Just only if,
Moments of happiness had not slithered down the abysses of time,
To dwindle within the labyrinthine bylanes of reminisces and remembrance,
If only,
The quantums of bliss,
Had shredded their ephemerality and fleeting,
To hang around with me,
Devoid of all their impermanence and evanescence,
For ever and ever again,
If only,
I could have held back onto those fragments,
The love and affability off the smiles, laughs and the giggling,
The blithe off the flake of the sunny winter morning,
The placation off the flurry of the summer evening breeze,
The beatitude, the piety off the glimpse of the raindrops falling,
And made them all freeze,
Into endlessness, interminability and perpetuity,
Without letting them ever languish,
Only as detached pockets of time,
Of things lodged in the archives of the past,
The lost and the irretrievable moments,
If only,
I could have held back onto,
The wheel of time,
I wish,
Even when I know,
It's like hoping against hope,
That they had always been with me,
Always by my side,
In defiance to all the rules of time,
With me forever,
Forever mine.
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Hello.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
To me, this tries too hard. You use a lot of words and metaphors that do not aid comprehension or enjoyment when reading the poem.
Here is my suggestion. Say what you mean, and say it in your authentic voice. As in, say it as if you were speaking it. An authentic voice is much more powerful than any single word or combination of words to make something "poetic" or "beautiful."
What do you mean? Ask yourself that and then put it out on paper. Simplicity is more beautiful than gaudy ornamentation.
I feel like this was very short, but I can't criticize anything else before you change it into what your true voice is.
Also, why is this in bold? It was difficult to read.
Happy YWSing.
Wow! You have used a lot of uncommon words which is really good in terms of writing a poem. It's actually I think a descriptive poetry, more on adjectives. Keep on writing! I like it so far.
If we can just turn back time, I think the word "regret" my never be invented. If only, right? But there's no such thing as stepping twice with the same river and that's reality. We are not really time magicians to do so. Nice poetry! Looking forward for more.
Hi, Heartspeak
Despite this though it reads really well and the choices of words in most places roll off the tongue. The second half of the poem is where it hits its real strength, irretrievable moments is a resonant sentiment, I fell that the focus should have been on this aspect of the past. Those moments that are just out of reach. We can relive them all we like and fantasise about changing them but what is set in stone is set.
There's something inherently wrong with this poem, without sounding too grandiloquent, it's too complex, the wording is far too 'thesaurus' like. Poetry is born through the heart, it's flawed and ugly and beautiful and perfect. Contradictory and harmonious, that's how I see poetry, and this theme of hanging onto the past is strong but it is lost within the weave of the style.
Don't be too quick to make it seem clever, the brain is clever, the heart is an idiot.
I hope this review helps you, the theme of the poem may be strong at your heart but it doesn't show very well through the poem, it's too thought out, too clinical like a surgeon picking all the right tools. Would like to read more from you, your voice is in there somewhere and I want to listen to it.
LMJ
Oh my, what a beautiful piece of art. I like how it seems very deep. One of the best poems I've read. You really must have spent a lot of time on that.
Oh my, what a beautiful piece of art. I like how it seems very deep. One of the best poems I've read. You really must have spent a lot of time on that.
You must read the Monstrumologist series
Wow!! The writer of this poem is amazing!!! I loved this piece of creative, well thought-out work. It is beautiful and cryptic and unique all in one. Check out my work/tips/posts if you'd like at Catlover211 on this site.
Such wonderful work! I hope others like this too. Get this published!!