Published May 21, 2011
Sanity
You took my wine,
A sacrifice to pain.
Untainted whispers
And regret your promises.
Cut away
Everything that makes me.
Go for the deep end;
A lifeless maze,
Sink away deeper
And drown out your love.
Don’t deny it,
Wash it away,
It’s tinted, like blood.
I’m alone now,
Cold in the corner
And sad in the dark.
My back is turned,
To the enemy
And I know that it’s wrong
But who cares?
Who cares what I do?
I can easily destroy your mind,
Sweet little me,
Can take your damn life.
So don’t take my sanity,
It’s melting away quick.
I still love you,
So much, my love.
Now as I watch your drowning,
You’re more to me
Then ever.
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140,624 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Pretty good, other than the minor cussing word, but the meaning was really good, maybe ezprss it better next ime 'cause I didn't really see it till abotu half way through the poem, so make her to take care of word choice. Also remember, the, peroids, on, your, computer, and, don't, put, a comma, after, almost, every, line remember it is located by the comma the peroid. _ _ _
Good job writing though!
|_,|_.|_/|
^
That is the peroid place, or key, even home
Critiques first---comments later!
O.o
Every, single, line, ends, in, a, comma, until, you get, to line, *counts* *recounts* *loses track* *counts again* 21.
So basically, everything before that is one biiiiig run-on sentence. It's fine except for that--you just need to use some other punctuation marks.
(Nothing against the comma, I'd just like to see a little less of him here. ;3)
And here:
Um, I don't think you need the comma after "Sweet", either. Think of it this way--how would you say this? Would you pause after sweet? If so, how long? (I forgot to check how long you've been on YWS, and I don't know how old you are or how much you know, so forgive me if any of this is redundant.)
Oh, and the same comment goes for the "So much, my love" line. I don't think it needs a comma.
Overall.... this shows potential, but I don't really understand it. It seems disjointed right now, like a bunch of related thoughts strung together. (Maybe I'm being distracted by the commas. I don't know.)
It's pretty good though, and I think you should try to improve on it.
gave me chills! soo deep! soo dark! soo great!