The sun’s arms reached over a vast land, hugging it goodnight before it would dip under it’s covers and fade away. Dark and gloomy, the sky would mourn in wait for the sun’s arrival in the morning. The stars felt the loneliness in the sky, would twinkle out and join the wait.
All the people of the land are not so patient, so they would stretch out like a cat onto their plush beds and drift off into their own dreamlands. Not until the sun would reach out and shrug them awake, they would remain still and silent in the night. The clouds would remain doing their business, slowly but surely completing their cycle and with no trace, leave.
For all the beings, the sun brings a new day for them to live like it was their last. After a long night of waiting in anticipation, then sun would rise, paint the sky with it’s vibrant colours, and aid the birds in a morning wake up song. The stars would say farewell and return to space. As the humans would wake up, the owls, and sugar gliders, and mice would creep back into their homes and begin their wait for the stars that illuminated the night.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey there hailpanda3. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
1. You have already commented below about the length of your story, so let's just start our little discussion there. Your work is only one paragraph but I think that paragraph is a little long. At the current organization it's very easy for a reader to get lost and confused. I know I did and was very careful each time once realizing the spots most likely for a mistake. Your thought and point organization has a few spots that need worked out but I better stick to where it would be best to split the paragraph for now. I think this needs two splits.
The first would be at this line
That means the "All" after "wait" would be the first word on the new line.
The second would be at this line
That means the "For" after "leave" would be the first word on the new line. I chose this spot because a new thought was beginning. It seemed like the best place to split and still maintain the same flow.
2. There were several lines where the wording was confusing and needs to be revised. The first point comes from this line.
-When I first read this over I thought a "so" could be inserted after "not" but then you have he problem of a "so" two words over. I could always split this line into two sentences but that would probably prove to be even more confusing.
This is one possible way but you might want to read the line over a few times to see what I mean about confusion.
-This is a completely different thing but I believe when used in its current way there should be no space inbetween dreamland.
Second comment on confusion comes at this line.
This little quote doesn't fit into the rest of the story. It doesn't seem to be attached to any sort of conversation. If it was a quote from someone, you need to include who it came from. So why did you use it?
3. One thing that was pretty good about the story was the use of description. The comparisons helped a little bit along the way but the story shouldn't be based solely off them. You may want to reconsider the usage of these devices. The mood is also pretty well supported. I would have included a plot/storyline paragraph but there isn't that much to analyze.
4. Sorry for such a quick review, I only had 15 minutes to write this one. I forgot to welcome you above but Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions about anything, just ask.
-lizzy
Oh, I didn't mean to put in the quote, something else. XD
I'll work on the organization right now, and I totally agree with you but I just haven't realized that before.
Thanks a bunch!
Heeey.
The length of your story is not problem. Actually, it reminds me a lot of an exercise one of my teachers used to do. It was basically trying to write a story in less than a paragraph and it can be done. It can even be done in one sentence. (My favorite example? For sale: baby shoes; never worn. –Ernest Hemingway) That being said, if you wrote longer stories, people would be able to give you more feedback.
By all the imagery you used and the cadence of your voice, I think this would be better suited for poetry. I recommend trying to rewrite it that way because I really think it would work better. Regardless, if you want to keep it a story try to have a line that follows throughout. Give it some tension and try to connect the last line to the rest of the story.
Some of the verb tenses are not symmetrical. For example here: For all the beings, the sun brought a new day for them to live like it was their last. There you used past tense, but then go back to saying “would rise” which means it has not happened yet.
I really liked it, and I look forward to reading more.
(I am really sorry for the repeated comment. I had some issues.)
Thanks, i'll try poetry and fix that mistake.
Thanks, i'll try poetry and fix that mistake.
I enjoyed your descriptions of the stars and night. I kept thinking about sunrise throughout for some reason. This is a nice short that is to the point. No need for it to be longer. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you!
Sorry for it being so short... was just testing how this would play out.