**SIDE NOTE- this is my first attempt at writing something other than a personal essay.. I've never really thought i could do it. Does this seem more as a prologue or a chapter..if it seems like a chapter..i think i should add more to it. oh well.. tell me what you think. Its a very rough draft.. and i'm throwing it to you pack of wolves to destroy it!
Prologue
It was just as beautiful as I had remembered. I had not been back in over
fifteen years but it seemed as nothing had changed. I could smell the mix
of jasmine and lavender, a sweet reminder of the beauty showcased here. I
began to pull my suitcases out of the back and noticed a familiar figure
walking towards me. His walk was slower, almost at a sluggish pace but like
the house, he had remained the same. I dropped my bags and ran to his
side.
“Uncle Ned! You haven’t changed a bit!” My arms engulfed the man in a
giant hug.
“Oh Miss Lacey! It feels like it's been a decade since I’ve seen you. You
have grown into quite the young woman I hear.”
I took a step back and observed the man I called my uncle Ned. He wasn’t
of course my uncle; he was my grandmother’s faithful butler, companion
and friend. His face had acquired quite a few more wrinkles than the last
time I saw him, but his chocolaty skin was just as distinctive.
His voice was also velvety smooth, just as it had been when I was a child.
“Let me just grab these bags now miss lacey, your grandmothers been
anxious waiting for your arrival”
“Oh Ned, don’t worry about these, I can get them. Why don’t you go tell
grandmother I’ll be in the house in a minute?”
He gave me one of his toothy grins and began to walk back inside. I
couldn’t believe I was actually back. I took a long breath and decided it was
time to face my grandmother.
Chapter 1
For the record, I never had any intention of returning to Wade, Mississippi.
Ever. That is, until I received a call from Uncle Ned. It had been like every
morning I’d had in the past two years. Meetings here, luncheons there,
client conference calls in between. I couldn’t really complain though, I had
single handedly built The LJ Talent Agency from scratch into a wildly
successful business. I was waiting for my next client at the corner Starbucks
when I felt the vibration of my cell phone going off. It was a number I didn’t
recognize but I decided to answer it any way.
“Lacey Albright speaking.”
“Miss Lacey? This is Ned Robbins. You remember me right? Uncle Ned?”
As soon as the words were out of his mouth, I was speechless. I hadn’t
heard from my mother’s side of the family in years, and I liked it that way. I
must have forgotten he was still on the line, because his voice interrupted
my thoughts.
“Miss Lacey? You still there?”
“Yes, yes, I’m here. I’m sorry Ned; it was just a surprise to hear from you.
It’s wonderful to hear your voice. What can I do for you?” As much as I was
surprised to hear his voice, I was also on a time crunch. My client was
supposed to be meeting me in ten minutes.
“Well, see it’s about your grandmother. She has fallen very ill and has
requested that I call you. There’s a man here about her will Lacey. I’m not
sure how much longer she has. He needs to speak with you.” I could hear
the shuffling of hands as Ned handed the phone to his amicable neighbor.
“Hello Miss Steen,” I cringed at the sound of his voice. I had changed my
name long ago from Lacey Steen-Albright to just Lacey Albright. My mother
had always thought a wife’s last name was just as important as her
husbands. I however, did not agree.
“This is Patrick Wilkerson and I’m your grandmother’s lawyer. I’m not sure if
you’re aware that after your grandmother passes you will be the only Steen
heir and after careful consideration your grandmother has decided to leave
her entire estate to you.”
The words didn’t register at first and before I had time to open my mouth
he began again.
“There is one thing though Miss Steen-in order to receive your inheritance
you must come to Wade and stay with your grandmother until she passes.
That is the only request she’s made. I understand this is going to come as
a surprise to you, so when you have a decision, feel free to call me back.”
Again, the sound of shuffling hands was apparent and then there was a
slam of a door.
“What an odd fellow, I never did understand why Lila chose him as her
lawyer.” Ned’s voice floated through the speakers. “Well Miss Lacey, I
suppose you have some thinking to do. I’ll see you soon.” And then I heard
the empty dial tone screeching in my ear.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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This is a very compelling beginning. I have a thing about being hooked from the very first page and I have to say, I can't wait for the rest of it.
As for the technical aspect of it, I think that essay writing must have been great practice because your ideas were very well articulated and I had no problem understanding everything you were trying to get across. Of course things can always be improved with proof-reading. However, I read from beginning to end without noticing any great error.
Great job!
I really like this idea...even though the piece is short and hopefully the first chapter to something long and just as wonderful as this beginning part, it did grab me and I did feel disappointed for it to come to an end.
I love the amount you have foreshadowed in this piece...You have hinted that not only has so much happened in the past for the family to have more or less lost touch but that so much is to happen in the future now that the link has been reestablished.
One of my favourite authors is Virginia Andrews and this piece really reminded me of her style, particularly the dialogue.
Olivia
xxx
Oh, you can write fiction honey!
You left out "if".
"He wasn't my uncle of course", or put of course at the beginning. It's awkward in the middle of the sentence.
Capitilize "miss lacey"/ it should be "your grandmother's" and then end with a period.
Face her grandmother? Why? What's wrong?