Most people want a genie, correct? Do they want one so they can have three wishes? Well then I don't need one because I can have as many as I want, right? Isn't my pie amazing?
*****
August had the worst life you could imagine among yourself. Her mother died in a car crash, when she was only three. Her dad never wanted anything to do with her. She has been in 14 foster homes. 4 out of 14 of the foster homes abused her. 2 out of those four, also raped her. 5 out of the 14 died. Four others, just couldn't handle her emotions.
But then there was the last foster home. The house was a very little house, a cabin. It was even made of wood. It was cozy for August, especially sitting curled up in front of the fire with Debbie. Debbie was her foster mother, and the only other person in the house. She was quite old, so old that August worried that she would die on her. She was like a grandmother. Kissing August`s forehead, leaving lipstick marks. Telling her stories. Baking. Oh how good of a baker she was.
August especially loved her pies.
***
"What are you doing granny?" thirteen year old August asked coming inside from playing in the yard, in all the puddles.
She had been watching the rain slowly fall into the indents of the yard. There was a lot because her and Granny always liked to dig in the yard. They never knew what they could find. As soon as it was done she ran outside playing in the puddles, now back.
"Nothing, sweetie," Granny replied. "Just baking," She said with a smile.
August blue eyes looked up at Granny. Which she had to since she was only 4 feet tall. Once looking into Granny's eyes, she smiled.
Granny booted her butt with her hand to show her to get over to the sink. "Wash up, Little Aug."
August listened and went over and got washed up at the sink. But when she came back to Granny she had missed a smudge on her face. Which Granny gladly went and got a washcloth, wet it, and then washed off the smudge.
"Sit sweetheart,"
Of course August listened, again, sitting down.
Granny glided over to the oven. Taking out the pie, she went over to the window. She let the wind blow the pie, so it wouldn't burn little August`s mouth.
August watched-so hungry for that pie-as Granny came and sat the pie on the table. After getting August a fork and plate, she sat down.
"Eat up," Granny told August while taking loose pieces of her blonde hair and putting it behind her ear. Because, of course, August couldn't eat with hair in her face.
A phone rang and Granny got up to get it, leaving August to her thoughts.
One thought she had and said out loud was, "I wish Granny would adopt me."
She said this with pie in her mouth, so it sounded kind of funny.
Then next thing she knew Granny came back saying, "I want to adopt you!"
Aug. jumped for joy. But she thought it was funny how her wish came true when she had pie in her mouth.
So she tried again, "I wish I had a doggie," She said, unclear again, because of the food.
But then a dog came running in.
Granny laughed, "So you know?"
August looked at Granny, her blue eyes having curiosity in them.
********
Granny explained to August that any thing she wished with her pie in her mouth, would come true. Granny`s pies were magical. Granny was a witch.
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Overall comments:
Adorable story, but you can seriously cut the first part. I thought I was in for a ton of angst when I read it and I was about to leave.
I think you can show the last part.
What little characters you've shown here have personalities, although their personalities aren't quite memorable.
All of this is my opinion, so don't take it definitively. PM me if you have any questions about this review.
Sincerely,
Kara
Hey there, I'm Hawk and I'm here for a review!
the pie on the table. After getting August a fork and plate, she sat down.
Okay, so the two posters above me gave some great advice - write the actual numbers out, give us more detail about the characters and setting, use more dialogue.
I'm going to go through this entire piece line-by-line and give you all my thoughts; bear with me, because it's going to come across harshly, but hopefully will also be helpful.
The red is your writing, highlighted, and the blue words are my thoughts.
Critique
Most people want a genie, correct? Do they want one so they can have three wishes? Well then I don't need one because I can have as many as I want, right? Isn't my pie amazing?
#0000FF ">I'm not sure just what you mean by this. Is this the grandma-witch talking? Or August? Either way, it's very short and a little confusing to the reader, especially to start the story off with.
*****
August had the worst life you could imagine
among yourself#0000FF ">Unnecessary.. Her mother died in a car crash, when she was only three. Her dad never wanted anything to do with her. #FF0000 ">She has been in 14 foster homes. 4 out of 14 of the foster homes abused her. 2 out of those four, also raped her. 5 out of the 14 died. Four others, just couldn't handle her emotions.#0000FF ">This is very statistic-y. You're just rattling off numbers, saying such-and-such amount couldn't handle her, such-and-such abused her, etc. etc. This is called an infodump, where you just give the reader a whole bunch of information at one time so that the character's background is introduced and you don't ever have to talk about it again. This is a no-no.
When you meet someone for the first time, you don't go and tell them, "Hi, my name's this, I'm this many years old, I've moved five times, I have three younger siblings, and I believe in fairy dust. Incidentally, I like chocolate chip cookies and I used to live in France." No. You get to talking with the person and throughout the conversations you have, you eventually get to know each other. Same goes for novels. It gets too overwhelming for a reader to have to absorb all of that information, and it's a big turn-off.
So, bottom line to all this type, no infodumps!
But then there was the last foster home. The house was a very little house, a cabin. #FF0000 ">It was even made of wood. #0000FF ">Aren't most cabins made of wood? It was cozy for August, especially sitting curled up in front of the fire with Debbie. Debbie was her foster mother, and the only other person in the house. She was quite old, so old that August worried that she would die on her. She was like a grandmother. Kissing August`s forehead, leaving lipstick marks. Telling her stories. Baking. Oh how good of a baker she was.
August especially loved her pies.
***
"What are you doing granny?" #BF0000 ">thirteen year old August asked coming inside from playing in the yard, in all the puddles. #0000FF ">This is a massive run-on sentence. Read it aloud and see whether you're left panting for breath. Break it up; here's a suggestion: "August asked, coming inside. The thirteen-year old had been splashing in the puddles left from the rain." <-- see how that's easier to read, and that it also doesn't slam the reader with "She's 13, remember that now!" as you did when you put it first.
She had been watching the rain slowly fall into the #FF0000 ">indents #0000FF ">Sorry, don't care for this. It sounds like the rain is only falling in the indents. You could say that puddles formed in the indents, though. of the yard. There #FF0000 ">was #0000FF ">were a lot because #FF0000 ">her and Granny always liked to dig in the yard.
#0000FF ">Okay, I'm going to get all grammar-ly on you, so bear with me! Generally, when you're listing two people, one of them having a name and the other being a pronoun (he, she, it, etc.) then you list the person who's named first.
Secondly, "her" should be "she"; now you might be asking, "How am I supposed to tell which one to use?" Well, simply take out the "Granny" and just read it with the pronoun: "There were a lot because her liked digging." Does that makes sense? Nooo. So let's try "she" instead: "There were a lot because she liked digging." That sounds much better, doesn't it? Now, when you slip Granny back in there, it should read like this: "There were always a lot because Granny and she liked digging."
If you're ever in doubt, something my mom taught me is to just simplify the sentence and take out any extra information that doesn't relate to the issue you're addressing.
They never knew what they could find. As soon as it was done she ran outside playing in the puddles, now back.
"Nothing, sweetie," Granny replied. #FF0000 ">"Just baking," She said with a smile.
#0000FF ">Here is an excellent post by Demeter about dialogue punctuation - I use it all the time!
August#0000FF ">'s blue eyes looked up at Granny. Which she had to since she was only 4 feet tall. Once looking into Granny's eyes, she smiled.
#0000FF ">^ This whole paragraph is very redundant. You said she's looking up at Granny because she's short, and then she smiled. Shouldn't take more than one or maybe two sentences to convey this information.
Granny booted her #FF0000 ">butt #0000FF ">"Butt" sounds so harsh and not all that...mature, though that's not exactly the word I'm trying to think of. with her hand to show her to get over to the sink. "Wash up, Little Aug."
August listened and went over and got washed up at the sink. #FF0000 ">But when she came back to Granny she had missed a smudge on her face. Which Granny gladly went and got a washcloth, wet it, and then washed off the smudge.
#0000FF ">You keep separating sentences with a period, when it shouldn't be separate at all. "When she came back, she had missed a smudge on her face, which Granny gladly wiped off."
"Sit sweetheart,"
Of course August listened, again, sitting down.
Granny glided over to the oven. Taking out the pie, she went over to the window. She let the wind blow the pie, so it wouldn't burn little August`s mouth.
August watched-so hungry for that pie-as Granny came and #FF0000 ">sat #0000FF ">I'd replace this with "set". Who ever saw a pie sitting down?
"Eat up," Granny told August while taking loose pieces of her blonde hair and putting it behind her ear. Because, of course, August couldn't eat with hair in her face.
A phone rang and Granny got up to get it, leaving August to her thoughts.
One thought she had and said out loud was, "I wish Granny would adopt me."
She said this with pie in her mouth, so it sounded kind of funny.
Then next thing she knew Granny came back saying, "I want to adopt you!"
#0000FF ">Sounds very simple, young reader-ish. You don't want that.
Aug. jumped for joy. But she thought it was funny how her wish came true when she had pie in her mouth.
So she tried again#FF0000 ">,#0000FF ">. "I wish I had a doggie," She said, unclear again, because of the food.
#FF0000 ">But #0000FF ">What are you contradicting? Nothing, so you don't need "but." then a dog came running in.
Granny laughed, "So you know?"
August looked at Granny, her blue eyes #FF0000 ">having curiosity in them. #0000FF ">"Filled with curiosity," maybe?
********
Granny explained to August that any thing she wished with her pie in her mouth, would come true. Granny`s pies were magical. Granny was a witch. #0000FF ">Why aren't you telling us this through the story? Why just shoving this info at us now? You can definitely expand this!
/End Critique
Okay, so I know there's a lot that I wrote, but hopefully something I said will be helpful to you! You've got a good start and can really go somewhere with this. Please PM me if you have any questions!
You definitely have a good idea there. But there are some problems. Firstly, write out your numbers unless they're dates or large numbers, anything over thirty I believe. The beginning is a lot of telling, so I suggest working on that too. And there are some problems with your dialogue.
Lowercase "S" in said when the dialogue isn't finished.
Period here since there is no dialogue tag.
Otherwise, continue! Just be mindful of these things. ^^
Okay, interesting idea. But, the writing needs alot of improvement.
You need less talking, more description. What does Grannies house look like? What does the dog look like? WHat does Granny look like? Also, i think you need to brush up on your grammer. Your characters are bland. August and her grandmother need personalities. they are just...boring.
Lastly, I would make August a teenager. Or older than she seems right here. In your story, she seems like six or seven. Fourteen foster homes all in three or four years? Rape? Abuse? It is just too..May-sue. And she is too young.
Work on it, it has alot of potential.