Young Writers Society

ok, first i would like to say great poem just a couple suggestions.

you run your hands along my back,
I smile,
you smile back,
I feel a tingle run along my back,

has I lift my hand and touch you on the face....

"we hear nothing
we see nothing
just us.

Just

us..." The way you ended your poem was awesome... I really like the beggining too. But I think the middle of your poem could use a tiny bit fixing.

Right firstly enjoyed this poem however with every poem there is something wrong

The touch of your hand holds my mind in place
has we float above the ground, <<<<<<<<<<--- 'has' should be 'as'
tickling the clouds as we rise <- 'as' twices sounds funny so you could change it to 'while' up to you
higher
and higher,
just us,
together in the swirling wind.

Nothing else matterd

you run your hands along my back,
I smile,
you smile back,
I feel a tingle run along my back,
up to my head and down to my chest
I softly close my eyes
has I lift my hand and touch you on the face.... 'has' should be 'as' again... unless I'm missing something

My heart beats faster

colors come together
kneading in and out around us
but we stay still has your lips touch mine <-- 'has' - 'as'
and you hold me
closer
and closer..
just us
together in the swirling wind.

It feels nice <---- WEAK line it just dampens all you've written before hand

we hear nothing
we see nothing
just us.

Just

us...

Nice ending

The touch of your hand holds my mind in place
has we float above the ground,
i think you mean as not has

it was ok overall. there was too little sensory detail in my opinion.

Hee...I'm flattered. Somebody's been reading my stuff...lol

Wow. For being 11, you rock at the whole romance thing. Now, for some 'what i liked'...

'I feel a tingle run along my back.'- This whole line is great. Of course, I've never been kissed, but if you get this feeling when the guy even talks to you, it's obviously going to feel like what you personified in your poem.

And I like the ending. Possibly for reasons you know of...lol. it's kind of drifting off and very peaceful..the kind of the whole mood you create throghout the entire poem.

Well done.

Okay, first off, I'll say that I liked this a lot, though I do have some points to bring up.

I softly close my eyes

kneeding in and out around us

It feels nice

we hear nothing
we see nothing
just us.

Just

Us...