11:02 PM I can’t sleep. We fought again tonight.
12:27 AM My mind is racing.
1:09 AM I can’t stop thinking about the fight; the horrible things he said.
1:53 AM He’s calling. I don’t pick up.
2:34 AM I can’t believe what he said. I can’t believe that he cheated because I have issues.
2:46 AM He’s calling. Again.
3:57 AM He said he loved me once. I love him all the time.
4:23 AM I finally fall asleep.
5:17 AM The call woke me up. He’s dead. He took himself from me.
5:18 AM I might as well be dead too.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello there, Hailey; I'll just be stopping by real quick to give this work another review.
Random Review Thoughts
Okay, first off, this is sad. This is really sad. Your ending, I thought, was perfect. You don't need no explanation on that. When someone you love dies, it literally is like you simply feel dead inside. Just... nothing.
But the whole suicide thing baffled me. It was awfully rushed. From what I can glean, this couple had a fight, he admits he cheated on her, he tries calling her later, and when she doesn't respond, he kills himself? That was... quick. If he'd been cheating, that shows this guy isn't exactly the greatest, and obviously didn't care for the narrator like she thought he did. Then, why commit suicide over her not answering him? But then again, you didn't give much context to the cheating. All the whys and hows behind it. You actually didn't give much context to anything.
I like how you split this up by time periods, but each emotion and thought at the marks were so vague, I don't think I'm getting the full picture here. Why don't you give more information? Tell us exactly what he said to the narrator, surely he had his reasons for cheating, and if that was because of the narrator's issues, then... what are those issues? Maybe you can have her think about these things with the added context, and eventually figure out/realize the emotional state of the dude, what led him to do these terrible things. But by the time she realizes it... he's dead.
Something bothered me here. Who called? How'd she find out? Maybe you don't want to sound gory or anything, but how'd he kill himself?
The time periods are at some points longer than others. For example, you have a 2:34 AM, that skips to 2:46 AM; yet in another place it's 11:02 PM to 12:07 AM. That latter one nagged at me. That's nearly an hour that's passed, yet you don't give much info on Narrator's emotions. You just limit it to: I can’t sleep. We fought again tonight... My mind is racing. She has to be having a lot more whirring through her head than just that. And in the space of an hour, surely her mind still isn't in a frozen state of shock. I mean, if I were her, I'd probably be in tears, hugging my body-pillow to myself or something. But after an hour, my mind would be plotting out the whys and whos of the cheating. Then again, you did say this girl has issues. But once more, what are those issues? And how much do they relate?
Overall
Overall, I think you need more detail and context to this. It has the potential of being very powerful, but right now I feel like I don't know the narrator and her boyfriend very well. I need more backstory and motive to the cheating, argument, and suicide. There's got to be more to it than just this. There's a reason for literally everything we do, and the same applies here. What led up to the argument in the first place? How did he leave it? Was he angry, sad or pleading? These all lead up to the motive of the suicide, and really are essential to the story.
But I need to be moving on, now.
I hope you found this review helpful, and if you have any questions, be sure to ask.
I'll catch you later : )
cheers!
Legacy here for a review.
I love the content. I haven't really read anything like this. The timestamps really help lead through the passage of time. I don't understand how this is a short story though. Most short stories are between 1,000 and 10,000 words and yours doesn't really get to that mark (which doesn't mean it's not a short story, just stating some facts about the category you put it in). From my perspective, it might fit better as a spoken poem, a regular poem, or in the other section.
I can honestly relate to this so much (except the ending, thank god). You tell a clear story. Legacy.
I love how dark this is. I am a huge fan of the lone statements, paired with the time tag. It's not a huge deal, but maybe you should put something in between the time and the sentence. For example, 4:23- I finally fall asleep.
It's not super important, it would just make it a little easier to read.
Also, I feel like it should be longer, and give just a bit more detail. Maybe start before the fight begins, skip like half an hour, then include this. One again, it's not that big of an issue. Actually, it's not really an issue at all. It's more of a personal preference, really.
That's all I have!
-MarianaChristena
I really liked this.