Young Writers Society

I'm just sick and tired, man, I don't know what to do anymore. I can't deal with the demons I'm battling with no more it's too much. I'm at the point where I'm bout ready to check out. I'm trying to hold out till I get therapy but I don't know if I'm gonna make it till then. The shooters bout ready to fire... they've been taking aim for years with targets going up and down me... I just can't shake them away anymore. I'm tired of struggling between normalcy and insanity on a daily basis. I'm trying to hang in there but I don't know because I'm bout ready to hang myself. This isn't my life I'm taking, this isn't my body, it's something that's holding me hostage but I can't figure out what it is. I feel like I have to let this life go because I swear it's not mine. This isn't how I wanted to live. I just don't get where it all went wrong. It's so hard. I'm literally crying my eyes out in silence just typing this. My mom right across the hall and she don't even know.

That was the series of messages I sent to a friend as I was getting ready to reach for my robe belt and end my existence. But I knew how crazy it was and that's why I had her talk some sense into me, as this wasn't the first time I experienced this episode of severe depression and panic. And I'm glad I didn't act on it, because after I had calmed myself down I came to this realization: I'd rather die happy than die a miserable failure. 

I looked back at how unsatisfied I was with my grades (which I tried to not care about too greatly because I personally believe it's a letter used for pre-judgement, but deep down I knew I had lost the kid that used to make mom proud that she got the honor roll and that made me feel like a disappointment to my mother), some reckless decision I made which my parents' are still unaware of... to say the least I luckily dodged a nine month bullet at age 16 with a guy I knew didn't love me but loved what I had to offer, and I can honestly say that emotionally I had a hard time building connections with people (I sometimes pushed away family and friends because sometimes I slip into a mode where I want to be alone and mute, and my "relationships" never lasted long because they were always rushed into without me really having the chance to catch true feelings).  All these things ultimately aren't worth the value of my life, and that worth is something I had to judge for myself. There's plenty of people in this world that are battling inner demons all for personal and/or unknown reasons, and with that I say this: things seem bad now, but that's only because you allowed those things to weigh you down. You have the strength to pull yourself through if you remember who you are, what you want to be, and who you could be. Never forget that and never lose yourself. If you feel alone; there are approximately 7 billion people on Earth and it's impossible to know them all, so you are never alone. Just stick around and surely there'll be people that will accept you for who you are and love you unconditionally. If you were to know me, I would make you feel... no wait... I would show you just how special you are and that there's a gift you need to share. This world is in need of change, and you would be doing your job by giving the needy (all of us are needy in a way) your gift. You'd regret leaving this cruel world unchanged, you know exactly how cold it can be so make it  a little warmer or things will never change.