The touch of your hand holds my mind in place
has we float above the ground,
tickling the clouds as we rise
higher
and higher,
just us,
together in the swirling wind.
Nothing else matterd
you run your hands along my back,
I smile,
you smile back,
I feel a tingle run along my back,
up to my head and down to my chest
I softly close my eyes
has I lift my hand and touch you on the face....
My heart beats faster
colors come together
kneading in and out around us
but we stay still has your lips touch mine
and you hold me
closer
and closer..
just us
together in the swirling wind.
It feels nice
we hear nothing
we see nothing
just us.
Just
us...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
ok, first i would like to say great poem
just a couple suggestions.
right here you say the word "back" too much try this
"you run your hands along my back,
I smile,
you smile,
I feel a tingle run down my spine,"
you also say along twice so i fixed that in my example also.
in this part i noticed that it says "has" were it should say "as", also, instead of "touch you on the face" i would put "touch your face". this makes it flow better.
i found nothing else to fix
"we hear nothing
we see nothing
just us.
Just
us..." The way you ended your poem was awesome... I really like the beggining too. But I think the middle of your poem could use a tiny bit fixing.
Right firstly enjoyed this poem however with every poem there is something wrong
Good stanza nice opening...
The touch of your hand holds my mind in place
has we float above the ground,
i think you mean as not has
it was ok overall. there was too little sensory detail in my opinion.
Hee...I'm flattered. Somebody's been reading my stuff...lol
Wow. For being 11, you rock at the whole romance thing. Now, for some 'what i liked'...
'I feel a tingle run along my back.'- This whole line is great. Of course, I've never been kissed, but if you get this feeling when the guy even talks to you, it's obviously going to feel like what you personified in your poem.
And I like the ending. Possibly for reasons you know of...lol. it's kind of drifting off and very peaceful..the kind of the whole mood you create throghout the entire poem.
Well done.
Okay, first off, I'll say that I liked this a lot, though I do have some points to bring up.
I don't like "softly" in this line. It sound funny and made me think "Softly close eyes? How do you do that?" Some other adjective would work fine; I think if you didn't have anything there, it would sound jerky.
Even though you spelled "kneading" wrong, I loved this line, it just sounded cool.
I like this too, thoug I don't think you should capitalize the "u" in the last "us" and while I like the idea of the three dots (what are they called again, lol?) I felt weird about them. Don't ask me why though, it might just be my current mood.
Overall, it was a moderately-good to good poem.