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Young Writers Society


12+

One's Fury Chapters 1-3

by happyslappy13


(artwork by Betsy Lamb)

~~~~~This is a longer one. Feel free to review just one of the chapters if you want.~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 1

The lone figure just nearly escaped decapitation as he lept out of the storehouse. Stumbling to regain his footing, he quickly slammed the wooden doors behind him and scurried off into the tall grass. There’s simply too many of them, his only thought in the darkness of that night. As he swiftly pushed through the large strands, he glanced back to the structure.

The doors did little to stop the two flaming projectiles from pursuing him. They were disks of fire about a meter each in diameter. Despite emitting a vicious aura of flame, they did not catch the doors on fire, but rather singed straight through them. They made a faint whirring sound as they cut through the air. They slowed and stopped for a second, most likely adjusting their direction. Apparently the grass was not enough to conceal their target, for a moment later they were speeding towards the lone figure.

The figure was motionless, strangely calm, and stared at the projectiles with his ever-cold eyes. I can stop them, he assured himself. But is there any other way? The creator of the disks had already emerged into view, along with several other members of that guild. I hadn’t intended to show off my ability this early in the game. Indeed, it seemed far too early to make his grand debut.

But instinct was quickly taking over. While it would be a shame for him to show off here, it would simply be a waste to die here. And so, clutching his wrist, he prepared to counterattack. Before he could react, however, the disks faded. They fizzled away into nothingness.

The figure could hear cursing in the near distance where the guild members stood. Oh? The figure smirked to himself. Could it be a time limit? It made sense. Those flaming disks were exceptionally powerful; he figured there had to be some sort of downside. The figure turned and sprinted off, not waiting for his enemy to spawn any more. He ran through the darkness for a while without any specific direction in mind. He was just glad that he hadn’t been forced to fight back. It also helped that he was quite used to running at this point.

After what felt like an hour, he collapsed onto the soft ground. He spent a couple glorious, carefree seconds gazing at the stars before intuition picked him up and instructed him to build a fire for himself. He pulled the leather bag off his shoulders, rummaging through everything he was able to grab from the storehouse. Several containers of food, rope, and pieces of wood spilled out onto the ground. Finally, he found the shard of flint and a small steel knife. After properly arranging the wood, he struck the flint with the knife until a spark caught onto the wood. He watched it fiercely, only lowering his shoulders when the flame grew completely.

Now lying on his back, a half-eaten container of food next to him, he couldn’t help but chuckle to himself. He never imagined the Scout’s Guild giving him that much trouble. It was supposed to be a quick in-and-out trip for some provisions, then right back to his journey. Traveling alone seemed to have tempered with his judgement, causing him to keep getting into close calls and tricky situations. Still,I’m not doing too badly. Especially for being alone in a fake world.

Moreover, he thought, just what was that ability back there? He reached over to his leather back and stuck his hand in the smaller pocket. He pulled out a small notebook, covered with fabric and laced with delicate string. He fingered through the pages, hoping that he had it recorded. Aha!

He carefully read the page. Flame Discus. Level 29 Skill. Allows the user to project up to three discus of pure fire, depending on mental capability. Discs will chase after their target as directed by the user, but cannot exist for more than fifteen seconds.

He slammed the book closed. Now it made sense why he was having trouble; for the last few months the highest ability he encountered was a mere 18. Was he getting careless? It was important that he stayed prepared for anything, and that meant studying and learning what to expect. It wasn’t just the Scout’s Guild. He had been popping up all around the Plains, taking supplies. While keeping up with his own survival was important, there was a bigger picture: leaving the guilds on edge, making sure they didn’t feel too secure. All in anticipation for the figure’s first grand appearance. But that appearance would have never happened if he had lost his head back there.

He tucked the notebook into the pocket of his long dark coat, deciding it would be best if he kept it closer. He let out a long, exaggerated sigh as he again laid back, legs crossed. The bangs of his unkempt black hair fell into his eyes, which he brushed away in annoyance. He stared up into the sky, which seemed to stare even harder back at him. The moon was a watchful eye looking straight through him, right into his core, and finding it to be unsettling. He felt the heavens above expecting something dangerous out of him. His eyes grew heavy.

When he awoke, it was not to the brightness of dawn but to noises nearby. The moon still hung high in the sky, and darkness still enveloped the grassy fields. Two voices could be heard in the night.

“...I’m telling you, there’s no way he could’ve gotten far. Nobody escapes the Scouts that easily.” The voice was gruff, definitely a man’s.

“And I’m just being realistic,” replied the second voice, this one female. “Where would he go? Do you think he has a home, if he was stealing food from us?”

The man shushed her, and their footsteps grew louder. The light from their torch drew closer and closer to where the lone figure had sprawled on the ground. The figure gritted his teeth, accepting that he would have to take care of them if they came any closer. Of course, he could kill them. But… no, maybe it’s time. It’s just two people… at most I’ll be just a rumor for a while.

Luckily, the darkness cloaked him enough so that the guild members were exceptionally close before they noticed him. Just as the man began to cry out, the figure leapt into the air and broke into a sprint straight at him. It took everything he had to tackle the burly man onto the ground. They wrestled in the grass, the figure desperately attempting to restrain the man’s arms. But it was like trying to hold down an enraged animal, and a quick jab from the man’s knee winded him and left him gasping. The woman grabbed the figure by his own arms, not releasing him after repeated kicks.

The large man rose up, clearly angered, and extended his right arm. Particles of light began to gather at his fingertips. With a flash, a long blue spear made of energy appeared in his hand. The figure didn’t need his book to recognize this ability. Nimble Spear. Level 12 Skill. He let out a long, mocking laugh. It was simply too comical seeing a man of such monstrous size holding such an agile weapon.

“The hell you laughin’ at?”

The man came in charging with the spear, evidently in a blind rage. The figure struggled in the woman’s hold, but eventually gave up and sighed. He was proud that he made it this far on his own, but it became clear that he’d need some help. Maybe if I used it just for a second…

He closed his eyes and concentrated. With a flash of yellow and a loud thwoom, he was free of the woman’s grasp and on his own two feet. His ability had disappeared as quickly as he made it appear. The enraged man looked startled but kept charging.

“Bastard! What did you do?”

The figure quickly dodged to the left, the spear only grazing his side. He did not hesitate, and suddenly his fist connected with the man’s face. The large body stumbled to the ground, and the spear faded into the air. He continued throwing several more punches until his knuckles felt blood, deciding it was enough.

The woman, who had flown back a great distance, got up. She lifted both palms in the air, and particles began to form the shape of a rectangle. A white wall of energy, just taller than herself, came into being. Despite looking solid, it was somewhat transparent. The figure squinted. A barrier? Why would…?

Before he could finish the thought, a piece came off of the top right of the wall and flew towards him. He dodged, but two more shards of the wall came out of the sides and flung themselves at him, one of them striking him in the gut. The woman closed her eyes, and the missing chunks in the wall reformed themselves. The pieces that were thrown had disappeared.

The figure recognized this, as well. Weaponized Ward. Level 26 Skill. Creates an energy barrier to be used offensively and defensively. Parts of the barrier can be used as projectiles to the user’s discretion. The figure continued dodging the pieces flying at him. When one pelted him in the leg, however, he realized he had to take action again.

Resigning himself to this, he crossed his arms and faintly smiled. To his right, a bright yellow sphere appeared in an instant. It was about twice the size of his head. Occasional sparks of electricity sprung from it; other than that, it was plainly a yellow ball of energy. He found great amusement looking at the woman’s face, which was awashed in confusion.

“What? Isn’t that…” she seemingly could not find her words. Instead, she fired more chunks of her barrier. The figure stared at them. By giving a simple thought, the hovering sphere swung in an arc, deflecting the first piece to come flying at him. The figure’s eyes darted between each of the following pieces, which were also batted away by the sphere.

“H-how are you doing that?!” the woman yelled, allowing her barrier to drop. She immediately put her hands together, and a combination of particles and mist came forth. A shard of pure ice launched at tremendous speed, accompanied by many others. Oh, she has another ability, the figure thought. That one is a 25, if I’m not mistaken. Shards of ice continued to be shot at gatling speed. Not a single one of them lethal, but certainly dangerous at the rate they were being fired.

The figure moved the sphere to cover his front, blocking the shards as they approached, which immediately melted and faded away. The shots were spread too much, however, and soon his shoulders and sides were struck by nearly a dozen pieces of ice.

The figure closed his eyes and allowed the ball to rotate around him. By picturing himself as the axis, it spun faster and faster until a ring of yellow blur surrounded him. Not a single shard managed to fly past the blur, which continued to gain incredible speed. The air around the figure began to pick up, with winds creating a menacing sound.

After several moments of this, the ice stopped firing. The woman dropped to her knees, clearly exhausted. It was obvious that she had reached her limit, and she hung her head in surrender.

Does she honestly think that I’m not going to kill her after that many attempts at my life? The figure rolled his eyes. He clenched his fist, and the sphere immediately stopped spinning and was held in one place.

The lone figure calmly walked over to the woman. When she looked up, she saw someone who could not be older than eighteen, with pale skin and greyish eyes. Alongside him floated the big yellow sphere, which shouldn’t even exist.

“But that’s…” she began.

“Level 1 Skill.” the figure finished. “And yet, there was nothing you could do once I got going.”

With a quick blur, the ball swung in another arc and slammed her in the head. She crumpled onto the ground once more, barely able to see. She could feel her consciousness fading fast.

“Then… answer me this,” she sputtered. “Who... are you… and why… exactly… did you even... need to steal from us?”

The figure crouched and leaned in close. “You can know me as ‘One’. That’s all. And I stole from you because I worked in the shadows, but not anymore. I want you to tell your guild- tell everyone- that I am here, and that no one can escape from One’s fury.”

And so, the woman lay helpless as One’s level 1 skill disappeared and he walked away, the back of his long coat swirling in the wind.

Chapter 2

Neal Resborn hated the sun. He painfully wished he could throw off one or two layers onto the dirt road under him, but his sister would just shut him down at any opportunity. To the distance directly before him, the outline of the Merchants’ Fortress came into view; due to the heat, however, its figure wiggled and wavered.

Beams of sunlight shone through the towers of the Fortress. The castle stood tall and overbearing, an impressive feat of cement and stone bricks. Any nearby inhabitant would say that it was the largest structure in this world. The people felt a great strength from the building, an equal sense of protection and fear. As the self-proclaimed supreme authority of the land, the Merchants held an irrefutable power.

At the sides of the fortress hung bright green and gold banners, with their symbol embedded across: a gold coin with a unique design of a bird at the center. Any person who looked at them on this particular day would see a man hovering over one with a rag in hand, fulfilling his sole duty of cleaning them once a week.

Surrounding the castle were magnificent gardens, which greatly contrasted from the ruggedness of the building’s walls. Past the gardens was the rest of the Merchant District, with smaller houses and roads. All of these were contained within a large river that met with itself around the district, forming a sort of moat around it. Three bridges allowed passage in and out.

Neal kept quiet as he trudged forth, constantly reminding himself to keep pace with the rest of his group. Becca Resborn marched in the front, her unusually tall figure and long blonde hair keeping most of the attention towards herself. For this, Neal was at least grateful, for the less eyes on him, the better. He wasn’t fond of his own appearance, his nose just slightly too long and his spiky brown hair never even. At this moment, he literally walked in his sister’s shadow as she carried on like some kind of leader.

“First time we’ve been to the market streets in a while, Neal. Look more excited about it,” Becca called out. “Can’t you act just a bit more like Cayden right now?”

“Yeah, can’t you act like me?” repeated the eight year old Cayden Resborn, who at first had put on a serious face like this was some kind of mission, but lost it to pure excitement once they approached the shops. He looked back at Neal and made about six different faces at him before turning back around at the marketplace.

After a moment or so, Cayden was frowning. “Where are all the level 2 imprints? I thought this blasted place had ‘em.” Neal never understood why his younger brother had grown a fascination with the word “blasted”, but he used it in nearly every conversation nowadays.

Becca just laughed. “They have them, you just gotta wait for more than five seconds.” She put her hand on his head, but he smacked it away and continued pouting. Neal sighed. He was used to his siblings at this point, and this fact was most likely the only reason he was still sane.

His annoyance turned to concern, however, when he looked behind him at Sasha, who quietly followed from the back. She was obviously not a Resborn, for her short dark hair contrasted from the other three and her lighter complexion was mismatched by the others’ tanner skin. Perhaps it was these differences that had drawn Neal to care for her. But more than that, the sixteen year old girl was awfully timid. Despite this, she met Neal’s gaze with a meek smile.

“Is there anything you want to see while we’re here?” Neal asked with a light tone. She seemed to consider his words for a second, then looked around as if deciding what her answer might be.“Well… you know I’m not very good, but… maybe if they have something small, like a dagger?” Neal nodded. She definitely was still a beginner. Though then again, he had no right to comment.

The four of them continued down the path, until the dirt of the road turned to stone. Now they were in the main market area, with buildings and shops becoming more condensed and the crowds growing exponentially. Plenty of strange clothes and symbols adorned the people walking by. Some were outfitted with spectral armor, others wore long hoods and cloaks.

While some stores sold food and clothes, the vast majority housed a different item: imprints. Signs boasted these new abilities for sale and their level number directly under in gigantic numbers. Every now and then they would pass an “imprinting station”, where long lines of people waited to imprint themselves with whatever they had just purchased.

While most sellers stayed in their shops, some were more engaging.

“Come one, come all! I’ve got a new special utility imprint, straight from the Merchants themselves!”

As Neal walked past the salesman, he noticed a crowd beginning to form. He nudged at Sasha, but she turned her head, uninterested. The man continued shouting. He held out his arm, showing the crowd a small, purple tattoo. It was a couple of intricate shapes close together, which was standard for a mark.

“That’s right, folks! By imprinting just this small mark, you can create an aetherial chair at any time!”

The man leaned back as a purple chair materialized behind him. He sat in it comfortably, and smiled as the crowd gasped and nodded in approval. Neal shrugged, finding it useful but somewhat unnecessary. Are people these days getting lazy?

“Just like most skills, it’s simple! You imprint the ability onto yourself, get the mark, and voila! You can make a chair at any time!”

Becca chuckled. Neal could guess why; the salesman made it sound so nice and easy, but it was more complicated than that. Getting an ability imprinted on you meant that a certain part of your mental concentration was devoted to it at all times. Most people can’t handle more than three marks at a time, not to mention that the higher level marks require even more concentration. Making a chair whenever you want is nice, but should it take priority over something that could save your life?

“How much does your wonderful imprint cost?” This came from Becca, who looked like she was holding back her laughter.

The salesman’s eyes lit up. “Good question, young lady. For instant comfort wherever you go, it will only cost you 8,000 units!”

The crowd burst into an uproar, with shouts of “Ripoff!” and “You’re crazy!” being thrown around. Becca was bent over laughing at this point. She clearly had the idea that those living within the Merchants’ capital were spoiled idiots, and this certainly helped to prove her point. With all of the world’s economy dependant on the Merchants, it seemed the only thing this region cared about was money.

Cayden started whimpering. “Becca! Why did you make the people get so loud? I told you I had a blasted headache…”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Cay,” Becca replied, though her mischievous smile did not go away. She held out her hand, which held a deep blue mark with multiple wavy lines. Particles shot out and surrounded the four of them. They became veiled by the particles, which then faded away. Neal knew that although he could not see it, the muffling field was in effect. The noise from the crowd grew dimmer and dimmer until it was barely audible.

While the level 11 skill Muffle Sound was not the most powerful in Becca’s arsenal, it was certainly useful. When it wasn’t blocking sound to ease Cayden’s frequent headaches, it was meant for “spy work”. It created a field where sound from the inside and outside are muffled from each other, making it perfect for private conversations, stealthy operations, and so on. Such was the line of Becca’s work, employed by their own father. She took pride in her missions, though their outing at the marketplace was a different kind of job. Their father sent them to take Cayden to be tested on his ability.

Indeed, father was very insistent that Cayden train at an early age. The best he could do was use level 2 skills, but even that was considered above average for eight year olds. When father looked at Cayden, there was hope in his eyes. Hope for a son to feel pride for, to mold into a brilliant fighter. But what did father see when he looks at Neal? Why were his eyes clouded and his brow lowered? Why did he always--

“Are you okay? You look lost in thought… again.” Now it was Sasha’s turn to be concerned for Neal. She put a hand on his shoulder.

If the background noise had not been muffled, Neal probably would not have noticed she was even talking. “Oh, I… Uhm, it’s nothing.”

Neal relaxed a little. If anyone could ease his always-troubled mind, it was Sasha. They were the same in many ways, both trapped by their own minds, while Becca and Cayden would go off and do one thing and then another. In this world, there was a saying amongst the people: Control your mind or be left behind. These words pierced Neal whenever he heard them, for they could not be more true. At least Sasha understood.

The voices of the crowd could be heard again, meaning the muffling field must have gone down. Neal guessed that Becca simply lost her concentration. Moments later, however, he realized that they were at the training building. It was a small structure, made from wood, though the golden crest on the front door meant that its owner was of Merchant status. A young man was out front, probably a servant, using his imprint to water the plants. Becca walked them up to the door.

“Here we are, Cay. You ready?”

Cayden nodded, putting on a serious face. Before Becca had the chance, he knocked on the door with all his might. Despite having small hands, he had quite some force. So much for having a headache, Neal thought. After a few seconds, a woman emerged and smiled at them.

“Oh, hello. Cayden… Resborn, is it?” she asked, reading off a piece of paper. “You’re just in time, all the other children have arrived. But, first, can you show me your mark?”

Cayden nodded, still serious. Becca helped him pull down his sleeve to show a small turquoise tattoo on his forearm. The teacher smiled again, and beckoned him to follower her. The rest of them followed, curious. Around the bend of the small building was an area that was fenced off, and about nine other children were running around, using their own abilities.

“As you can see,” the teacher began, “Most of the kids are still practicing with level 1 skills. You’re already above them in terms of ability.”

Neal gazed over all of the children. Since level 1 skills were meant only for training and getting used to the skill system, there were only three in existence. He knew them well, as did everyone. They were Jolt Sphere, Essence Dagger, and Quick Beam.

Most of the kids were running around with Jolt Sphere, meaning they each had a yellow ball of energy following them around. The balls were no larger than four centimeters in diameter, making them hard to even see. Most of the kids were having trouble with the ball, trying to make it move around their figures. Whenever the ball accidently touched them, they felt a shock and cried out. Some of the more experienced kids were able to make it swing around their whole body.

“Jolt Sphere is the perfect way to teach kids how imprints work,” the teacher said, noticing Neal’s gaze. “The yellow sphere moves with instructions from your thoughts, and embodies the relationship between energy and the mind. It’s the same blueprint as pretty much every skill in this world. And best of all, it’s completely harmless other than that small electrical shock.”

Neal frowned. A connection between energy and the mind. This was another common phrase in this world, one that frustrated Neal every time.

The other two level 1 imprints were also generally harmless. Essence Dagger created a small aetherial dagger, but the sharp side would fade away before touching skin. Quick Beam shot a small laser of energy, which stung a little but was not too harmful. The children used their imprints on each other all they wanted, without any form of punishment.

The teacher turned to Becca. “I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you three to leave. Relatives and friends can not interfere with the testing.”

“Oh, of course. Let’s go, guys,” Becca replied immediately, dragging the two with her. They made their quick leave, with Sasha falling behind as usual.

They walked in silence for the next half hour, peering over at shops. The air was getting cooler, which made Neal almost cry tears of joy. They were walking much slower than they had before, since their “mission” was accomplished. Neal had the time to appreciate the tall trees that lined up with the road. The marketplace was a lot more developed than Neal’s home, and he enjoyed the change of atmosphere. The Fortress was slightly larger in the distance, but was still clearly a while away.

Becca finally broke the silence. “I’m hungry. Are you guys hungry?”“Yes,” replied Sasha. Neal wondered if she wanted to eat for a while, but just neglected to say anything.

“Well, then, let’s find a place. I could go for a drink.” Becca led them further to where the restaurants were.

They eventually settled at a tavern all the way near the end of the marketplace trail. It was a charming place, with dark wood tiling and dim candlelights at each table. Becca ran up and sat at the bar. When Neal and Sasha attempted to do the same, she only laughed.

“Hey, I thought I was the adult here. What kind of sister would I be if I let you two drink?”

Neal rolled his eyes. Yeah, older by two years. Becca would assert her nineteen-year-old status whenever she could. Neal stuck out his tongue, a childish but nonetheless effective gesture, and went with Sasha to sit at a table. The seating was not ideal, but it was a blessing after a day of nonstop walking. Even the wobbly stools that were at each table provided him so much relief. One man across from him did not sit on a stool, but instead a chair of purple energy. I guess someone did buy it, Neal thought.

The tavern was full of interesting faces. As he got settled, Neal began to recognize some of the guilds that were present. The men clad in white armor were unmistakably members of the Valor’s Guard, whom acted as enforcers of the Merchants’ laws. They were howling with laughter and acting aloof, leading Neal to guess that this was their moment of free time amongst their usual schedule of acting as stern guards. A couple tables past them were figures concealed in blue robes. Their hoods covered their faces entirely, bearing the symbol of a blue eye with curved lines emerging from it. These were definitely from the Order of Foresight, a cult-like group. It was said that their imprints allowed them to see even with their eyes closed.

There was one person at the tavern that stood out the most, at least to Neal. At the very back corner of the room, there sat alone a young man with a long black coat and dark hair. He was leaned back against the wall, one leg up on the table, and had a small notebook in his hands. He was staring intensely into the pages, turning them every few seconds. Suddenly, he turned his head towards Neal. Their eyes met for a split second, then Neal looked down in embarrassment. He did not dare look again, but as far as he could tell, the figure was still looking at him.

Sasha seemed confused for a second, watching Neal, but shrugged it off. The waiter finally came around, a tall man in his twenties. Sasha ordered a salad while Neal ordered roasted chicken. The man nodded and went off. Neal stole a quick glance back at the black figure, who had returned to looking through his notebook.

The waiter returned with uncooked chicken. To Neal’s surprise, the man lifted his finger, and a strong but controlled flame burst out. The waiter spent a couple minutes roasting the chicken right in front of them.

“Fancy,” Sasha joked after it was done. Neal smiled, happy she was willing to break out of her shell even just a little when she was with him. They ate together, content.

Afterwards, they returned to the bar to find Becca with two empty glasses in front of her, and a third that was half finished. She was giggling and talking with some guy. Neal pulled her off of the stool and told her they should go back and get Cayden. She assured him that she was not too drunk, but then she started singing. Neal and Sasha exchanged looks before the three of them departed.

Just as they headed for the door, however, Neal decided to take one last look at the black figure in the corner. To his dismay, the figure was gone completely. Even more surprising, the notebook was still at his table. Could he have gone to the bathroom? No, the tavern did not have one nor did any of the shops nearby. Neal felt a pressuring curiosity. He told Becca and Sasha that he had dropped something and that he would meet them outside.

Neal walked nervously to the table at the corner. As he approached, he saw nothing special about the notebook, other than that it was worn and looked fairly old. The figure had been looking through it as if it were important, so why would he just leave it there?

He picked it up. As he flipped through the delicate pages, he found that it had pictures and descriptions of different imprints, more than he even knew existed. He quickly discovered that one of the pages was bookmarked by a small square piece of paper. The page was one that detailed Jolt Sphere, the level 1 skill. Neal examined the square bookmark. Turning it over, he realized that there was writing on it. He read it carefully, then gasped.

Meet me at the southwestern bridge tomorrow night. Come alone.

Chapter 3

Upon returning to Resborn Hall, Neal felt an unusual sense of dread. That is, it would seem unusual to anyone else, but for Neal it was a familiar state of mind. The sky was a shadowy twilight when he reached the large double doors. They were fairly taller than him and considerably wide. Together they held the Resborn crest, a hand with a small flame protruding from the center of its palm. Becca moved past Neal and pushed them open with little effort, despite also holding Cayden in her arms.

Cayden was majorly exhausted after passing his test at the schoolhouse. According to his teacher, he bested the other students with ease in terms of scoring. Neal wondered what kinds of tests they had him perform, and what the scores meant exactly. The concerning part was that Cayden’s leg and elbow were bruised. It still seemed odd to Neal that a boy of Cayden’s age would need to be carried back home, but a somewhat intoxicated Becca agreed to it without any hesitation.

The unhappy feeling did not go away as Neal and the others began down Resborn Hall. True to its name, the entire building was comprised mainly of one long hall that stretched just over a hundred meters, with rooms and accommodations to either side. At the center of the floor, spanning most of the ground before them, was a beige carpet that spanned the entire hall. The walls were grey and of stone, with the occasional torch passing by.

“We’re back,” whispered Becca to a stirring Cayden.

The further they went, the more pressure Neal felt in his head. Crap, his only thought to himself. I don’t want to deal with this again. They passed more rooms, headed for the end of the hall where father stayed. With every step Neal took, he heard a powerful echo sound throughout the hall. The sounds grew more and more painful, leading Neal to cover his ears.

“Becca, could you use your Muffle? I can’t stand the echo today.”

No one said anything for several seconds. Becca eventually replied, “Uh, what do you mean?”

“That echo sound. It’s really--”

“Neal, we don’t hear any echo,” Sasha interrupted, sounding slightly sad.

Looking down at the carpet below them, Neal realized she was right. There was no way that his footsteps could be making that sound.

“Oh.”

The farther side of the hall was more decorated than the entrance. On the right side, twelve banners bearing the Resborn crest hung from the ceiling. At the end of them, several younger boys and girls stood. They were others living at the Resborn estate, imprint users in training. They were clad in the same orange and red jackets that Neal wore. They seemed to be arguing, all looking at one of the shorter boys.

“What’s going on?” Becca demanded, a hint of authority in her voice.

One of the girls chimed up. “Sendric is gonna do the challenge.”

Sendric immediately shouted that he wasn’t sure yet. The rest of the trainees continued arguing and saying that he could not back down.

Sasha tapped on Neal’s shoulder. “What challenge?”

Neal was barely paying attention to the trainees, but answered her. “Father made it. It has to do with that level 4 imprint, Ignition Bolt. If you can manage to shoot the bolt in a straight line and catch all twelve banners on fire, you’ll get special training from father, with the promise that he’ll one day give you an imprint level 30 or higher. But if you don’t get all of them, then you have to pay to replace the ones you burned.”

Sasha’s eyes widened, perhaps at the idea of having to pay that much for damages. Neal doubted that she was considering doing it herself. They still have not determined if Sasha’s mind could even handle more than one imprint, and Ignition Bolt would probably be too advanced. On top of that, a risk that great would likely terrify her.

The boy Sendric, giving into the pressure, raised his right hand and aligned it with the twelve banners. His index finger and thumb were poised as if he were about to flick the air. Neal knew that the moment he released his finger, the bolt of fire would shoot forth. But he did not even have the inclination to see how it turned out. Instead, he said goodbye to Sasha and went to his room.

He lay in his bed, half curled up, indulged in the daily task of rummaging through his mind. His father told him to do so from time to time, in the case that it might help him sort things out. But he did not need his father’s orders to tell him to be alone in his room. Long exposure to people, such as his trip to the marketplace that day, rendered him to this state. He felt it with the trainees, how people began to seem distant even though they were right next to him.

He kicked the wall next to his bed, which was made of the same stone as the entire building. His bed itself was somewhat large, as expected for the son of a nobleman. His room remained in a childish state, with pictures he drew from his childhood hung on the walls. He had drawn people fighting one another, using various imprints that he saw at the battlefield just outside the Resborn Estate. Becca thought it was “cute” that he was still attached to his drawings, but the reality was that he did not care whether they stayed or not. And so they stayed.

But there was one thing that he knew he was avoiding. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the square piece of paper, telling him to meet some dark figure he did not even know under the southwestern bridge the following night. The message raised all sorts of questions in his mind, as he went back and forth deciding if he would go. He curled up even further, clenching all of his muscles. He was aggressively pushing the note against his forehead as if it would help him think faster.

“What are you doing?” came an accusing voice.

Neal jolted up, his face red. He was not sure himself what he was doing. As he looked around, however, he saw that his door was still closed, and that nobody was actually there. Grumbling, he sunk back into his bed.

Before he drifted asleep, his mind hopped from one option to the other about meeting the figure. How dangerous is that man? What could he possibly want to meet him for? It had not crossed Neal’s mind until now that the figure could have meant it for someone else. But nearly every other person in that bar had come and gone by that point, and Neal could not shake how he felt when the figure was staring at him. It had to be meant for me.

The next morning, Neal was greeted by Becca, who repeatedly shook him up and down on his bed. Neal grunted, his eyes heavy from oversleeping.

“Wake up, little turtle,” Becca said, referring to him by the pet name she gave him when they were younger. When he refused to respond, she shouted it.

“Ugh… what? What is it? Training doesn’t start till the afternoon.”

“No, father is calling us all to a meeting. Really urgent. Gotta come. Now.”

She grabbed him by the arm and pulled him off the bed, his head hitting the hard floor. As she continued to pull him out of the room, he realized she was not going to give him a chance to change clothes, so he grabbed his orange jacket off the wall on his way out. They rushed out of the room. Once in the hallway, Neal noticed that five of the twelve banners were gone, and the sixth was heavily burnt but still standing.

“I’m guessing Sendric didn’t…” he began.

“Nope. He was shaking way too much, and his finger slipped. Wouldn’t stop crying for like ten minutes. Come on, this way.” She pulled him harder. Family meetings were common among the Resborns, though Becca placed it with such an urgency that told Neal that it was not the typical discussion of training progress.

They entered their father’s sanctum, where most of those living at the Halls were not allowed. It was a wide room, with more banners along the sides. On the floor sat Cayden and Sasha, their heads lowered and legs crossed. Their father sat at one end of the room, facing them. As always, he wore fanciful orange attire that was fitting for a nobleman. Neal noticed how is blonde hair was especially cleanly cut and smooth, and his golden beard was recently trimmed. His blue eyes stared intensely at Becca and Neal as they entered.

“Finally you two arrive, and with no time to spare, either.” he said dryly, arms folded. “Only half of my children had the sense to come earlier, and one of them doesn’t even share my blood.”

Ever since father took Sasha under his wing, he relentlessly praised her obedience. Neal feared that this put extreme pressure on her to meet his expectations, and her attendance at every meeting continued to convince him that he was right. Neal gave her a smile as he and Becca also sat themselves down. Once they lowered their heads, their father explained that an important guest would arrive at any moment.

As if on cue, the doors behind their father opened, and another finely dressed man walked through. Neal had seen this man before, but his clothing never failed to look strange. He wore a grey suit and long plain-looking pants, with a green strip that extended from his collar and into the suit. Neal’s father had said that it was called a “tie”, and that this man was the only one who may wear it. The man’s shoes were dark, and reflected the room’s light off of the leather material. His black hair was pulled in a small ponytail. Behind the man entered four bodyguards, all soldiers dressed in plain uniforms with their arms behind their backs.

Father stood, extending his hand. “Ah, to be greeted by Lord Miheal Stride. I got your message. What business might the most powerful man in the world have at my Halls?”

“Need I a reason to visit my friend? It’s good to see you.” Lord Stride took his hand and warmly embraced him. "I just had a sudden desire to check up, see how you and the children were doing.”

Neal lowered his head even further to the floor, as he was supposed to, but he could still practically feel the gaze of the Lord Stride upon him. Peeking to his left, Sasha and Cayden were doing the same. Becca, however, sat straight up.

“Hey, if it isn’t the Lord Merchant himself!” she blurted.

Father immediately shot her an alarming glare. He visibly tensed up, his left hand even shaking slightly. He was definitely inept at hiding his stress. Lord Stride, however, merely laughed.

“It is a pleasure to see you too, Becca Resborn. I have heard so much about your work from your father and the other noblemen. You are a great help, and an outstanding fighter. Tell me, do you still have that level 34 skill?”

Becca nodded and rose to her feet, earning another tense shudder from their father. She removed her jacket and threw it onto the floor, leaving her with a plain black tank top. She turned around, revealing to Lord Stride her large mark. The deep violet design spanned across her upper back, reaching to each of her shoulders. It was generally a crescent shape, with intricate swirls emerging and stopping to a point.

“Ah, wonderful. Now, then, give me a demonstration.” Lord Stride grinned.

Hesitating for a moment, Becca walked to one side of the room and faced them. She took in a deep breath and closed her eyes. She delicately joined her hands together, and spend a moment moving them down from her chest to her waist. She then quickly spread them apart, pointing her palms towards the floor. The second she did, two rings of purple energy appeared on the ground; one where she was standing, and another at the other end of the room. With a bright flash, she quickly disappeared from her spot and reappeared at the second circle.

“Brilliant, just brilliant. Teleportation is not an easy task, you know. We Merchants do not make many of them for that very reason.”

Neal struggled in believing this statement. The mental well-being of their people was most likely not the Lord Stride’s main concern. It was more probable to Neal that they restricted teleportation based abilities because they could pose a threat to the Merchants’ rule. In fact, he would not be surprised if Lord Stride was simply keeping tabs on Becca to make sure her loyalty was in check.

Regardless, Becca smiled. Their father looked incredibly pleased.

“Yes, my daughter has proven to be the best among the trainees. I would not blink if she surpassed myself in just a few years,” he stated proudly.

Neal interjected without thinking. “Yeah, it has nothing to do with her receiving twice the training than the rest of us.”

His father’s prideful expressed faded quickly.

The Merchant Lord also changed his tone drastically, as he spoke to Neal. “Watch the sarcastic tone, boy. The way I see it, one may jest when they have something to show for it. And unlike your sister, you have nothing to stand on.”

Neal’s hands shook under the pressure of both his father and the Lord Stride. Of course he would not receive the same treatment as his sister, and it was idiotic to think otherwise.

Lord Stride turned back to their father, raising a finger at Neal. “Can he still not use skills at all?”

“Concentration issues,” father replied quickly. “We’re still trying all we can. His only mark is Quick Beam at the moment, but he struggles even making a connection with the energy at all.”

Resting his hand in his chin, the Merchant seemed to be contemplating deeply. “That is no good, no good at all. It is very rare for someone to lack any connection to the energy around us. If this persists, I must ask that he drop the training program and begin work elsewhere.”

Watching the man’s mouth to make sure everything he said was real, Neal shuddered. He knew that a decision like this was coming, but it frightened him all the same. It also frustrated him beyond belief that years of effort and turmoil could be washed away at the words of the Merchant Lord.

“And what about your other children?” Lord Stride motioned to Sasha and Cayden, who remained poised and lowered.

Their father eased a little. “Cayden just passed his test yesterday, with scores above the rest of the kids. He’s a quick learner, and should receive a level 4 or 5 in just a few months.”

Lord Stride smiled, but turned his gaze to Sasha.

“Ah, and Sasha shows great promise as well,” their father continued. “Even though she had no experience with imprints before she came to us. Her late parents apparently neglected to teach her anything, violating your laws. But with us, she has already used a level 7 and will keep growing.”

Neal wished that father would be more sensitive whenever he mentioned Sasha’s parents. Stealing another look in her direction, he saw that her eyes were sunken but showed no further emotion. Neal clutched his own arm where his level 1 mark was, his face still hot from the Merchant Lord’s assessment of him.

The meeting eventually left the topic of their training and proceeded into their father’s own work. As one of the several nobleman that live under the Merchants’ protection, he did his best to show that he was spending all of his resources wisely. He ensured that any and all rogue elements in the area had been taken care of, and that the flow of imprints was distributed smoothly across all people of the nearby district. This evidently pleased Lord Strider, but not too much; it was exactly what he expected from noblemen, and would tolerate nothing less.

At one point, father mentioned the fighting between guilds that was a happening just a kilometer to the north of the estate. He feared that tensions would escalate to the point where outside interference would be needed, and suggested that the Merchants stop the conflict.

Lord Strider frowned when he mentioned this, and replied, “But we Merchants are already fulfilling our role. In this world where mental abilities are heightened, we do all that we can to keep order. Every single imprint, from the meek level 1 to the indomitable level 50, has a purpose; therefore, there is no chaos between guilds that is not of the Merchants’ will. It is their decision to fight, and we provide them with the means to do so.”

Neal watched his father immediately retract his statement, and thank their guest for all that he has done for the world. Despite all of the troubles that the fighting brought to the Resborn estate, such as people seeking refuge and even destruction of Resborn property, father seemed to have a quick change of heart.

Once more time had passed and the seriousness faded, Lord Stride announced that he would be making his leave. First, however, he studied the four trainees in the room. Neal scrunched his eyes as the man approached, but he passed by. The Merchant stopped in front of Sasha, a light smile on his face. He gently extended his hand and lifted her face to meet his gaze.

“She's a lovely one, is she not? I am sure she brightens every room she enters.”

He caressed her chin slightly. Sasha seemed to wince, her lip quivering. She remained silent.

“You know, there is always room for new servants at the Fortress. If you find that using imprints is too difficult for you, then you should consider moving with me.”

Rage filled Neal’s chest, and he clenched his fists. That's my younger sister, you bastard. Lord Strider appeared to take notice.

“I'm merely making her an offer,” he said sternly, then moved towards the doors. “Well, then, it seems I am off. My many duties demand my return.”

So the great Merchant Lord took off with his guards, carrying the tremendous tension in the room along with him. Their father said that the four of them had permission to leave as well, so Becca and Cayden exited straight away. Sasha, however, waited, and Neal rushed to her. Her eyes began to swell with tears.

Before Neal knew it, nightfall approached. All of the bustle and talk within the halls were winding to a close, and training activities were at their end. Neal leaned against a wall, watching people as they returned to their rooms.

Time to go, he thought once the halls were void of trainees. He briefly dashed into his own room and opened the largest drawer.

Running his hands along his red combat gear, he questioned himself for just a moment. Was this really the right idea? He had no fear for his own safety; he was and always had been indifferent towards the fate of his own life. But would it benefit him? His thoughts shifted to Lord Stride’s words, how his life was already on the path of change due to his inability to use imprints. What if the mysterious figure could offer him something better? He then thought of something even more hopeful and unlikely. What if the figure could somehow help Sasha?

He outfitted himself in the gear. Just as he turned to run away, he saw a face coming out of his bedroom wall. It was entirely out of stone, and dark holes were in place of its eyes and mouth. Other than these and a sculpted nose, the face had no other features.

Neal felt a tinge of fear at the familiar sight. It emitted a low humming sound, and its mere existence incited the most unsettling feeling. But Neal’s mind was still elsewhere.

“Not now,” he told the hallucination.

Being extra careful that he caught no attention, he opened his window and slipped into the early night.


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:22 pm
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tgirly wrote a review...



Hello!

The main critique I’d like to point out is that there are several spaces throughout your novel where you could use more concise wording, by removing filler words or taking out unnecessary adverbs. I’ll give examples in the line level critiques. Especially with a novel like this, where so much of the appeal is dependent on catching and holding the reader’s attention and compelling them forward with the tension and action, it’s important that you’re not bogging the story down with extra words that don’t do much of anything. After all, you’ve got an incredibly interesting world and plot set up, and streamlining certain parts will definitely give it that extra boost to be as fantastically awesome as possible.

Now, to the line-level critiques:

“The lone figure just nearly escaped decapitation as he lept out of the storehouse.” I love stories that start right in the action, it shows good instinct, but I think that it would help if you gave us some extra details, because I can’t yet picture this. How did he nearly escape decapitation? Did he jump to high and almost catch his head on something? Is he a tall dude, or did he just jump really high, or are the doors short? There’s just not enough description to see this scene clearly, and if it’s the first thing you show the readers, you want them to be able to see it well.

Work on your use of adverbs. Saying that he “quickly” or “swiftly” did something actually slows down the pace of the narrative, creating the opposite effect of what you want. You’re using strong verbs (eg slammed, scurried), so you’ve just got to let the verbs carry the weight of getting the meaning across. The readers will understand the sense of urgency from them, the adverbs are unnecessary.

“Indeed, it seemed far too early to make his grand debut.” Indeed feels unnecessary, like a filler word. I’d delete it.

The story’s written in third person limited, but then you keep on putting in his thoughts as first person statements, and it kind of throws me a bit honestly. I get that it’s him thinking the things, but I think there should be a smoother way to incorporate his thought and feelings. Perhaps stating them still in the third, like, “Even so, he thought he was not doing too badly”, using the narrator you’ve already got established for the lines of interiority. You do this at some points, but I really think you should use it more consistently.

“ “...I’m telling you, there’s no way he could’ve gotten far. Nobody escapes the Scouts that easily.” The voice was gruff, definitely a man’s.
“And I’m just being realistic,” replied the second voice, this one female. “Where would he go? Do you think he has a home, if he was stealing food from us?” “ These lines of dialogue confused me, since it sounds like they’re agreeing with each other but the phrases the man (I’m telling you) imply an argument.

Overall, you’ve got a really good start to the novel. The main character’s motivations are still a mystery, and that’s intriguing and encourages the reader to keep on reading the book. Also, the world building you’ve done so far is really solid, and definitely interesting, though you could use a few more details as far as the physical setting of the novel goes. Great start.

Hope this review was helpful!

-tgirly






Agree 100% about the use of adverbs. Helpful review, thank you!



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:21 am
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hello happyslappy13! I'm inky, here to review!

First off, I really like the 'levelling' system you've incorporated in here. You don't see many level based powers in most literature, or at least, I haven't, so the your idea here with the imprints and levels is really interesting to me.

I love that you give Cayden a sort of special word! It definitely makes his character stand out more, and character's with catchphrases are pretty adorable. I feel like this really needs to be emphasised, because it isn't done nearly enough.

You've got a good setup, and you do a good job at all the world-building! There's a few times you could take it down a notch, but overall you've done a pretty good job at avoiding the common problem of over-describing everything.


Okay, onto the nitpicking!

I want to start by saying that the first chapter feels more like a prologue than a first chapter. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's important to the plot. I felt like it was worth mentioning.

But whether it's a first chapter or a prologue, it's confusing. You switch the pov a lot (first person to third person), for starters. You introduce this character 'One' at the end of the prologue, which can be fine on-screen (movie, tv, etc), but having a character only referred to as 'the figure' is really strange to read.

Adding onto that last thought, there is no clear answer as to why these people are chasing him, and although sure, that can be excused for a later time, there is no mention of who these people are except that they're from the 'Scout's Guild', which means practically nothing to me, even after reading all three chapters.

I'd also like to mention that, when you can follow up a sentence with 'he/she/they thought', you might consider putting the sentence in italics, to assert the fact that the italicised text is the character's thoughts. I'll list a few examples below, with the italicised text:

I can stop them, he assured himself.


Traveling alone seemed to have tempered with his judgement, causing him to keep getting into close calls and tricky situations. Still, I’m not doing too badly. Especially for being alone in a fake world.


I guess someone did buy it, Neal thought.


And again, these are just a few examples.


Neal Resborn hated the sun. He painfully wished he could throw off one or two layers onto the dirt road under him, but his sister would just shut him down at any opportunity. To the distance directly before him, the outline of the Merchants’ Fortress came into view; due to the heat, however, its figure wiggled and wavered.


Maybe it's just me, but it took me three rereads to realise you meant three layers of clothes. Maybe I'm tired, maybe I'm distracted, but I feel like clarifying this would make it a smoother read. Also, 'he painfully wished' sounds really weird to me, so I'd probably omit the 'painfully'


“Yeah, can’t you act like me?” repeated the eight year old Cayden Resborn, who at first had put on a serious face like this was some kind of mission, but lost it to pure excitement once they approached the shops. He looked back at Neal and made about six different faces at him before turning back around at the marketplace.

After a moment or so, Cayden was frowning


This transition feels kinda awkward. I feel as though Neal should either have said something in response to Cayden in between the two lines, or at least acknowledged he wasn't going to say anything. Or maybe some just scenery, but going from Cayden making faces to looking away to Cayden making another face (frowning) just feels awkward.


His annoyance turned to concern, however, when he looked behind him at Sasha.


At this point, throwing in these characters is kind of a confusing way to read them. I like how you throw in some basic appearances, but at least mentioning who was in the group before when you first introduced them (around the time you introduced Becca), or at least mentioning there was four of them, would have made it a lot easier to read.


“Is there anything you want to see while we’re here?” Neal asked with a light tone. She seemed to consider his words for a second, then looked around as if deciding what her answer might be.“Well… you know I’m not very good, but… maybe if they have something small, like a dagger?” Neal nodded. She definitely was still a beginner. Though then again, he had no right to comment.


Okay, a few things here. First of all, Neal's dialogue and Sasha's dialogue should be one two separate lines, otherwise you cause confusion because your readers aren't sure who is talking. 'Neal nodded. She was definitely a beginner. Though then again, he had no right to comment.' These three sentences feel kinda robotic and choppy. And 'though then again' doesn't make sense. I would try something more like 'Neal nodded. She was definitely still a beginner, but then again, he had no right to comment.'


Becca finally broke the silence. “I’m hungry. Are you guys hungry?”“Yes,” replied Sasha. Neal wondered if she wanted to eat for a while, but just neglected to say anything.


Another place to separate Becca and Sasha's dialogue. (between: hungry?" and "Yes,")


Their father said that the four of them had permission to leave as well, so Becca and Cayden exited straight away. Sasha, however, waited, and Neal rushed to her. Her eyes began to swell with tears.

Before Neal knew it, nightfall approached. All of the bustle and talk within the halls were winding to a close, and training activities were at their end.


Another awkward transition. Neal rushes over to Sasha, Sasha begins to cry, and suddenly Sasha has disappeared, night is coming and there is no explanation as to what just happened between these events. Where did Sasha go? What happened? Did Neal comfort her? Did he leave?


Neal's hallucination at the end doesn't make a lot of sense. Other than the voice he thought he heard earlier, there is no mention of any face, yet you say that it is 'familiar' to Neal. There is several times that you mention something one of the character's previously experienced/saw/etc, but there is no prior explanation to what they might be 'familiar' with, and though this is okay in some cases, the way it is used here is confusing.
Back to the hallucination, why was Neal hallucinating? There is nothing to explain this at all.


Overall, you've got a lot of grammar mistakes (but I mean, come on. Who doesn't?), you're perspective and povs are choppy (because you switch several times from third to first person) and there's spelling and spacing errors.

BUT, the story and plot has really caught my eye. You've got a solid story and you've done a fair job at the execution. I like all the ideas and the world you've started to show us. You ended on a pretty good cliffhanger too, which can sometimes be a common pitfall in stories, but I like yours.

I hope this review was helpful, and I was in no way intending to be rude or disrespect you're work. I hope you continue on your journey and keep fighting the good fight!

Have a great day!!
-inky






Hey inky, I'm really glad that you enjoy the story/concept so far, as that's really what I'm trying to push with these first drafts of the work :). Some of the mistakes you found here, such as the lack of spacing and italics, is the result of copying over to here from google drive. But I know I still have a lot to work on, and I found your review very helpful. Thanks!




The chains of habits are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
— Warren Buffet