Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
“Plus, it’s entertaining to have him like this once and a while. Am I right?” The chatter he heard made him think so. Sal easily took Pat’s bottle away from him and then wiped the rim. “It’s on the house,” he said as he handed the bottle to Perry.
Perry glanced at the label. Sighing and rolling his eyes, he accepted Sal’s gift, but shook off Pat’s limp arm before taking it.
Pat collapsed to the ground. Luckily, Rich sat near the entrance. Rich, Perry, and Sal muttered, “Goddammit.” The other patrons in the bar didn’t react at all.
Perry took a good amount of drink. Man that is strong! He set the bottle back down and pushed it as far away from him as possible. Sal looked at him. He nodded, and then Sal took the bottle and went out of the bar. “Any takers! Twenty percent off!”
The cacophony that went on sounded distorted to Perry. He tried to remain alert. Rich chuckled again while he was downing his bottle. “Looks like you gotta catch up,” he said with an added belch. “Let’s see…You’re about forty bottles behind.”
“I’m surprised you haven’t died from liver poisoning yet.”
“I don’t drink that much. But if I do, I’m just making my liver stronger. See? Look: I’ve had, nine bottles already, and I’m still thinking as straight as an arrow.”
“Arrows can bend, Barney.”
“Shut up.”
They both laughed. “Why’d you give up your drink?”
“I had enough already.”
“Just a sip?”
“A sip of your stuff is like two shots of vodka! Plus, now I gotta take you, and-” Perry made a motion with his head that meant Pat, “-home.”
“Right.”
Sal appeared with another bottle and Rich eagerly grabbed it.
While he was still in his mind, Perry checked on Pat. He was lying on his back, snoring loudly. The schoolteacher had a nose that was shaped like a beak of a condor, and that made Perry’s drunk imaginings of a green bubble hanging out of his nostril, swelling and shrinking with every breath, even more comical. But the fact that Perry was thinking about things like that made him feel that it was time to leave.
“So, what’s been goin’ on, Perry?” Rich said, realizing that they haven’t gotten to properly talk to each other yet.
“Can we talk in your car? I wanna go now. Gotta get back to the shop and make sure things are running smoothly.”
Rich squinted suspiciously at Perry, but then said, “All right.”
Perry called out, “Hey, Sal!” and held up the thick wad of cash Rich gave him.
---
Sal, Rich and Perry carried Pat out of the bar and threw him into the back of Rich’s truck. They had to push in his legs, putting him in a somewhat fetal position, in order to have him fit. Sal snickered while he put Pat’s thumb in his mouth. Perry and Rich didn’t do anything about it.
“Here.” Perry threw his car keys to Sal. “Instead of taking the bus tonight.”
Sal watched them leave the parking lot before going back inside.
---
“Wanna talk now?”
Pat was sleeping silently, allowing them to hear each other. The road was empty, besides the few night owls that were still out and about. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Perry said, stopping at a light. They both watched a pedestrian slowly make her way across the sidewalk.
“You know what I mean. What’s up, man?”
Pat snorted, making Rich realize that he should speak more softly. Perry still had his eyes on the old woman. “Business has been shitty for a while,” began Perry. “Not selling much, might even be buying more than usual. I’m not in the red, but I’ve seen better days. See that lady over there?”
“Yeah.”
“Pawned her $1800 for a painting she made.”
“What?”
“I pitied her. Just look at her. She looks like one of those old ladies who’d be a miserable housewife in one of those novels about revolution.”
“Huh?”
“She looks poor.”
The old woman wore a tattered, blue shawl over a brown, cotton dress equally as shabby. She hobbled with a hunch and had a cane to keep herself stable. Perry wondered why she was still awake at this time, but he just left it at that.
The light turned green. “The painting any good?” Rich asked.
“Oh, yeah. If she knew about the internet, she could’ve probably sold it for about the price she pawned it for. But that’s what I think. You’re the better art critic.”
“I do know my art.”
They arrived at Pat’s place. Perry parked by the curb, and then he and Rich went to wake Pat.
With a soft pat on the cheek he shot up, hitting his head on the ceiling of Rich’s car. Rich almost knocked him out again with a hard punch to the nose. He was thrown out, but Rich extended his arm to help him get back up. After brushing the asphalt off of him, they walked him to his door. “He tried to drink with us again,” was all they said to his wife.
---
“She’ll take care of him tonight,” Rich said, slamming the car door shut. On the spur of the moment he wanted to take a chance: “By the way, how’s it going with Brea?”
“Great. We’ve been thinking of moving in together.”
Rich noticed something in Perry’s voice – a good sign. “Really? Better get good at housekeeping.”
“I’m working on it. I’ve got some time.”
After whittling him down a bit with other small talk, Rich tried to press further:
“So, you wanna finally tell me how you guys met?”
This was something Rich wanted to know ever since they did meet. After all, knowing him, it was a miracle for him to make another friend, let alone, a girlfriend.
“She was a customer who liked asking questions. At first, she was interested in the stuff in the shop, and then me.”
Rich put a hand on Perry’s shoulder. “So you want to move in together, ah? The sex that good?”
“Aw, fuck off.”
They entered the freeway. Rich was asleep and Perry decided that he’d call it a day as well. He took the exit that went to his shop.
The lights were off. Perry knew that the new guy, Shane, would slack off again and let himself and the others leave early. He didn’t even lock the doors… Perry went inside and turned on the lights.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Jack here for a review.
As with the first chapter I really do like what you have going here, I can really relate to you characters, and this story is very interesting and intriguing. You are of to a very good start haven235 and congratulate you for that. But there is also a few things that I suggest you could fix, I wont be do harsh though, because I still love your story.
Firstly description is very lacking, I don't know what they look like, were they are, are they in a old wooden pub, or some brand spanking new pub hot of the press. You need to tell us how everything smells, and just overall you need to improve in your description, this is often a turning point on how good a story it, but not to worry, with a bit of work you can always improve with you description.
I also with your lack of description found it hard to understand what was going on, sometimes I thought they were in a pub, then in a fight, then on there way home, but I had no idea what order, or how many fights there was, it made the story extremely confusing, and I suggest that you explain better on what is happening, which would make the story a lot more easy to read, it might work if you went through and added a bit of info, not a dump but just a bit that might help.
I also would like to know more about the character and characters and what there jobs are and who they are, were they are from, what they like. SO far I have no idea on the majority of that, all I know is there are a few guys at a pub, doing some kind of drinking game. I like the idea here as I said before, but it needs a lot of work to get it do the full potential. But not to worry there is a lot of chance for that.
So overall I like your idea, I like your characterization but there is still a lot of thinks that you need to fix, and it may be a bit difficult but it is very possible, so don't worry to much, oh and if you need any help with that, feel free to PM me and ask what I mean, or ask fro suggestions on how you can fix the story, but anyway I just have to add I like the pub owner character, I don't know why but I just do.
So anyway a thumbs up!! from me, and keep writing and I will keep reading and reviewing! so that's all from me.
Jack
If you really loved my idea, why weren't you harsh on it? XD You should've torn it to shreds, bit by bit, making sure that you'll continue to love it, and love it even more!
Jokes aside, I'm glad you like my idea so far. It's really encouraging. And I will consider your help offer. Thanks for that too.
Huh?
Commenting on your review. I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to read my work and give your thoughts.
That's fine, I loved it!
Okay, so the characterization here is still really strong, however, it still felt a little flat. Characterization is important, but you want to reveal them through action that rives the plot forward, and right now the plot feels a little stagnant. It could be that your story doesn't start here, that it starts later. Or just that we need to get into the conflict sooner. I should have an inkling that something is wrong or something will soon be wrong, but I'm not getting that feeling. And again, make sure all the dialogue is necessary to the story. It's realistic, sure, but fiction is real-life with all the boring parts cut out.
This is just a suggestion, since there's nothing grammatically wrong, but every word counts. You don't want one unnecessary word in your novel.Someone famous said that, but I can't remember who. Anyway, that's my only major comment, on to the nitpicks.
There are two things I'd like to point out here. One is be careful of the word that. Often times, we use it needlessly. Read every sentence without and if it still makes sense, delete it. Here, the first sentence makes sense without it but the second one doesn't.
The other thing is thought verbs. Thought verbs are an example of telling when you should be showing. They pull the reader out of the story because they refer to you, the author, which reminds readers that this is fiction. Sometimes you have to use them for clarity's or brevity's sake. but avoid them when possible. Examples of thought verbs are, well, thought, decided, imagined, knew, felt, wondered, believed, etc...
Here, you'd have to do some major reworking to avoid the word decided, which you may not want to do, and that's fine. But try to avoid them as much as you can in the future.
And that's all I got. Feel free to message me when you get the next part up.(Assuming, of course, that you actually find these reviews helpful xD)
Thanks for sharing!
-Art
Oh your insight is very helpful. Thank you very much for the reviews. By the way, how long would you make an introduction? I'm intending to introduce the conflict in the next part, and I'm thinking of having it like a hit-and-run: quick with great impact.
Okay. I'm assuming Introduction is exposition and it's ended by your iciting incident. You definitely don't want to rush into the conflict, I would say at least two scenes before you get into it and no more than five, though it depends on the length of your book and how complex the book is. What I', talking about, though, is foreshadowing that conflict. Giving us the promise that something exciting is coming, even if it's not here yet.
There are two ways to set-up the story, one is to set-up a perfect world(not literally perfect), and then introduce a problem, whereas the other sets up a problem that you know must be solved by the end of the book. The second is more powerful, I think.
The introduction is the calm before the storm, but before that storms hits, let us hear the distant thunder, see the clouds roll in. Get an inkling that something is coming before it does.