a little redundant, mix it up a bit.
I very much like your non-Jade character, though.
Keep writing!
-jade.
This is good! Just a few things...
Please remember to capitlize the first word of every quote! No matter what. This is good, Keep Writing!
I am going to review your piece. Just to let you know bold is my personal comments and red is my adjustments.
This was definitely a piece that keeps you reading it right through to the end. You did have some spelling errors or typos but it wasn't to overwhelming. Your writing is alright, you could add some more description at parts. There was also some questions that occured in my mind. I wasn't sure if they were meant to or not. One was, why was his skin so clamy and cold? How could his temperature be so low to be able to be felt withing the jacket? is he a vampire or something? I really do like this piece though. I can feel her reluctance and it is straight forward. it tells you enough to make you want to keep reading yet you are satisfied with what you read.
I think I may look around at some other works you may have written.
Keep writing.
~Incognito
Wow that was very good. I want more.