ch.1
I was washing the dishes when I saw his headlights looming into view, pulling into the driveway. It was saturday night- after eleven. I'd bet my bottom dollar he was drunk. I took a deep breath and splashed my face with cold water. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and released my long, thick mane of black hair from its elastic band. I jumped a little when he opened the door- and them slammed it. Hard. I could already tell, it was a bad night. He came into the kitchen and met my eyes. His own eyes were bloodshot, his hair was mussed, and a large beer stain bled through his t-shirt. He mumbled something i didn't comprehend and pushed past me. He poured himself another drink and turned toward me. I dimpled at him and ran my bony fingers through my hair. He stared back at me lustfully, assessing me from my bare feet, bare legs, tank-top clad middle, up to my face.
"What's for dinner Allie?" he asked, his gruff voice sounded loud in our small, quiet kitchen. I passed him a plate of spagetti and salad. I was the only 18 yr. old girl I knew that made dinner for her boyfriend every night. He sat down with his plate and began to chew eagerly.
"How is it?" I asked sweetly.
"It's cold," He relied with his mouth full. I frowned.
"Well Duke, if you would have come home right from work like you said, it would'nt be," I said, and I immediatly knew it was a mistake. Oops. He stumbled over to me until he was about two inches from my face. His handsome features were mangled with anger. I swallowed loudly. He smiled, letting me know he could sense my fear. In one swift motion he grasped the back of my neck and slammed my forehead to the kitchen counter. Tears immediatly sprang to my eyes as pain flooded across my head and scalp. He growled and snapped my head back by my hair. Duke cradled my face between his massive hands and wiped away my tears off pain with his thumbs. I spat in his face and in about ten seconds I was pinned against the wall by my shoulders, trying not to hear him cursing at me.
"Oh Allie. Such a stupid little girl you are. When will you learn not to test me? You belong to me Allie! Don't ever forget that," Duke yelled. After one more blow to my face for good measure, he nodded to himself, patted me on the head, and left the room. I heard a door slam and something glass crash to the floor a few minutes later. I slid down the wall slowly and wrapped my arms around my knees, whimpering softly. His words still echoed through my throbbing head. You belong to me Allie. Don't ever forget that.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,854 Reviews
Hello there! I hope your finding YWS to your liking.
Alright, Alright, onto the review.
Since the reviewer above already mentioned the nitpicks, I'll go on to the OVERALL. I, too, thought Allie's boyfriend was going to be her father in the beginning when you describe his drunkeness and whatnot, but was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be her boyfriend instead. However, the rest of the piece I wasn't that surprised. I'd lengthen the piece so the emotion is better captured, especially during Allie and Duke's conversation.
"Well Duke, if you would have come home right from work like you said, it would'nt be," I said, and I immediatly knew it was a mistake. Oops."
I didn't like the "oops" in that sentence, and the mistake part either. That makes us know he's going to do something bad. You should surprise us! Let the punch Allie takes be as suriprised to us as it is to her. That, and if you expand the piece a bit, would really tighty this piece up. I really enjoyed this piece. PM me if you need a review,
winie
Hello head4ever2thesky22, welcome to YWS! I'll be your reviewer for today.
Overall: I thought this was a nice piece, even though it was quite short. I don't think that's a big problem though, because the length fit. As for the actual content, there's definitely potential here. I was expecting the drunk guy to be her father, so it was interesting that it was her boyfriend. Makes it a little less cliche and a lot more interesting. However, I still feel like I've heard this story before. Hopefully future chapters will expand on the idea about the drunk boyfriend and make it interesting and new.
I have a problem with Allie though. So far she seems like a very weak protagonist and I got angry at her for not doing anything to this guy. I mean, punch him back! Or, just leave him. I hope you expand on why she would let this man do this to her. And hopefully it's not like "I love him too much to leave him!"
Nit-Pick
This dialogue seemed really weird for a boyfriend to be saying. Especially the "such a stupid little girl you are." That seems more suited to a evil father, or even a evil wizard keeping a princess locked up. It just sounded old fashioned, and broke the mood.
Spelling: Use spell check on this, there are multiple misspelled words. Capitalize "saturday" and spell out "yr."
Hope you enjoy your time here! PM me if you need anything else.
Welcome to the YWS!
Go introduce yourself at the Welcome Mat if you haven't already done so.
Now, on to the review
I'm sad this is so short, because I think you have a good thing going on here with a topic that isn't so popular. You even have some good emotion towards the end.
YOu're description has a little bit too much show, and a little bit overrated. 'Thick, black mane?' Thats totally cliche. Try reworking that.
~Kit