Published May 14, 2011
Eternal Cold
Without a body,
Your soul runs free,
Away from physical pain,
But alone in society,
Eternally cold in the mind,
Sick with the pain of dying,
Slaughtering souls,
Eating hearts,
Breaking limbs,
Cutting away the flesh,
You used to have,
A frosty breath dies,
As your soul wanders the Earth,
Alone and eternally cold,
Blank faces look past you,
Isolating your presence,
As if you never lived,
That makes you angry,
You thought you were important,
Even though they slapped you,
Darkness falls,
Time to hunt,
Feast on the life,
Of the heartless souls,
Still entrapped in their bodies,
Abuse of the cold,
Your eyes are wild,
Fires shoot from your heart,
Warming you,
As you ease your pain away,
Killing the ones,
That had never loved you,
Do you feel better now?
You lifeless murderer,
And now,
I hate you too,
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140,638 Literary Works • 673,575 Reviews
Hi there
So, my opinion of this poem was that it had a nice dark vibe to it, but it kept its poetic beat. One thing I did notice though was that at the beginning, everything sort of rhymed, and then suddenly you broke that rhythm I had going on in my head as I was reading. I found it a little disruptful to the piece. I would try to keep the same scheme throughout the entire poem. You want it to be read off as smoothly as possible.
Another thing I thought was that this poem could have probably been further broken up into smaller stanzas. This was of course a thought I had mostly in the beginning when I thought I felt a rhyme pattern going on. But seeing as you have the whole continuation of commas going on, it might look more complete having the stanzas larger. I would just add periods in a few choice places that break apart certain thoughts from being clumped together. Like this for example:
The setup is a little. .meh, to me. I would just try and add those periods where necessary. So that this doesn't just rad off like: "Cutting away the flesh, You used to have, A frosty breath dies, As your soul wanders the Earth,". It just blends together too blindly. It sounds nice though! Your whole poem does. It was mainly the technicalities of some things that stood out most and bothered me a bit.
At the end of your poem, I noticed you ended it with a comma. I would either remove the comma or replace it with a period, for grammar's sake. Other than that though, I think you're good. Enjoyed the poem. Keep up the neat writing!
So, other than all the periods I added and commas I deleted I didn't see any problem with this. It's actually pretty good! I like it.
So, good job
Keep writing,
Alzora
Very nice! Dark..... Mwahahhahaha!!!!
Keep Writing,
~FW~
wow! that gave me chills. in a goodway
ur good! keep writin!
That was pure dark poetry. You're even better at it than I am. I like it. I suggest you just keep writing, you wonderful poet.