Published March 6, 2012
So...i have this idea for a book...but I've been having some trouble starting it.. so tell me if this is any good at all/you would keep reading it or if i should just try a new way to start it...thanks!!
“You turn twenty two in three days…just don’t go. I want to see what happens; I need to know.”
“Lexi, I can’t, you know it’s not allowed.”
“What can they do to you? You’ll be dead anyway right?” My counter is somewhat harsh, but I need her to do this for me.
Shayla's eyes narrow in contemplation. I don’t understand why the decision is so hard for her, what she could be afraid of. Finally, reluctantly, she answers.
“Okay fine, I’ll do it, I won’t go, but just know that it’s not to defy the government, I’m only doing it for you Lex, so you can see. But if something… bad happens, just don’t blame me, okay?”
I’m Lexi. I live in room twelve, building nineteen, on an island called __(I dont' know what to call it yet)__. My life is easy. Everyone’s here is. We’re cared for by the Sixteens and Seventeens until we’re five years old. On our fifth birthday we go to live with the other Fives and we begin school and work. The teachers are nice and the jobs are easy. Each year we move buildings, and change occupations. When we’re fifteen we finish school and work full time. On each man’s eighteenth birthday, they pick a wife and move out of the buildings and into a house. Each couple is required by law to have at least two children, the babies are then given to the Sixteens and Seventeens and the whole process repeats. After having kids, the couples go back to work, until each person’s twenty second birthday, when they die.
I’m nineteen, my occupation is to do breakfast dishes and help cook dinner each night. I haven’t been chosen to marry yet. Honestly, that’s totally fine by me. I don’t want to get married, and it’s no secret. I hear the other girls talk about me. They think I’m arrogant, whispering about how I think I’m too pretty for the men here, that I think I deserve better.
That’s not true though, I’m just different than they are. They spend their free time doing pointless things like style their hair and flock around mirrors to analyze their appearance. Looks aren’t that important to me. I have pale skin, and intense green eyes. My light brown hair is dead straight, and down to my waste, and I leave it that way, with no intentions of fashioning it. But they don’t get it. They never will. For them, their whole world is impressing the guys, and getting chosen before their other gossipy friends. Not mine. My whole world, is escaping my world.
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139,382 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
I like it, yet you need to rewrite it so that it flows more easily. I had a little trouble reading it, but the storyline is great. Maybe instead of having all this information in one or two paragraphs, you could spread it out a bit more. For example you could change this:
"That’s not true though, I’m just different than they are. They spend their free time doing pointless things like style their hair and flock around mirrors to analyze their appearance. Looks aren’t that important to me. I have pale skin, and intense green eyes. My light brown hair is dead straight, and down to my waste, and I leave it that way, with no intentions of fashioning it. But they don’t get it. They never will. For them, their whole world is impressing the guys, and getting chosen before their other gossipy friends."
into this:
"As I walked into the cafeteria, where i was meeting my best friend Shayla, I noticed the other girls my age brushing their hair. They were praticualry glued to the mirrors they had in their hands. As if sensing my presence, they looked up with disgusted looks on their make-up covered faces. The reason, they all wanted to get married... I didn't. To them, I am an arrogant girl who thinks she's better than the men here. That wasn't true, I was just different. I catched my reflection in a window. Light brown here that was dead straight, pale skin and intense green eyes stared back at me. My hair was down to my waist. I had no intentions of fashioning it or impressing guys in hopes of getting chosen before anyone else. I was not like them."
That wasn't a really good example, so don't use it if you don't want to. All I'm saying is that you should "show" your story not "tell." Plus, you have spent waist wrong, but i'm guessing that was because you were excited to get it down.
I will expecting more of this story because i really do like the storyline.
Future
I love it! I can't wait to see what comes next!
I see no spelling or grammar mistakes.
I think that this is cool! You should definitely continue it, and I really liked the end. I would like to see what happens. Just be careful with the spelling mistakes. X_x Good job!