Published February 9, 2005
Blanket of stars in a midnight sky,
Shooting stars and moons go by,
Swirling colors and endless holes,
Golden air and drifting souls,
Many planets toss and turn,
We still have many things to learn,
Space.
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141,344 Literary Works • 674,369 Reviews
the last two lines were unnecessary and disrupted the flow - "space" would have looked better if it was seperate from the rest of the poem, but really it didn't even have to be there.
apart from that, it was a sweet little poem, i liked the rythym. pretty
Ok, I know this is an old poem, but I found it in your portfolio...so...
I really like it, although the second line is too much like the first line, with the word 'stars' repeated. And the last word on the end kind of disrupts everything...but it was sweet
The pace of this is exquisitely done, and it just spins off the tongue. I didn't like lines 5, 6 or 7 however, you seemed to lose your earlier rhythm and word choice that made me enjoy the beginning. Line 5 could be reqorded in my opinion, and line 6 lost the overall feel of the poem, as Brian said, and line 7 is pretty redundant and can eb taken away.
Small and sweet though.
The pace of this is equisitely done, and it just spins off the tongue. I didn't like lines 5, 6 or 7 however, you seemed to lose your earlier rhythm and word choice that made me enjoy the beginning. Line 5 could be reqorded in my opinion, and line 6 lost the overall feel of the poem, as Brian said, and line 7 is pretty redundant and can eb taken away.
Small and sweet though.
The first five lines are great; the rythym and beat move along very nicely. However, the sixth line seems out of place. The line itself meets the rhyming scheme, but it doesn't have the same beat and the subject of it doesn't fit. You should consider replacing it with another line that adds more imagery to the scene. The seventh line, though, should just be taken out as it is not needed.
All in all, I really liked this. You have good imagery and I love the fourth line.