With you my eyes were brighter
My laugh was louder
And my smile was wider
I was happy.
My thoughts weren't so hectic
You put my mind at ease
I could tell you anything without judgement
I felt comftorable and at peace
Around you the rest of the world didn't matter
There were no other problems
It was all smiles and no frowns
You were my best friend
And with you I was truly happy
But then you left
And my mental state started deteriorating
My eyes became two dark pits
My laugh turned to cries
And I couldn't remember the last time I smiled
Without you my world fell apart
My mind was eating me away
And I cried myself to sleep almost every night
I had been forgotten
By someone who promised to never forget me
No one else will ever make me as happy
Without you I am alone
And i just feel empty.
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Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
This is a really good piece that a lot of people could relate to. Personally i could relate and know about the feelings that were written. I like the transition you used from happy to sad. Its really good!
Hi there! I'm here to review this piece of poetry. Let's begin.
Although this is categorized under poetry, I would not call it such. This seems like more of a stream of consciousness. Similar to what the last comment states, there are no poetic devises used that I can see. This is not meant to bash your writing; I realize that you probably just needed to get this off of your chest. I would encourage you to keep practicing and experiment with using metaphors and symbolism. Also, to create contrast between being with/without this person, I would suggest that you separate this into two stanzas and start the second one with "Without you.." to mirror the first line of the previous. I noticed that the 'without you' truly starts when you say "But then you left". I think you should exchange this line for what I suggested.
On another note, I understand how you feel and I'm sorry you had to experience this. Break ups are always really tough, but writing will help you express yourself! And once you progressively get better and better, you'll feel so proud of yourself that you won't have time for concentrating on heartbreak. I wish you the best! Have a good day
Though beautifully written , it lacks the real touch of emotions that a truly desolate heart would embody. Besides as per my knowledge , poetic device is not used in the piece. The ending is not so intense that it would leave an essence of a broken heart . It seems like more of exaggeration rather than reality . Although to tell you , I am not a critic of this but an admirer.