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Diamonds in the Sky

by hearthewhiskeringthereagain


Sun, great ball of light and luminosity, rises over the ocean. Its brilliance reflects off fish in the sea, and off the sea itself. It adjusts its impeccable posture and beams brighter, shimmying its shafts in tune with the soft wind. Sapphire waves collide with golden sand, scattering young children and birds alike. Emerald ropes of seaweed fling themselves onto shore, becoming toys for the skittish youth. Sun rises to the occasion and glints itself off of glistening shells concealed underneath a blanket of beach. The children rush off, playacting at piracy.

Sun coasts down a cumulus cloud and the shadows grow longer. Parents raise their sunglasses and sip their drinks, heeding the children who have now become mermaids in their own minds.

Sun receives a gentle tap of radiance upon its blazing back. Moon emerges and is momentarily blinded but quickly recovers and greets Sun with a small ripple of its glow. Sun flares and dismisses Moon with a white-hot jab. Moon stays put and attempts to glide in front of Sun. Sun dulls to a resentful red and sends fuming, fizzling sparks towards Moon. Moon gathers its star soldiers, who take the hits, falling to distant dirt, dazzling the beachgoers. Sun seethes and rams Moon out of the sky with an incredible incandescence. Moon marches back to its manor in a cloud of indignation.

Sun returns to its rightful place in the sky and beams down. Cars arrive in rivers and children pour out of them, disturbing the sleeping sand. Bright bathing suits and polychromatic parasols calm Sun. The ocean becomes more and more like a magnificent mirror, its waves settling back into the dramatic depths. Children notice this and act accordingly, swimming until their breath leaves them and they have to perch upon precarious rocks until they can stop panting and resume combing the transparent sea.

A slinking silhouette of a shark appears, basking in the warm waters. Sun wavers, its rays shivering in its own heat. A child cries out, and a lowly ribbon of crimson slithers into the sea. The youth paddle back to shore in hope of some sympathy sweets. The shark sniffs the scarlet stream and hustles towards the children. Few notice, and fewer tell the others, but soon a small patch of sea is alive once more with furious kicks and splashes. The shark moves like a shooting star, quick and easy to miss. Sun watches as a quilt of ruby spreads over a swatch of sea. The children hasten to shore, unnecessarily. The shark has gotten what it came for, and it returns to the murk.

The beach vacates and a school of cars show up, their sirens and lights hurting Sun’s senses. Sun tumbles from the sky, leaving only an orange absence.

Moon is deep in a book but does not seem fazed when Sun comes knocking on the door. Moon rises, noticing Sun’s deflation and hurries to the shore. Sun catches up and watches as Moon starts the waves again, rinsing the blood from the ocean floor. Sun sinks to its solar stronghold, burning a hole of despair in the sky. Moon summons its star soldiers and cleans up the beach. Sighing, they cast their light on a blissfully ignorant couple sipping smoothies by the shore.

The next morning, Sun, great ball of light and luminosity, rises over the ocean. 


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Sun Jun 06, 2021 4:48 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hello and welcome to YWS, hearthewhiskeringthereagain!

Oof, this is quite the story you've got here. I enjoyed it from beginning to end.

The personification of the Sun and Moon was fairly well done, although this part -

Moon gathers its star soldiers, who take the hits, falling to distant dirt, dazzling the beachgoers.

- felt a little odd. If I'm not wrong, the falling stars are essentially shooting stars. While the description itself is beautiful and like something out of a fantasy world, you gotta consider that there aren't a lot of shooting stars ever night.
Honestly, that whole paragraph felt weird. Why is the Sun refusing to let the Moon shine?
Sun seethes and rams Moon out of the sky with an incredible incandescence.

...okay? It's certainly an interesting take; the Sun usually backs down willingly every night, but here seems to fight tooth and claw to stay in its "rightful place." I found it quite weird.

Otherwise...

Wow. Just wow. The imagery in this story is simply bedazzling. You've been very liberal with adjectives and haven't hesitated to top the whole thing off with a round of alliterations. This is quite hard to pull off without making your work extremely flowery, and yet you've done it. I didn't feel that you overdid any of the descriptions; they were all exquisitely lovely but also apt.
The visuals were simply fantastic. I honestly didn't particularly care for the tragedy so much as how brilliantly it was described. Every word was carefully placed, like a tile in a masterful mosaic.
Aarghhhhh, just reading your work again makes me clench how bewitching it is. Even the smallest of descriptions reads like something straight out of the mouth of John Keats.

I loved it. I really did. Thank you for making my day. :)

~ Lee




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Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:03 pm
Otterpop wrote a review...



Heya! Otterpop here with a quick review!

For one thing I did not expect to get so much detail in a single, SHORT short story. That's what is very nice as a short story, that they can be so incredibly diverse, and this read was no exception. As I mentioned there was so much detail, and so much verbiage throughout the entire story that I could not help but feel a little captivated by it. I am a huge fan of detail myself and loved to see so much of it without it feeling pandering or unnecessary.

What stood out to me by the end of it was how you seem to give both character and personification to both Sun and Moon, and in ways that rather intrigued me.

The other thing I noticed immediately was the transition from details of the beauty and actions of the world as Sun fell and Moon rose, only to be sort of "interrupted" by a shark attack that turned a beautiful day into one of tragedy while still holding on to the same level of detail as before just in a much different way. The twist was unexpected, and perfectly placed.

If an intent of the story was to begin and end on Sun, yet name the story after an aspect of Moon, I think that was very clever and just the perfect kind of title needed for a story such as this. There were also plenty of contradictions explored (Sun vs Moon and the effect each had on the surroundings and world, beauty vs tragedy with a fun beach trip turning into a tragedy) that paint a strong picture of all this unbelievably existing in the same world since everything is both black-and-white, and also a gray area. Not to mention that the general circling back around to the rising of Sun was a brilliant writing choice and overall the piece really evokes all kinds of emotions and thoughts in just the right ways.

I know I'm really praising and complimenting it and not offering much in the way of improvement and criticism, but I'm actually finding difficulty in trying to offer advice for improvement! It was a fantastic read and I hope you continue writing like this in the future. If you can tell a story that is short and place all kinds of thoughts, emotions, details, or concepts expertly into it, you've got a great start.




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Tue Jun 01, 2021 5:15 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was a really interesting little story here....I totally didn't expect it to go where it did, but I can say that truthfully that twist at the end really made this little story that much better. I really loved reading this.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Sun, great ball of light and luminosity, rises over the ocean. Its brilliance reflects off fish in the sea, and off the sea itself. It adjusts its impeccable posture and beams brighter, shimmying its shafts in tune with the soft wind. Sapphire waves collide with golden sand, scattering young children and birds alike. Emerald ropes of seaweed fling themselves onto shore, becoming toys for the skittish youth. Sun rises to the occasion and glints itself off of glistening shells concealed underneath a blanket of beach. The children rush off, playacting at piracy.


Oooh...this is very interesting..some awesome description there to get things going, the visuals this is creating right now is certainly quite awesome and I love the direction this appears to be headed in...can't wait to see where this might end up here...this is certainly a very grand opening...and the fact that Sun is pretty much being used as a person here is also a really interesting detail...so let's see where this goes I guess..xD

Sun coasts down a cumulus cloud and the shadows grow longer. Parents raise their sunglasses and sip their drinks, heeding the children who have now become mermaids in their own minds.


Ahh...this is so far doing a wonderful job of creating just a peaceful image of life happening on a relaxing beach and well...thinks like that are always super relaxing and fun to read which is always a good thing.

Sun receives a gentle tap of radiance upon its blazing back. Moon emerges and is momentarily blinded but quickly recovers and greets Sun with a small ripple of its glow. Sun flares and dismisses Moon with a white-hot jab. Moon stays put and attempts to glide in front of Sun. Sun dulls to a resentful red and sends fuming, fizzling sparks towards Moon. Moon gathers its star soldiers, who take the hits, falling to distant dirt, dazzling the beachgoers. Sun seethes and rams Moon out of the sky with an incredible incandescence. Moon marches back to its manor in a cloud of indignation.


Oooh...that is truly one of the best ways I've seen the sunset, the arrival of the moon and the stars, with bonus shooting stars and then the sunrise being depicted as something completely different. This makes for a really cool little fight scene of sorts, with a really nice overall flow to it there and the fact that it seems almost plausible for this to be the real thing happening up there makes it even more enjoyable...this is definitely something I've never seen before and well I love it.

Sun returns to its rightful place in the sky and beams down. Cars arrive in rivers and children pour out of them, disturbing the sleeping sand. Bright bathing suits and polychromatic parasols calm Sun. The ocean becomes more and more like a magnificent mirror, its waves settling back into the dramatic depths. Children notice this and act accordingly, swimming until their breath leaves them and they have to perch upon precarious rocks until they can stop panting and resume combing the transparent sea.


Hmm...well...the cycle of the day and night continues...another lovely peaceful image of just things happening...aaand this is all going wonderfully so far...except hmm...the story is still not quite done...I wonder what awaits us in the end.

A slinking silhouette of a shark appears, basking in the warm waters. Sun wavers, its rays shivering in its own heat. A child cries out, and a lowly ribbon of crimson slithers into the sea. The youth paddle back to shore in hope of some sympathy sweets. The shark sniffs the scarlet stream and hustles towards the children. Few notice, and fewer tell the others, but soon a small patch of sea is alive once more with furious kicks and splashes. The shark moves like a shooting star, quick and easy to miss. Sun watches as a quilt of ruby spreads over a swatch of sea. The children hasten to shore, unnecessarily. The shark has gotten what it came for, and it returns to the murk.


OOooh my goodness...now that was quite a twist...a tragedy occurs right into the middle of a normal sunny day...well...that's how they always occur I suppose but oof I was not expecting to run into something like that considering how relaxed this seemed at the start here...oh dear...well...this does happen though....sometimes...terribly tragedies just spring out of nowhere.

The beach vacates and a school of cars show up, their sirens and lights hurting Sun’s senses. Sun tumbles from the sky, leaving only an orange absence.

Moon is deep in a book but does not seem fazed when Sun comes knocking on the door. Moon rises, noticing Sun’s deflation and hurries to the shore. Sun catches up and watches as Moon starts the waves again, rinsing the blood from the ocean floor. Sun sinks to its solar stronghold, burning a hole of despair in the sky. Moon summons its star soldiers and cleans up the beach. Sighing, they cast their light on a blissfully ignorant couple sipping smoothies by the shore.


Aaand the moon is asked to come back and has to deal with the cleanup job...well that was an arc I wasn't expecting to see in this story but its one of those things you don't realize you need until you get it, this definitely closes the arc on that earlier battle really well...and I think this certainly makes this seem like a much more complete story. Good job there. :D

The next morning, Sun, great ball of light and luminosity, rises over the ocean.


And so it ends much like it began...pretty fitting ending, showing how the circle of life just watches for a moment, and then simply continues on, no matter how the days pass....well this was certainly a very interesting story.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this makes for a really good story, and I loved the way that it end, it just fits the story super well, and the kind of message that appears to be coming off this story is a pretty awesome one too. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:51 am



Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
— Quentin Crisp