Published April 14, 2005
This is a bunch of random ramblings, so feel free to tear it apart
We were always friends and will always will be,
but when I see you walking with another 13-year-old out
of the children's section and into the adult,
I wonder.
And when you hardly ever tell me about what is happening
in your life, like, I'm lucky if you tell me when your
soccer tournament is,
I wonder.
We are friends I know, but are friendship is more like
when I was 7 and you were 9, mostly playing bored games
and super heroes.
But I'm 11 and your 13
and our friendship is the same,
but instead of Sorry we play Poker
and instead of super heroes we play Basketball
like their is much difference.
But when I hear what you talk about with that other
13-year-old
(the war in Iraq, drugs, homeless people
the list goes on)
I wonder,
why do you talk to him about that kind of stuff but not
me?
am I too CHILDISH and YOUNG to UNDERSTAND what you
are talking about?
Huh?
is that it?
just because I am a girl and I am 11-year-old doesn't
mean I can't talk about word issues.
Or do you think I don't know what is going on in the
world?
Huh?
is that what you think?
I read the newspaper everyday you know,
so I KNOW what is HAPPENING in the WORLD
OK?
got it?
so stop.
I'm tired of that.
-----Dedicated To Sean-----
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
This, to me, sounded like when my sister shouts at me. Incoherent ramblings.
Saying that, though, there were parts I liked. The first stanza started it off well, but you sort of lost the whole idea and structure after that. Perhaps you were consumed with anger - whatever it was, I think you lost it after that.
Personally I liked this, but methinks you need to take advantage of the spellcheck.
soccar=soccer, are=our, heros=heroes, diffrence=difference, UNTERSTAND=understand, word=world, newspaprer=newspaper.
And this is probably more just my personal preference, but when you say "Just because I am a girl and I am 11-year-old doesn't mean..." I think either "I am 11" or "I am 11 years old" sounds better.
Good job!
Show, don't tell. You've got something here that a lot of people can relate to, and that's great, but you have to leave the reader guessing to make the message clearer and more powerful. Work on the rhythm and general poetic-ness. At the moment you have a sort of rambling conversation. Turn it into something interesting and poetic. Good start though, nice one.
This reminds me of something that I wrote when I was around your age. Except, mine rhymed and was just a flat out disasterpiece. The fact that you're 11 really impresses me. The imagery was decent, rhthym didn't seem inconsistent. The only thing that I think you should change are the last two lines...to something...I don't know...more cliffhangerish?