A day can't hold this love
it runs aroint like a great flood
flowing past tomorrow and thy days after
flooded by thy love
mine heart rises off and floats
floating aroint out from these river of solitude i never drifting so free
thinking about thou slowly and beautifully as meadows blooming in bright spring
destiny,destiny sow'd her name on mine coat
as i walk in the cold, i know thy here nowhere else to search for any closer warmth
above mine tounge i hold thy name so heavy eventually i choke
and feel it go down mine throat
going down mine stomach it melts and runs inside mine veins like sugar, thy sweetness in mine blood, hast i ever felt more alive?
thou brings me summer smoke in that june night ,
lighting a warmth in mine heart which i breathe in and intoxicates me in delight
thy smile blooming like a flower let me nib on thy fragrant soft petals of thy lips and if we wast to then kiss i would hold it all morning like dew or mist
let me hold thy hand what smoothness of thy hands a mile i would lose if i wast to ever slip
or i would fall so deep mine knees would drop and hit down hard on a concrete floor beneath
can mine brush ever hold a much warmer color than thy one on thy cheeks, carry mine heart with thy love like a great flood out onto whatever is forever and if we were ever to then miss, i would give thou the key to heaven there thou will find me
halo in a ring
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,139 Literary Works • 672,415 Reviews
Yea, kind of what retro said.
I like the poem in general, I like your word choice and your theme. I love the way you describe the romance and feeling of love in this poem, it is, of course, poetic ;p. The only real problem I have with this is the amount of grammatical errors you have. It feels like you didn't proofread at all and that's a bummer because this is a really good poem. Also, your use of old English is kind of off. I feel like you use it to much and some of the places you use it are incorrect, such as "thy the sweetness in mine blood." you already said the, why put thy? Its like saying the the sweetness in mine blood.
Other than those two things I love the poem, I feel you have a knack for poetry and I look forward to more of your works.
Hello! Retro here!
First I'll do some nit picks then I'll talk about what i liked, okay?
Right. Okay, you use archaic language in this poem, which in itself is perfectly fine. If you use it well. The thing about archaic language, it tends to only fit within a rigid form, which this poem doesn't have so it just makes it seem a little awkward. It feels like a bunch of typos or even that you're trying too hard. Obviously you need to try when you write but it feels somewhat forced. I'd suggest either doing a rewrite where you simply replace the archaic tones with a much more modern styling or working it into a form. Elizabethan sonnets work well with archaic language and fits well with your theme.
However, that is my main qualm. I'm a sucker for a classic and you do have a classic. Halo as a ring, sweet soothing love tones and nicely created images. You've got the basis of a solid love poem so that's a thumbs up from me! I just think you need to work on how it's written to make this excellent.
Keep it up
Here if you need me,
Retro
ok. thank you, for your ideas on making it better, will definitely go back and do some editing work.
Hello! My name is Cookie64 and I will be reviewing.
You are the soul reason why I love poetry! You use these unique and outstanding words to put sensory language into your writing. When I was reading, The feeling of warmth and the emotions of what this guy has been feeling- The warmth of love. Also, the old English language in the text helps. It shows what time period and characterization for this heart-struck person. I could not detect any mistakes or downsides to this. To leave you off, I will tell you this: Keep writing and don't you dare cease because I can see you going places! Good day
-Cookie64
thanks, glad u liked it! cookie64