Lucine:
Prologue.
The young girl sat humbly, staring at the blank stone wall before her. Mother and father were busy, they always were, and so she took to staring at the bleak stone wall in the room, not daring to bother the hell hound that lay resting in the right corner.
Though the girl was young herself, having only reached 6 winters, she was no meager child — definitely not! said child was power and knowledge combined — hence why when both parents had scuffled the young girl into the familiar room, sparing each other nervous glances and mumbling for the child to stay silent before rushing back into the castle's foyer, there was no doubt in her mind that something was quite not right.
The room had become a common sight for her — filled with long green and red woven tapestries hanging on each of the four walls, a large dark wood table being the centerpiece of the room, covered in ornaments and small table furnishings.
There, in the far right corner, was the hell hound. Built like a beast, it guarded the young child (despite her slight fear). The sight of the beast was not uncommon since almost every vampyr household harbored the species, as protection but also company.
And although young vampyr Lucine was considered brave by the majority of her family, she could not help but eye the beast in wariness. Perhaps it was the threat of something being physically stronger than her or the fact that it constantly watched over her in her uncertain moments, who knows, but nothing could have given her more comfort in that moment when the double doors to the room slammed open, revealing a pair of pale vampyr consul members, clad in black robes. Their actions were the first to startle the girl; sitting on the small wooden chair on the left side of the room, Lucine gave a startled cry at the furiosity in the men's eyes, their fangs on show and blood red eyes glowing as they stormed towards the child.
It was in that moment that the hell hound pounded into action, its paws assaulting the stone floor moments before its teeth tore into both of the men, blood gushing from all angles of the men's bodies. Rich vampyric blood filling the room, the stench igniting something within Lucine — watching the hell hound rip into the throats of the men was intriguing and before the girl knew it, she was walking closer to the sight.
Closer....
— Rip!
Closer...
Snap!
Blood...
Bang! The girl awoke, finding herself covered in relentless bundles of sweat, her matured body gripping to the knife on the side of her bed, her eyes darting across the room in panic and for a moment, she swore she seen red eyes glaring at her through the window — the eyes of the Consul men storming into the room to kill her, the eyes of the blasted hell hound that was irritatingly loyal and... the eyes of her parents, who gave her a look of horror as they started at the young girl marveling in the death of the two men.
Those eyes...
Thank you for reading! This is my first attempt at writing on YWS, so I hope I did at least average. This short novella is Lucine and will consist of somewhere between 10-20 chapters. I know the prologue is a little rough and messy, but I hope you enjoyed it at the very least. Thank you :)
- Heather
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Holy. Deer. Goodness. Gracious. That was completely terrifying yet amazing. The ending... that cliffhanger... I can't. I simply cannot. The only thing I will fix in this are a couple of typos.
I hope this review is helpful
First "definitely not! Said child" make sure to capitalize the s in said.
Also, "who knows" is kind of in a weird place with weird punctuation. It's just awkward. Maybe put that as "moments. Who knows? Nothing could..."
Lastly, "in that moment than when the double doors..." it sounds weird without the than to me. "...she swore she seen red eyes..." should be "she swore she saw red eyes..."
That's it. This story was seriously amazing and you write very well. Keep up the good work
Hello there, Heather
I've read your work Lucine, and would like to give you my thoughts regarding it. First, the story was understandable! I knew what was happening and that's a good start. This is an interesting concept and I'd like to see how far you will take it. However, the description, per se, in the writing itself and vocabulary choice, sadly, makes me dubious. It doesn't need more description, but it does need better description.
In the first paragraph, something seems redundant, as if it repeated itself unnecessarily. This occurred throughout the story. In the second paragraph, it begins with 'Though the girl was young herself' as if there was a comparison or something made/said towards another character's youth in a statement prior.
I suppose the line 'only having reached six winters' is a creative reference to the protagonist's age in the dream. If so, I liked it
Consider these things if you decide to revise:
1. We know the protagonist is young because she is referred to as 'the girl'
2. What does not being meager or inadequate have to do with her being young or six? Are children that age commonly referred to as meager little people? Something seems off in this paragraph. Maybe you were setting up an introduction to her powers or intelligence?
3. We know the hell hound is in the corner, and we are reminded of this fact in a very bland, recycled way
Another thing. You insert information about the protagonist's age and character traits in one line which seems forced, in my opinion, and like an 'info dump' and less natural. I believe things would flow better if you were to ease them into the story instead of flinging it at us (the readers). Again, great concept, I'd just like to see it fleshed out a bit more.
Follow your passion.
Sincerely,
A.C
Hey AlexCooper, thank you for taking the time to review
I can understand your points, like with the vocabulary and various other points, I will make sure to revise those areas (I'm a little rusty, I suppose) and I somewhat agree that I haven't made her age clear so I think taking some time to re-arrange that will be best. I didn't want to portray too much of her power, although the intent was to hint towards it so perhaps I should revise that also.
Thank you for the advise and criticism, it was helpful!
Hey Heather! I love the work, it's great! There are several things I would touch up on.
In the first paragraph, I believe the second sentence: "Mother and father were busy, they always were, and so she took to staring at the bleak stone wall in the room, not daring to bother the hell hound that lay resting in the right corner." is a run-on and I would try to divide your thoughts here into two sentences. It flows with the commas, but I just feel it would be better if it wasn't in one sentence.
In the second paragraph, I think that in the sentence: "Built like a beast, it guarded the young child (despite her slight fear)." you really don't need the parenthesis here and can probably just include it as a part of the sentence.
In paragraph 3, I wouldn't start a sentence with "And" (unless if you were writing poetry of course)
In paragraph 4, I think this sentence is a run-on "Perhaps it was the threat of something being physically stronger than her or the fact that it constantly watched over her in her uncertain moments, who knows, but nothing could have given her more comfort in that moment when the double doors to the room slammed open, revealing a pair of pale vampyr consul members, clad in black robes." I think a good fix would be splitting it up into two sentences (like this is a suggestion): "Perhaps it was the threat of something being physically stronger than her or the fact that it constantly watched over her in her uncertain moments. Who knows, but nothing could have given her more comfort in that moment when the double doors to the room slammed open, revealing a pair of pale vampyr consul members, clad in black robes."
In the last paragraph, wouldn't it be "she had seen" The last paragraph is awesome and ends the prologue very creepy and intriguing. I love it, that's the strongest part of what you have written.
This is great overall! I love your writing style and by fixing a few things, you should be off to a great start! Also, i love the cover of "Lucine" you did, it looks super cool!
Hope this helps,
21gmu
Hey 21gmu! Thanks for reviewing
I understand your criticism and I agree with what you have said, so I will revise the mistakes. Thank you.
Yes, I like the cover myself. I was shocked that I managed to make it so well, too! Thank you
This was definitely fun to read! I totally enjoyed the dark feeling it gave my mind, and it was well written enough to make me ask myself what would happen next. I do advise that you go back over the description and revise it to make it a little more intriguing, as it's a little bland with the way it's worded. It was a great little mystery bit though and I'm probably going to be keeping up with it (if you'll please message me when new parts are put out). The vocabulary was perfect for the very regal sense you gave it and the vampyr concept was given a refreshing twist. Loved it!
Hey! Thanks for reviewing
I understand what you mean about the description, I rushed it rather than thought about it in depth, so I'll revise it and edit it. Thank you.
And sure! I'll make you aware when the next chapter is released.