Young Writers Society

Holy. Deer. Goodness. Gracious. That was completely terrifying yet amazing. The ending... that cliffhanger... I can't. I simply cannot. The only thing I will fix in this are a couple of typos.

First "definitely not! Said child" make sure to capitalize the s in said.

Also, "who knows" is kind of in a weird place with weird punctuation. It's just awkward. Maybe put that as "moments. Who knows? Nothing could..."

Lastly, "in that moment than when the double doors..." it sounds weird without the than to me. "...she swore she seen red eyes..." should be "she swore she saw red eyes..."

That's it. This story was seriously amazing and you write very well. Keep up the good work I hope this review is helpful

Hello there, Heather

I've read your work Lucine, and would like to give you my thoughts regarding it. First, the story was understandable! I knew what was happening and that's a good start. This is an interesting concept and I'd like to see how far you will take it. However, the description, per se, in the writing itself and vocabulary choice, sadly, makes me dubious. It doesn't need more description, but it does need better description.

In the first paragraph, something seems redundant, as if it repeated itself unnecessarily. This occurred throughout the story. In the second paragraph, it begins with 'Though the girl was young herself' as if there was a comparison or something made/said towards another character's youth in a statement prior.

I suppose the line 'only having reached six winters' is a creative reference to the protagonist's age in the dream. If so, I liked it

Consider these things if you decide to revise:

1. We know the protagonist is young because she is referred to as 'the girl'
2. What does not being meager or inadequate have to do with her being young or six? Are children that age commonly referred to as meager little people? Something seems off in this paragraph. Maybe you were setting up an introduction to her powers or intelligence?
3. We know the hell hound is in the corner, and we are reminded of this fact in a very bland, recycled way

Another thing. You insert information about the protagonist's age and character traits in one line which seems forced, in my opinion, and like an 'info dump' and less natural. I believe things would flow better if you were to ease them into the story instead of flinging it at us (the readers). Again, great concept, I'd just like to see it fleshed out a bit more.

Follow your passion.

Sincerely,

A.C

Hey Heather! I love the work, it's great! There are several things I would touch up on.

In the first paragraph, I believe the second sentence: "Mother and father were busy, they always were, and so she took to staring at the bleak stone wall in the room, not daring to bother the hell hound that lay resting in the right corner." is a run-on and I would try to divide your thoughts here into two sentences. It flows with the commas, but I just feel it would be better if it wasn't in one sentence.

In the second paragraph, I think that in the sentence: "Built like a beast, it guarded the young child (despite her slight fear)." you really don't need the parenthesis here and can probably just include it as a part of the sentence.

In paragraph 3, I wouldn't start a sentence with "And" (unless if you were writing poetry of course)

In paragraph 4, I think this sentence is a run-on "Perhaps it was the threat of something being physically stronger than her or the fact that it constantly watched over her in her uncertain moments, who knows, but nothing could have given her more comfort in that moment when the double doors to the room slammed open, revealing a pair of pale vampyr consul members, clad in black robes." I think a good fix would be splitting it up into two sentences (like this is a suggestion): "Perhaps it was the threat of something being physically stronger than her or the fact that it constantly watched over her in her uncertain moments. Who knows, but nothing could have given her more comfort in that moment when the double doors to the room slammed open, revealing a pair of pale vampyr consul members, clad in black robes."

In the last paragraph, wouldn't it be "she had seen" The last paragraph is awesome and ends the prologue very creepy and intriguing. I love it, that's the strongest part of what you have written.

This is great overall! I love your writing style and by fixing a few things, you should be off to a great start! Also, i love the cover of "Lucine" you did, it looks super cool!

Hope this helps,
21gmu

This was definitely fun to read! I totally enjoyed the dark feeling it gave my mind, and it was well written enough to make me ask myself what would happen next. I do advise that you go back over the description and revise it to make it a little more intriguing, as it's a little bland with the way it's worded. It was a great little mystery bit though and I'm probably going to be keeping up with it (if you'll please message me when new parts are put out). The vocabulary was perfect for the very regal sense you gave it and the vampyr concept was given a refreshing twist. Loved it!