Three years. One thousand ninety- five days. Twenty-six thousand two hundred and eighty minutes I have waited to see him. I have dreamt about this exact day every night, when his bright blue eyes meet mine in the airport for the first time. When his strong, tan arms wrap around me and I finally feel at home again. Hearing him whisper, “I love you” as he kisses my forehead. It was finally time.
I looked around the cool and crowded airport. I watched families reunite and I saw tears of joy flow down their flushed cheeks. I saw businessmen walk through on their smartphones, seeming quite unhappy. Nothing would ruin this moment for me.
As I waited, I anxiously tapped my foot. I was waiting to hear the announcer to say, “Flight twenty-one has arrived, attention flight twenty- one has arrived,” but it seemed like it was taking forever for that to be said. I pictured Peyton sitting on the plane going through our endless amounts of pictures and thinking about me too. The memories we have played continuously throughout my head. I knew he was just as excited for this moment as I was.
As my day dreams continued, I started to see nervous faces and people running around frantically. I stood up to see what was going on. Everyone was flocking over to the workers at their desks so I followed, “What flight was it? Are there any survivors?” A young blonde asked anxiously with her green eyes filled with hope.
“Everyone please calm down. I will let you know the information when I receive it,” said the man in the black suit, his voice a little shaky.
I turned to the young blonde and asked what was going on. “A flight crashed into the river,” she said as she turned and walked away quickly. My heart dropped as I felt the butterflies fill my stomach and flutter obnoxiously. I paced back and forth too much in shock to even know what I was thinking. Time continued to pass as slow as ever.
Finally, There was a “ding” and a voice came over the intercom, “Friends and family of flight twenty- one please report to the conference room immediately!” Before they could even say it a second time, I had began to sprint through the packed crowd. When I got to the cold conference room families were crying and looked distraught. I stood there motionless. When the room filled they slowly shut the door. Somehow, even with people in every inch of the room, I felt so alone. None of us moved, none of us spoke.
“We are so sorry. This is not going to be easy for me to say, and much harder to hear. There has been a crash into the river. The cause is unknown as of now and we are told there are not any survivors. Emergency services have just arrived at the scene to search and will continue to do so until everyone is found. We are so sorry, we will have workers standing outside to talk with you and answer your questions.” Her face went pale as she walked out of the room.
I felt numb. The only thing going through my mind was Peyton’s bright, white smile, his beautiful smile that was permanently engraved in my brain. A smile I would never see again.
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Well, this is a good story, with inevitably several problems.
For one, it seems that the ending was obvious (thanks to the title) even still it was done in a realistic way.
For two, the protagonist lacks a name, names are very powerful things in stories and give characters much more character, as long as the name isn't stupid.
And for three, the story is on the verge of not having enough detail to be impactful, stories can only be so good when the plot is basically an outline, but the story of my is still enjoyable.
In all, there are a few errors, but they are mostly overshadowed by the well written story.
I am literally on the verge of crying. That was absolutely amazing. I love the description of the smile, and how you left it. I would maybe changed the ending of the first paragraph but what I absolutely loved the very first part.
'Three years. One thousand ninety- five days. Twenty-six thousand two hundred and eighty minutes I have waited to see him.'
I love how you kept counting down. I haven't seen anything like that before and it is just so amazing. I can't wait to read more if you continue on with it. Keep on writing!
I don't like this part especially as an intro. You give it so much responsibility. You know having to lure the reader in and all. It's too familiar. I've read that somewhere already. There's nothing wrong with the image you are trying to create in the readers mind. It's the way you do it, that is everything. It's a little lazy. Give the reader a unique experience. So he's strong, and tan with blue eyes but what is that special thing that only he has, or only he can achieve? If you say its her happiness then it's something everyone already knows about. Basically in a vague I'm telling you to change the way you set this up. How can you show this the way only you can?
Take out anxiously and read it again. "As I waited, I tapped my foot." So the reader must assume it's because you are nervous/excited/both. Point is let the sentence as a whole mean something, don't diminish it by adding one word to explain everything.
The very next sentence after this one has an added "TO" and it seems like it was on accident, because with it, it doesn't flow.
Again here you're telling instead of showing. The huge reasons here are anxiously, and eyes filled with hope. You have to show that instead of just telling us.
You start well with my heart dropped. Then you use that sort of overused expression of butterflies in stomach. Those are okay to use when they're being poked fun of or changed in some clever way. Then after using that expression you say the word obnoxiously. Which kills the whole sentence. You have to cut down on the adverbs. They hurt you instead of helping you.
Overall you want the tragedy. Which is good. I like a good tragedy. But you don't paint enough of a picture of this Peyton fellow. And I don't mean description, you don't give us a sense of who he was. All we know is what he looks like, and that someone cares about him. Which doesn't really mean much. Was he a good person? Maybe you don't want the reader to care so much about him but more about this POV character. We don't spend enough time with her at the airport to really get a feel of who she is. I'd say spend the day at the airport with the POV and then bring out the big twist at the end. I think that would be better. Keep Writing.
A well executed piece. It's certainly well written, succeeding in conveying the character's sense of anticipation, then nervousness, and finally settling in sadness. I especially appreciate how the reactions of the staff are also addressed; it isn't just the main character surrounded by a mass of faceless individuals.
However, I personally enjoy knowing something about the characters we're feeling for. While it isn't necessary by any means, it definitely would add some more depth to the story itself. As it stands, it is an excellent emotional tableau and needn't be any more- it simply had the potential to be.
Wow. That was powerful.
I have to say that you have painted the feelings of excitement and loss very well in this story. The way that she spends her time thinking back over memories that they had prior to three years ago.
My only real issue is that, apart from these two people loving one another (and in reality there is no need for more), they don't seem to have any other connection. Is this a long distance relationship? A military wife waiting for her husband? It is the only thing that isn't really clear.
Other than that it had my attention from start to finish. The reality of it all hitting the main character is powerful and all she can think about is the smile that would only be a memory for her is a strong point toward her journey to mourn.
Thanks for sharing. Happy Writing!