The needle, the skin, the blood.
Life will never be the same.
One moment i am me,
And the next someone that
No one could be proud of.
Free from pain, yet overwhelmed.
My life is changed, but
The choice was my own.
Pins and needles, ink, and blood.
Forever augmenting the person i
Had been.
Forever taking the countryside out of
The boy.
I feel nothing, yet feel the eyes of
Those that matter upon me.
I am still someone that you can
Be proud of?
The blood, the ink.
I am me, yet you do not see me.
The ink has blurred me.
Or perhaps it has blurred you.
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140,637 Literary Works • 673,574 Reviews
Hey, I'm new!
I write poetry but very sparingly.
I agree with Blackwood, the orientation of the stanzas is uncomfortable. I also think the last stanza uses 'me' too often. It doesn't seem intentionally repetitive, just spliced together awkwardly. That's probably a personal preference, though. I liked it a lot. The point was driven home rather quickly, and for that reason it lacks another level of depth I think would be found with more variety.
I'm an idiot though. Essentially just nit-picking.
I appreciated it, definitely don't regret the read.
Thanks, i appreciate it.
the ending and the beginning of this poem are magnificent!
The opening sentence automatically made me think, 'he got a tatoo'. But as I read further on, I realised, 'oh, this guy has done something he cant forgive himself for.'
Is the ink the modern world, smoothing over all the different people, making everyone the same?
if it is, the ink will never blur me.
Nor I!
Review for you. I have nicknamed myself evil reviewer.
Ok first thing first. I look at your poem as a whole. I see lots of different length stanzas. Your first has five lines, then three, then five again, then four. When starting a poem you should develop a habit of deciding on your structure. If you want to go free-verse then its fine, however this poem looks like it has too much of a developing structure and obvious stanzas to be classed as free verse.
I recommend that you stick to four or five line stanzas if you can make it work. If this proves too difficult you could leave it as.
-Overall this opening stanza is my favourite in the poem. I instantly know what you mean and you have conveyed it in a poetic sense.
-You do need to capitalize your I.
-Another note is that when you are doing line-breaks you don't need to capitalize. For example you could say it like this:
"And the next someone that
no one could be proud of." However only do this is you are going to be consistent throughout.
-If you were going to reformat your poem into four line verses I think that this stanza would be the hardest to change simply because It is so good how it is.In this case, I would recommend taking out "Life will never be the same" and putting it in somewhere later in the poem, perhaps near the end, because it would act much more dominant in a concluding statement.
-Again I like this stanza on its own, but again it will be difficult if you wanted to change your structure. It has nice rhythm just one thing I would suggest chnaging is very small, it just slightly improves the flow by taking out 'but':
"My life is changed;
the choice was my own."
-I really like how overwhelmed can vaguely rhyme with own through the use of assonance of the o as well as consonance of the w.
-The first line of this section involves repetition of the first line of the poem, however I think that it is slightly abrupt because of the fact that you changed one word. Skin to ink, and added pins, while leaving the rest the same.
- I really like the line "augmenting the person I had been" It has a powerful meaning and image. I think you should turn it all into one line because in the previous stanzas you used longer passages and suddenly having these short blunt lines breaks the flow.
-I am not sure how the countryside relates, I think it is something to do with the history of the narrator but I feel like you need to add a little extra to 'the boy'. It does have a nice impact if it was stand-alone but as I said before, the short lines in the middle can break it.
-I get this but I feel like it could have been executed differently. For example.
"I feel nothing, but the eyes
of those that matter, upon me."
Also the next question is a statement but you put a question mark on it. If you want it to be a question you need to say "am I'" not "I am". Also you repeated this line from earlier in the poem. Try saying the same thing through the use of synonyms?
-the final stanza. I get to this and I am still unsure how ink relates to this. I am either guessing that the poem is about drugs or is about getting tattoos. If it was about tattoos then the ink would make sense but at the beginning it seems like something much more dire than some pictures on your skin.
-Other than that I really like this. I don't think you need the gap between the last stanza and the last line. Just keep it set in a group of four.
This impressed me for someone so new. Good job and I look forward to seeing more poetry from you.
Oh also, change your avatar/picture to something awesome.
Hello there!
First off, this is pretty good! The only thing I didn't like was how the "I" wasn't capitalized at the beginning and then was at the end. All together though, this was good. I'm looking forward to reading some of your other work! If you have anything else that needs a review, just PM me and let me know
-Angel