The rain came down in sheets racing across the meadow and disappearing
over the horizon. In the middle of the tall and bowing grass a drenched
and lonely figure walked slowly against the torrents of water that fell dutifully
from heaven.
The forces of nature would at this time and place provoke any sane person
from ambling leisurely. But Elouise Renee Lynabar was defiant and she
ignored favored and acceptable practices. Most people that knew her called
her crazy. It disturbed
them greatly to know of her supposed mental condition especially given the
fact she was once a normal and quiet lady of breeding. Now to all who knew
her she was a selfish single minded girl who forgot all she was taught of
boundaries in society.
Elloiese closed her eyes water droplets fell from her long dark lashes. the
rain felt so good and the chill felt so relaxing. In her mind she could her all
their so called secret whispers of her. She stood there digesting the words
and forcing them to mean nothing to her, as the rain fell on her sheet after
sheet of soaking water. She slowly shifted her mind from rethinking the
statements made of her to remembering the joys of when she
was "normal" The joy didn't come from being normal in fact she hated being
normal, but the joy came from her loving and always cheerful older sister.
Her sister Lorraine had a hard life but always found ways to make
everyone else's lives amazing. One smile from her would brighten the
gloomiest of days. But Lorraine found a peaceful end to her tormenting life.
Just thinking of her dear sister's troubles and death hurt Elloiese terribly.
She shivered as thunder rumbled with-in the dark grey sky.
"It's just another joyless day with in my blue and sunless life." She
whispered clouds forming around her lips and quickly dispersing into the
frigid air. She turned around slowly and started walking toward a glistening
light that was nearly out of view. As she walked she grabbed her soaked
skirt that was clinging to her legs. Hiking it up, Elouise broke out into a wild
run letting her trouble melt away with her thoughts. As she ran the
glistening light became bigger and could be plainly distinguished as a well lit
and cheerful little farm house that stood proudly atop a tree speckled hill.
At the bottom of the large hill Elouise stop and ducked under a canopy of
brown leafless but beautiful trees. There between two large trees was a
small dirt foot path that zigzagged and wove its way up the mini mountain
to the cellar entrance at the side of the hill top house. She took it and
easily hiked up it finding her self at a horizontal wooden door. grabbing the
wooden handle she quickly scurried inside. She lowered the door down over
her head as quietly as she could leaving her in hazy darkness. The grey
sunlight filtered through the knots and cracks of the wooden door and
illuminated her face in pale afternoon light. A small window on one wall to
her left made it possible to see around the dusty clutter. Kegs and barrels
sat unused and probably forgotten all around the floor and on wooden
shelves that were set nailed to the wall. She scurried around the large
buckets, barrels and bags. She stepped over small pitchers and kettles.
Slowly she made her way to a set of stairs three steps high. She hurried up
them and as quietly as possible she opened the creaking wooden door.
She cautiously poked her wet and dripping head through the portal into the
pantry. No one was there. A small smile dance on her lips and she tip toed
in closing the door behind her. In the pantry she found a towel that she had
hidden there after one rainy day walk. With it she dried her self off
moderately ambling her to sneak up to her room with out leaving a wet trail for
her maids to follow.
In the seclusion of her quiet little room that was set apart from the rest of
the house Elouise leisurely took her time picking out a different clean dress
and drying off. Even at the slow pace it didn't take her long to look fresh
and clean. As she stood in front of the looking glass buttoning the final
button and smoothing out her fresh cotton gown a soft little knock sound on
the dark wood door. Elouise bit her lip and looked herself over one last
time before hurrying to the door and letting in a maid carrying fire wood.
"Awful day out ain't it miss. With that terrible storm an' al. It looks simply
dreadful! I declare, when spring rolls around again my bones and I will be
singin' for joy!" The lady broadcast boisterously shattering the calm silence
to piece. Elouise's solemn, still expression changed to a subtle distaste
as the lady brushed past her blabbing and working all the same. Elouise
sighed and looked out the window longingly.
"I'm sure it's not all that bad. And if you look at it the right way it can be beautiful."
The maid set down the poker she had in her hand and followed Elloiese's
gaze to the window. She tilted her head to and fro then looked queerly at
her mistress.
"I... don't know" She stuttered not wanting to say what she thought out
right. Ignoring her odd mistress she began tending to the fire place again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I think the people above me have gotten most of the nitpicks, and if they haven't, you should be able to, with a read-over or two. The lack of commas, I think, messed up a lot of the good wording, and I hope you'll be able to fix that, because the story itself seemed rather interesting. Sure, it could get boring if you're not careful, but if you pay attention, you could really whip this into something cool. I'd give you an example, but I can't decide what would be best, because this could be the beginning to a thousand stories.
It's been awhile, and Vernon's rather nonconstructive critique has probably done all the damage it can, but don't worry, if you ever read this, because he does that to everyone. He did that to me, when I first joined last year, and 'twasn't very fun, no. Just don't take him too seriously, and write more! I'm intrigued. ^_^
-SELA
i must say you are good with your words but when i read your story it was kinda boring reading it . Now to be honest tho you can write tho because there were parts that had me going but you was discribing to much and not letting the story do its job kinda hard to explain but hey im just like you tryn to get apoint across keep writen tho
It's good but you should always read over your work. Not just once but many times to fix any errors because there are quite a few. Also, I had some problems figuring out exactly what the plot was considering their was quite a bit of description.
However, your word choice was amazing. You must just have a way with words. Make sure to use a spell check as well. Overall it's very good, fix a few things because you do have true potential. Keep it up!
You still have a few punctuation mistakes, but you fixed most of them up pretty good! Is Lynabar the middle name of some one you know too??
It doesn't have much plot yet, but I guess that comes later. You're very descriptive, and I like your writing style. You have greatly improved in the area of too much plot in too little space. This review isn't very constructive, I'm afraid.
if you don't keep writing, I'm going to kill Andropax in horrible, torturous ways!! 
You ever heard of spell check? Really! Now come on we're not gonna do it for ya. This seems very steroetypical, the maid and the girl. You have no real character development. You go overkill on description leaving none to the person imagination. You have used lots of advanced wording... but simple wording works fine too.
Also, you move too fast, having no sensible pace one minute outside next in some house staring out. You go mad on description but can't keep up a good pace. Not to mention your characters you've got right now. An outsider with a name that changes about five different times. And a servant who is typical you could probably look up any book and see the exact same servant. Overall: This is atrocious, your one redeeming fault is word choice. Other than that. Start again and try and have a clearer idea about it all Pacing, everything.
Good luck
VSN
There are tons of spelling mistakes, but those are the simple parts to fix, it doesn't change the fact that you have a beautiful way of writing. It's really hard to say what I liked about the writing, but it was....powerful, I guess that's the right word. People tend to get hung up on the spelling mistakes and grammar, so once those are fixed, people can really see what a beautiful writer you are!
Good job, and keep it up!
As Hopey pointed out, there are many spelling errors.
I'm going to be completely honest - this didn't do it for me. I felt there was way too much description, and not enough of everything else. I felt like I was watching a melodramatic scene out of some poor Jane Austen writing or something (Jane Austen is amazing, don't get me wrong). There was nothing especially striking about it, something that will Grab! Snatch! Astound! the reader.
Also, this needs to be broken up. The huge block of text threw me off and took away some of my focus (which may be part of the reason I had a negative impression).
Since I always like to try and say something positive, I will say this: I can tell that much thought went into this, and I DID like some of your description. There was just too much. Your MC seems like a very likable person, and this piece has great potential. Just need to think some more and work on it.
Keep writing.
First off, did you use spell check? Just curious, because you have a lot of misspelled words. I think this could have a lot of potential, but I think you should go back and correct the spelling errors. Also, you should space it out so it's easier to read.
-Hope